Middle Men

I had several million dollars

in a duffle bag

and had to go and see a bunch

of low-life Russian mobsters

who would most likely

cut my throat, take the money,

and kill an innocent kid

just for sport.

It doesn't get any worse than this.

But I had no one

to blame but myself.

I'm the one who put myself

and my family in this situation.

See, life's all about choices,

choices we keep telling

ourselves are for the greater good.

But somewhere deep inside,

we know they'll lead

to a place like this.

And it wasn't greed

or ego that got me here.

I'm here because of what

I had a hand in creating.

It wasn't something that would change

the world for the better,

it wasn't something that would

put me in the history books,

make me a household name

or get me a statue in a park.

But I did have a hand in creating

the greatest invention of our time.

I inadvertently changed

the world as we know it.

My name is jack Harris and I figured out

a better way for guys to jerk off.

Never in the history of the world

have the merchants of obscenity

had available to them the modern

facilities for disseminating this filth.

Men have been jerking off

since the beginning of time.

I mean, it's no secret.

Jimmy, I got your...

Oh, my God!

Why is this mother yelling at her kid?

She should know better.

Men are always thinking about sex.

About every ten seconds some sick,

perverted, degenerate thought

goes through a man's mind.

From the very moment a man figures out

his hand can reach his dick...

...he's figuring out

a new way to pull on it.

But what this country has truly lost

is its moral fiber.

Now, years ago, we had

heroes for our children.

This should come as no big surprise.

Every guy, gay or straight,

prince, pauper, kings,

heads of state, even presidents,

every last one of them is sneaking off

somewhere and whacking it.

This is the space shuttle.

It costs $450 million

every time it's launched by

Uncle Sam and your tax dollars.

Guess what's on it?

A billion dollar satellite.

And why do you think they're

launching that thing?

It's all part of the Internet.

But if you think it has anything to do

with helping your kids learn,

or Daddy reading stats on Tiger Woods,

or Mommy and Grandma learning how

to bake the perfect chocolate cake,

then you're out of your mind.

just follow the money.

The porn industry takes in over

$57 billion a year worldwide,

with no one ever admitting

that they watch.

This is going on every second

of every day, all over the world.

Gone are the days of trips to seedy

bookstores in the dead of night.

Or hiding in the adult section

of your local video store.

Or waiting for a plain

brown paper-wrapped package

to come in the mail.

Whatever you want to see is there

in your home or office, 24 hours a day.

And it's ready when you are.

Discretely, privately,

and in whatever flavor you choose.

Pure Americana.

No matter how many times I keep

rolling this over in my head,

I keep asking myself the same question:

How the hell did I let

things go this far?

Not that long ago,

things seemed so simple.

- Hey, babe.

- Hey.

- What you got for me?

- I got you a little of everything.

- Looks good.

- I'm starved.

Me, too.

I can always tell your fried chicken

from everybody else's.

- Is that right?

- What's the secret?

A chef doesn't divulge her secrets.

You know that.

You can tell me.

It's not like I'm a stranger.

You marry me, I'll tell you.

Give me your hand.

Diana...

...will you marry me?

Pepper.

Pepper what? That's the secret?

Are you kidding me?

- Sorry you signed your life away?

- No.

I was one of those guys living

in a Norman Rockwell painting.

And looking back, I had no idea

how happy I really was.

Now across the gulf of space and time,

on another planet called Los Angeles,

California, two men were about to

have a conversation that would

change the path of my life forever.

Hey, how do you sleep

in a chair like that?

What?

How do you sleep

in a f***ing chair like that?

Do you mean how do I sleep

with all your f***ing noise over there?

You know there's nothing

to jack off to on the Internet?

Watch a video, you degenerate.

Oh, I'm a degenerate?

I'm a degenerate?

You're the one who bought

all the videos in the first place

- and I'm a degenerate?

- You've watched these 1 00 times.

That's why you need new sh*t.

Yeah, you're a f***ing degenerate.

F*** you.

Don't get all high and mighty.

F*** me? F*** you!

Why don't you stop

smoking all these cigarettes

and doing all this f***ing coke!

I gotta work in the morning

and I can't sleep

- choking on all this f***ing smoke!

- You smoke, you a**hole!

Not when I'm sleeping.

And clean this place up.

It's like living

in a f***ing toxic waste dump!

Oh, great. Now I get to live

with Martha f***in' Stewart here?

If I was Martha f***ing Stewart,

you'd be jerkin' off in front of me

all f***in' day, you f***in' loser!

Don't call me a loser.

Don't call me a f***ing loser, b*tch.

- You're a f***ing loser.

- Don't call me a loser!

- Take it back!

- Don't you square off with me!

- I will kick your ass!

- Take it back!

You son of a b*tch!

- Take it back!

- F***ing...

What these two idiots don't know

is that they're less than a year away

from being worth millions

and millions of dollars.

And turning the Internet

into what it is today.

Maybe I should go back even further.

Buck Dolby moved out to LA

only a couple of months earlier

to join Wayne Beering.

These two were childhood friends,

and like everybody else,

were trying to figure out a way

to make it big and get rich.

The only problem was that

they had no plan whatsoever

on how to make their dream come true.

Who could guess that would be

the perfect recipe for success?

As I was flying in here,

I noticed there was so much haze.

How do you deal with all this smog?

Oh, yeah, I don't really

go out that much.

Well, you have a job.

No, I've been collecting disability,

but it runs out in a few weeks.

- You hurt yourself?

- No, I fell.

- I told them I was gonna sue.

- What are you gonna do?

Oh, I don't know, but I feel

I'm on the verge of something.

Yeah? Me, too! I feel like

I'm on the verge of something.

It's like I got these ideas.

Theyjust keep rushing at me.

- Yeah.

- Like idea after idea after idea.

- It's like this waterfall.

- Yeah, it's like a cascade.

- Yeah, like...

- Yeah.

Like I said, they were idiots.

Well, that's not exactly true.

Believe it or not,

Buck was some kind of big-shot

rocket scientist at the age of 22.

He apparently has an IQ of 1 87,

although you'd never know it

talking to the guy.

Buck's favorite thing in the world to do

was spending weekends at NASA,

getting coked to the gills

and floating in space.

Needless to say, he got fired.

Sit. Sit. Sit.

From what I understand,

Wayne was a terrific veterinarian.

He even taught some classes.

- Who's the doctor here, you or me?

- You are, but...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes