Mirror mirror

---

Once upon a time,

in a kingdom far, far away,

a baby girl was born.

Her skin was pure as snow.

Her hair was dark as night.

- (BABY CRYING)

- They called her Snow White.

Probably because that was

the most pretentious name

they could come up with.

As fate would have it,

Snow White's mother died in childbirth.

Left on his own...

- (GIRL GIGGLING)

- ...her father spoiled the young girl.

He could afford to, of course.

He was the king.

The king loved his daughter,

- and all his subjects loved him.

- (CROWD CHEERING)

The kingdom was a happy place,

where people danced

and sang day and night.

Apparently,

no one had a job back then.

Just singing and dancing

all day and all night.

But I digress.

The king raised

the little girl by himself,

grooming her to one day lead.

But over time, he realized

there were some things

he couldn't teach her.

So he sought out a new queen.

This queen was

the most beautiful woman in the world.

She was intelligent and strong.

And just to clarify, she was me.

And this is my story. Not hers.

Bewitched by my beauty,

the king begged me to marry him.

I was everything to him:

the stars, the moon.

But a dark magic invaded the land.

The brave king bid farewell

to Snow White,

leaving her his favorite dagger.

An interesting gift,

but more on that later.

(HOOFBEATS)

He rode off into the dark woods

and, sadly, was never seen again.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Snow White searched and searched

for her father,

and when she realized

he was truly gone,

she was devastated.

The girl was now left under the care

of the beautiful queen.

Ten years passed,

and Snow White grew older and blossomed.

But the kingdom fell into an icy despair

as the queen realized,

if she wanted to remain

the most beautiful woman in all the land,

well, Snow would have to do

what snow does best.

Snow would have to fall.

(SIGHS)

(BIRD CHIRPING)

(TWITTERING)

Well, hello there.

(CHIRPS)

Would you like a treat?

Here you go.

(CHUCKLES)

(FANFARE PLAYING NEARBY)

Oh, I think the party's started.

F to D-9.

To your left, Lord Waverly.

If someone would please

teach Lord Waverly

his left from his right,

I would be so very grateful.

Excuse me.

B to J-12.

My lady, I feel it is my duty

to tell you of the rumors

- that I've been hearing.

- Rumors?

Well, there have been rumblings

that the kingdom

is close to destitute.

If we were to join

our two houses in marriage...

- (SCOFFS)

- ...I feel the gentry would be reassured

that the kingdom

was stable once again.

(LAUGHS)

Brighton, a word, please.

- Yes, Your Majesty?

- Loose lips sink ships.

Yes, indeed,

Your Majesty, exactly.

Which ship would you like sunk?

It's an expression, Brighton.

A royal decree. Take it down.

- Ah, marvelous.

- Any busybodies...

...caught rumoring,

gossiping, whispering,

or even thinking

shall be put to death.

- How does that sound?

- It's decisive.

Snow White.

Is there a fire?

I'm sorry?

Is your bedroom on fire?

Because I'm searching

for an explanation

as to why you would be out

of your bedroom and in here,

and my first guess was fire.

I thought maybe I could

come to the gala,

you know, because today

is my 18th birthday.

Is it, now? Oh, my, oh, my.

E to F-3, please.

Snow White, maybe it is

time I ease up on you. Hmm?

After all, you've done nothing to me,

caused no problems.

And yet...

...there is something about you

that's just so incredibly...

...irritating.

I don't know what it is.

The slumped shoulders.

The hair, that voice... Mm!

I know what it is.

- I think it is the hair.

- (GASPS)

I hate your hair.

I don't care if it's your 100th birthday.

Don't ever sneak

into a party like this again.

B to F-6.

C to D-4.

Baron, you've been beaten for the last

five minutes and didn't even know it.

(APPLAUDING)

Bravo, Your Majesty.

It's important to know

when you've been beaten. Yes.

(GEESE HONKING)

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

MAN:
I certainly don't like

the look of these woods, sire.

If you don't mind me saying,

they seem very sinister.

They're trees, Renbock.

Trees are just wood.

It's not the trees

I'm afraid of, sire.

There are stories of a man-eating beast

inhabiting these parts.

It thrills my heart to no end

thinking that my traveling companion

still believes in fairy tales.

If you don't mind me asking, when does

Your Highness think we're going home?

