Meru Page #6

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They thought we were

completely out of our minds.

Whew. Dude, I don't know.

No! No! You know, that's not right.

This isn't like Conrad, or Jimmy.

You know, these guys, they don't f***

around, they don't do stupid stuff.

If they did, they'd be dead by now.

Two or three times,

I had these deep anxiety attacks.

I mean, here it was, at 2:00 in the morning,

and all of a sudden it was just like...

this wave of anxiety came over me,

and I'm- I'm up there, like, going, Sh*t.

I've got two kids sleeping upstairs.

My wife's there.

Another boy's off at college.

I'm responsible for them.

And I'm going, You're going back?

You know, the rewards

of climbing are huge.

If you- if you survive it,

if your family comes out of it okay...

if everyone comes out,

then climbing- climbing is so worth it.

The problem is, as we know,

you don't always come out of it okay.

People die. And then you can't justify it.

That is the great dilemma.

Conrad knows this better than anyone.

Look at what happened to Mugs,

and Conrad's next partner, Alex.

[Conrad ]

After the death of Mugs in '92...

Alex Lowe became my main climbing partner.

Alex was the premier climber at that time.

Conrad was Alex's favorite partner...

and best friend.

Conrad was just right for him...

because he could match Alex's pace.

And there wasn't too many people

who could do that.

This is Nirvana, what this is.

So we're gonna hang out,

just enjoy the mountains.

[ Krakauer]

You know, Mugs was the mentor...

but Alex was much more

Conrad's equal.

These are, you know,

two of the most brilliant climbers ever.

I mean, people were blown away by 'em.

And they fed off each other!

They were this perfect match,

the perfect partnership.

I went to Antarctica with

both Alex and Conrad in '97...

in one of the best trips I've ever done,

and they were in rare form.

Just brilliant to behold.

So he had this new partner,

and they were gonna tear up the world.

[Conrad ] Alex did a remarkable job

of balancing family.

We were all sort of vagabonds.

And here's Alex. He's, like, legit.

He's married, and he's got kids.

I was married to Alex Lowe for 18 years.

And, um, in the autumn of 1999...

uh, he was on an expedition with Conrad.

It was to Shishapangma, in Tibet.

And, uh, they went up

to take a look at the mountain.

[Conrad ]

it was supposed to be a rest day.

David Bridges, Alex and I

went up, getting ready to do the climb...

and we got to this point-

it was probably 7:30, 8:00 in the morning.

All of a sudden, there was, like, this crack,

and we looked up and it was, Oh, sh*t.

There was a- a release.

[ Rumbling 1

[Jenni ] Before Alex left,

I had this weird premonition.

I didn't want him to go on the climb.

I said, you know...

I'm worried that

you're gonna die in an avalanche.

And Alex said, I always come home.

[ Rumbling 1

[Conrad ] Alex and David ran straight

downhill. I traversed at an angle.

I was like, I'm gonna lay down

before the avalanche hits.

And as I looked over, David and Alex were

still upright, and they were still running.

I was picked up and thrown,

battered, tumbled.

And just kind of half-buried.

And then... it was silent.

I remember standing up

and walking around...

and going over to where I had seen them,

and there was nothing there.

There was no ski stick or a glove sticking

out of the snow or anything like that.

Our other teammates came up

to help with the search...

and we searched there

for the better part of the day.

I went back down to camp.

I needed some medical attention.

[Jenni ] I got the phone call.

I thought it was Alex at first.

And Andrew's voice came on,

and I instantly panicked.

Andrew's like, Jenni,

there's been an avalanche.

You know, and then my heart was racing.

Right away, I said, ls Conrad there?

Because, you know, I thought that...

somehow Conrad would've protected Alex.

You know, that it couldn't happen to him

if Conrad was there with him.

I remember Jenni saying,

ls there anything else you can do?

Can you go back and look for him?

And we're like, No. it's just- He's gone.

And it was- it was-

There was, um-

There was just this finality of it.

[ Krakauer ] After Alex died,

Conrad went through this transformation.

He was just- He looked gaunt.

He was- He had retreated somewhere deep

inside and wasn't comin' out.

I worried he was over the edge

and wasn't coming back.

[Conrad ] it's just- I mean,

the wheels were coming off.

And, um, I didn't know

why I was so f***ed up.

Gil Roberts, a friend of mine,

who was in a very similar situation.

He was there when

his climbing partner died.

And more than once, he picked up

the phone, and he's like, Hey, man.

I've gotta come talk to you.

We've gotta get together.

And I didn't know why

Gil wanted to get ahold of me.

And it was, like-

I remember his line.

He's like, Yep. Survivor's guilt is a bear.

And having to do that. And it was, like-

Because for me, it's, like,

this heavy f***ing thing...

that wouldn't leave me alone.

'Cause Alex had it going on.

Here he was, he was successful.

He had three kids, a happy married life.

Everything was cool, and I lived in a van.

[Jenni ] Conrad was filled with remorse

over Alex's death...

and he came back from the expedition...

feeling like he was the one

who should've died.

[Conrad ]

Trying to find balance and peace in that...

I just didn't know where to go.

But it always circled back

to being with Jenni...

and the conversations

that we had on the telephone...

and being together with each other.

[Jenni]

I think he felt like...

to continue being a great friend,

he needed to be there for us.

It was like a little connection to Alex

that was still there for me.

And then, you know, before we- either of

us knew what was happening...

we were kind of falling in love.

[ Conrad ] The duress of this tragedy-

Jenni and I, we fell in love.

And then eventually we married,

and I have adopted the boys.

[Typing 1

[Jenni]

I wasn't like I chose and said, Okay.

I'm gonna fall in love with another climber.

It just kind of happened.

I still think I might have been

better off with a cowboy.

[ Krakauer] Conrad has this side to him

that realizes...

I got some heavy responsibilities here.

it's the key to Conrad.

There's this constant dialectic.

He needs the mountains to climb, but

it's like, Am I taking too many chances?

Can I control the risk?

Of course you can't control the risk.

Well, why am I doing this? Because

I have to do it or I go f***ing crazy.

[ Renan ] In the end, Jimmy and Conrad

left the decision up to me.

[ Shutter Clicks ]

Even though it'd only been

five months since the accident...

I decided I wanted to give it a go.

[Conrad ] We had become so close

after the 2008 ordeal...

that to not give him the opportunity-

it wasn't celebrating the teamwork that

we came into the climb with.

- That was the decision.

- [ Exhales]

[Amee ] Well, I wasn't really given

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