We've been on the road for months.

I just thought perhaps we could take a break.

We didn't set out seeking a vacation.

We set out seeking an adventure.

- Adventure, yes.

- And we're going to find one.

- (DRY CHUCKLE)

- (RUSTLING)

(HORSE NICKERING)

(RUSTLING)

I really don't think this is

a good idea, sire. We should ride on.

Not until we find out

what's in these woods.

- (HORSE NEIGHS)

- Go around. Go around.

- Giants! Renbock! Renbock!

- Giants!

- After him!

- (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)

- You there! Empty your pockets!

- What?

He said empty your pockets!

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

Yah!

Ha-ha!

- (WHINNYING)

- (GRUNTING)

- Give me that!

- Sit down!

- (GRUNTS)

- Stay down!

I found some roadkill!

- Do you concede?

- Yeah, do ya?

- (ALL GROWLING)

- Sire.

(LAUGHS)

MAN:
What's so funny?

You're not a giant!

None of you are giants.

Your point is?

You can't expect me to fight you.

Ah! Then he concedes!

- MAN:
Yeah!

- Of course he concedes.

(DEFLATING)

(ALL PANTING)

I most certainly do not.

I'm simply stating

that I will not fight a bunch of dwarfs!

- Why?

- You're miniscule!

- Miniscule?

- Diminutive?

- Runts?

- Thank you. Runts?

- Runts? That's the best you got?

- So uninspired.

- The village idiot used to call us that.

- (ALL MUTTERING)

Take you the whole day

to come up with that?

It doesn't matter!

You're short, and it's funny.

Funny? Not as funny as my blade

against your throat.

Ease back.

All we want is his gold.

- I've got his saddlebag.

- Now we're talking!

Let's look in there.

Come on, get it open.

- That is not your property!

- Eh, whatever.

- Get your hands off of that immediately!

- Give them what they want, sire.

Nonsense. Apparently somebody has to teach

a lesson to these children!

(GROWLING)

No one is to know the details, Renbock.

Understood?

- Say it!

- (GRUNTS)

No one needs to know the details,

Your Royal Highness.

(CLEARS THROAT)

ALL:
Happy birthday, Snow!

- You remembered.

- Of course we remembered.

A girl's 18th birthday

is the most important birthday of them all.

(APPLAUSE)

Do you want to know what I wish

for your birthday, Snow White?

You can't make a wish for me.

Do you know why I continue to work

for that wretched queen year after year?

I do it because I know that one day

you are going to take back your kingdom,

and I want to be here

when that happens.

- It is not my kingdom.

- Oh, but it is.

Your father meant

for you to inherit his crown.

And that woman has

the entire kingdom convinced

that you're a pathetic shut-in,

incapable of leaving the castle.

And the worst is,

she has you thinking it.

Your father's dagger.

I had it cleaned up and polished.

What would I do with this?

Perhaps you need to see for yourself

what goes on in your kingdom.

WOMAN:
The people don't

sing and dance any more.

They need to see who you really are.

And you need to believe.

- I'm going out.

- Is she allowed to go out?

I don't know. Is she?

- OK...

- She's going out!

I won't say anything if you don't.

- Pinky swear?

- Pinky swear.

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall.

(BIRDS CAWING)

(WATER GURGLING)

Can you believe that baron?

I mean, honestly, did he really think

I would consider marrying him?

A woman has standards, after all,

and an exalted woman like myself

has very high standards.

- Interesting.

- What is?

Your response to his proposal.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Consider the options.

Well, this option

has a receding hairline,

smells like rotten eggs,

and I wouldn't be caught dead with him.

You've spent so much supporting

your vanity, you can't afford to say no.

Then why don't you snap your fingers

and make me a chest of gold, hm?

Everyone has magic within them,

but very few discover it

and learn to spend it wisely.

Trust me. I am, after all,

merely a reflection of you.

Well, not an exact reflection.

(WHISPERS) I have no wrinkles.

(GASPS)

They're not wrinkles, just crinkles.

As you wish.

What do you suggest I do?

I suggest you marry someone rich. Quickly.

Because one day soon, you will ask me

who the fairest of them all is,

- and you won't like the answer.

- (HUFFS)

(BIRD CAWING)

RENBOCK:
Hello?

Is anybody out there?

MAN:
Shut up, Renbock.

Nobody can hear you in the woods.

- RENBOCK:
On the off chance...

- MAN:
That there's somebody else

- in these miserable woods?

- RENBOCK:
Well, there could be.

- Is that tone?

- RENBOCK:
No, it's not tone.

- I was repeating...

- MAN:
You did it in a very smart way.

I did not! I don't like being

this close to you. I've told you before.

I was warned what I might find

in these woods, but...

MAN:
I picked the worst

traveling companion.

...I never imagined this!

- (LAUGHS)

- Who laughs at us?

We are in dire need of your help, ma'am.

- We were ambushed by seven dwarfs...

- Bloodthirsty giants.

- Giants?

- We were outnumbered,

we fought bravely, but they cheated.

Young lady, if you would be so kind

as to help myself and the honorable Prince...

- (GRUNTING, COUGHING)

- Prince of Embarrassment.

Fool! I'm but a humble commoner.

- Now, we order you to release us.

- Order me?

If you refuse,

you shall suffer dire consequences.

Only if you say please.

Given the circumstances, sir,

I think a please is in order.

You're right.

Where are my manners?

- Please.

- That's all you had to say.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Thank you so much!

No, no, no! Wait! No!

- (GRUNTING)

- Oh!

- Are you all right? Can I help at all?

- (BOTH GRUNTING)

- Oh, yes, please.

- Yes. That's it.

- There you go.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, oh! Oh.

Um... Do you want some help

with the rope?

Yes. Thank you.

I'm sorry you had to see us

in such a compromising position.

We're going north.

Oh, I'm... I'm traveling south.

- It's a shame.

- Yes, it is.

- (CLEARS THROAT)

- (GIGGLES)

Uh...

Then I guess we must bid you adieu.

Hm.

(SIGHS)

She turned around. Did you see that?

No. I don't think she's interested, sir.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- BRIGHTON:
Your Highness?

- Yes.

Pardon, Your Majesty, but...

you have a visitor.

I'm not in the mood, Brighton.

He's young, handsome...

...and semi-nude.

Your Highness,

may I present to you the esteemed

Prince Alcott of Valencia.

Your Majesty.

Please pardon our dress.

I'm afraid my valet and I were robbed

by bandits as we entered your kingdom.

Bandits? How awful.

How absolutely terrifying

and smooth and hairy.

- What?

- What?

- What?

- Nothing.

Could I trouble you for a covering?

Perhaps a shirt?

If you must.

Um...

- Um...

- (WHISPERS) Brighton.

- Brighton.

- Your Majesty.

The prince is bashful

and requires, sadly, a covering.

- BRIGHTON:
Of course, milady.

- I'm not bashful.

Sir, is there any particular style

of shirt you'd like?

Brighton.

A simple covering.

A simple covering it is.

(QUEEN CHUCKLES)

Valencia, you say.

I've never heard of it.

Is it a wee hamlet?

No, quite the contrary.

It's a bountiful province.

We have many natural resources.

Gold, silver, bustling silk trade.

You don't say.

Send out the invites.

Alert the caterer.

I want you to organize a ball

like this kingdom has never seen before.

We are gonna sweep this kid

right off his feet.

Uh... Forgive me, Your Majesty,

but I don't understand.

Brighton, the prince is rich.

He's built like an ox.

I'm going to marry him, and then

my financial problems will be... solved.

No, I understand that part.

What I don't understand is

how you intend to pay for the party.

It pains me to say this,

but you're broke, my Queen.

Then go collect more taxes.

(LAUGHS)

Your Majesty, I don't know

the last time you were in the town,

but the people are starving.

Do you have no imagination?

Go tell the villagers that bread is meat,

less is more, blah, blah, blah.

Commoners love a good metaphor.

Just go sell it.

"Bread is meat."

(GEESE HONKING)

(BELL TOLLING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BABY CRYING)

- (WHISPERS) OK, go.

- Excuse me.

Do you have anything to eat?

What happened here?

I visited once with my father.

It was a wonderful place.

People always seemed

to be singing and dancing.

That must have been many years ago.

- BRIGHTON:
Yah! Yah!

- (HORSE NEIGHS)

Whoa!

- More taxes?

- Good, you can read.

Make sure they are collected

in a timely fashion.

What's she doing with all our money?

- Protecting you.

- From what?

Must I remind you

of the brutal attacks we have suffered?

- He speaks of...

- The beast!

(CROWD GASPS)

Yes. Evil lurks in the dark woods,

more hideous than

you could ever imagine.

The only reason it hasn't gorged

itself on all of you...

...is because your tax dollars

are hard at work.

I'll be back tomorrow for the money.

(LOW MURMURS)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

You will return as quickly as possible

and you will bring with you

a platoon of castle guards.

Just look how she's dressed me, sire.

Like a pink profiterole.

That reminds me. We need clothes.

And gold. An army.

Clothes? Why? Do you not like

the queen's taste in men's fashion?

Have you been listening

to anything I've said?

Yes. Soldiers, gold, clothes.

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Good.

- Only if you say please.

Please, Renbock.

Sire, I implore you to come back with me now.

This queen radiates crazy.

You know these women always get crazy

when there's a prince around.

No. There's

"I'm in the same room as a prince" crazy,

and then there's just good old-fashioned,

plain, traditional psycho crazy.

I fear she's the latter.

Safe travels, Renbock. And when you return,

I pray you're wearing your pants.

Well, I will pray the same

for you, sire. I bid you adieu.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

SNOW WHITE:
Baker Margaret!

Baker Margaret!

Margaret, it's worse

than you could ever imagine!

- You saw the town?

- Yes. It's awful.

The queen has destroyed

everything my father believed in.

Oh... (WHISPERS) Go on.

She's taxing them more as we speak,

even though they have nothing.

That's to pay for all her lavish parties.

She's throwing another one tonight.

For a prince.

- A prince is here?

- And, Snow,

it's said he has an army.

Well, maybe he could help us.

If he truly has an army, maybe

he could help us take back the kingdom.

My goodness.

Someone's had quite a day.

You're gonna have

an even bigger night.

You're gonna crash that ball.

BRIGHTON:
You look fabulous, Your Majesty.

"Fabulous"? Brighton,

I haven't even begun to get ready yet.

Well, then, one can only imagine

how fabulous...

- Shut up, Brighton.

- With pleasure.

The treatment is ready.

Treatment?

Isn't that a trifle excessive?

There's no such thing.

- (BIRD SQUAWKING)

- (FLATULENT SOUNDS)

Try not to enjoy this, baker lady.

I'll do my best.

(WHISPERS) Tightening, brightening.

Tightening and brightening.

(GIGGLES)

(GASPS)

Ahh.

(BUZZING)

- Happy place, happy place.

- (BUZZING)

(HUMMING)

Oh, that's always the worst part.

(YELLS)

Hm.

I can feel you smiling.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN:
Her Majesty the Queen!

His Royal Highness,

- the Prince of Valencia!

- (SCATTERED GASPS)

In folklore, the rabbit is known to use

cunning and trickery to outwit his enemies.

Or perhaps you prefer your guests feel

out of control and slightly uncomfortable.

Handsome and smart.

How confusing.

- Hey, kid. Scram.

- (WALTZ PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

- You.

- You!

- You're here.

- (STAMMERING) I am. I'm here.

But... you're the prince?

(STAMMERS)

I'm sorry. Seeing you in this dress

has caused me to lose my words.

Well, at least it doesn't cause

you to lose your pants.

(SIGHS) I mean, when I met you first,

you weren't wearing pants.

Yes.

Well, at least now

you're dressed... up...

...like a bunny.

- MAN:
Sorry.

Apparently it's a rabbit.

Something about trickery

and enemies and cunning.

Oh, OK.

- I look like an idiot.

- Yes, a little bit.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- So, what are you...

- Doing in the palace? Um...

I live here.

I have for a while, actually.

- I'm kind of the princess.

- What? You didn't tell me that.

- You never told me you're a prince.

- (MAN GASPING)

I feared I looked ridiculous.

- Said the prince in the bunny hat.

- (GIGGLES)

- Aren't we supposed to be changing?

- Yes, I believe so.

- Oh! Sorry!

- (EXCLAIMING)

- I'm so sorry!

- No, no, no, it's OK.

- Forgive me.

- No, forgive me.

The truth is, I didn't just

come here to dance tonight.

- I need your help.

- Anything. I'm at your disposal.

SNOW WHITE:
It's the queen.

Ever since my father died,

she's terrorized

the people and ruined the land.

And I would hope that a good-hearted

prince like yourself would...

I have to go.

- Brighton.

- Right away.

MAN:
Sir...

(WHIMPERING)

(YELPS)

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- (APPLAUSE)

You sneaky little tart.

What were you doing, talking to my prince?

- Your prince?

- And where did you get such a dress?

Do you want to talk about my dress

or what you did to the village?

Good for you, Snow White!

Someone's been taking

their confidence pills, hmm?

Do it again.

Say it again. Come on.

Oh, you're no fun!

Brighton, you do it.

Do you want to talk about my dress

or about what you did to the village?

Not irritating enough.

Come on. Say it again.

Be more irritating, more infuriating. Hmm?

(HIGH VOICE) Do you want to talk about my

dress or about what you did to the village?

Actually, you're both irritating.

I've been there.

I've seen what you did to the people.

You left the castle grounds?

Wow. Snow White breaking

all the rules today, hmm?

- That's a punishable offense, you know.

- By whose law?

You have no right

to rule the way you do.

- Hm.

- And technically,

I'm the rightful leader of this kingdom.

(GASPS)

Mmm.

Probably not the best thing

you could have said just there.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I want her killed.

Killed? Your Majesty,

isn't that a bit rash?

She is a threat to everything.

Take her to the woods

and feed her to the beast.

Is this about the dress?

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(SMALL GASP)

- BRIGHTON:
Keep moving.

- SNOW WHITE:
Just let me go.

I swear you'll never see me again.

You think I want to be here?

You brought this on yourself.

You never should have upstaged the queen,

and now we're both paying the price.

Stop.

- Brighton, please.

- Turn around.

- (RUSTLING)

- (GASPS)

(BEAST ROARING)

Please. Brighton, I'm afraid.

I don't want to die like my father did.

Your father was a good man.

He was always very kind to me.

In return, I shall give you

one small piece of advice.

Run. Run as fast as you can

and as far away from here as possible.

- Just run.

- (BRANCHES CRACKLING)

Like this. Run!

- Brighton!

- Run!

(BEAST HOWLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(MUTTERS) What am I going to do?

I've got to figure some way out.

- She'll never believe me.

- QUEEN:
Brighton.

(GASPING)

- Brighton!

- Coming! Coming.

(KNOCKING)

- Your Majesty?

- Is it done?

Oh! Just as you instructed.

That's her liver,

her kidneys, her spleen...

- That's disgusting.

- ...and a few other assorted parts.

I'll admit... I'm impressed.

You're not as pathetic and wimpy

as I have always believed.

That's the nicest thing

you've ever said to me.

Wow, I feel amazing!

Positively lightheaded.

I'm just glad to see you

in such a good mood.

(EXHALING)

Yes! We must release

the news of the tragedy, right?

The usual stuff. You know,

"struck down in her youth," "terrible loss."

We'll fly the flags at half-mast.

Flags throughout the kingdom,

or just within the palace grounds?

That's too much trouble.

Forget the flags.

Her parts! Your dagger.

- Night-night.

- Night-night.

- Don't let the bedbugs bite.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

Glory!

(MAN CHUCKLES)

She's awake.

Who are you?

We ask the questions here.

Who are you?

My name is Snow White.

ALL:
Snow White?

- That's not possible.

- Snow White's a defective troll.

Yeah. They keep her locked up

in the tower.

Maybe this is a different Snow White.

- Huh?

- It's not such an uncommon name.

If you're Snow White, then...

...who's your father?

- The king.

- She is Snow White, see?

- Eh.

I say never trust anyone

over four feet.

Yeah. Let's drag her back out to the woods

and pretend like we didn't see nothing!

No, you fools! She's a princess.

- That means she's valuable.

- We should hold her for ransom.

- She's worth gold.

- Maybe we should get to know her first.

You won't get any gold for me.

They want me dead.

The queen sent me

out here to be killed by the beast.

(ALL MURMURING)

Why would the queen want you dead?

Because she's wicked.

- She's evil.

- (MURMURS OF ASSENT)

- She's a witch.

- Do you remember that time?

Sorry, but we have

an appointment to keep.

So it's time for girlie

to shuffle along.

Oh, wait! You can't just kick me out.

I have nowhere else to go.

Look. If the queen finds you here,

she'll kill us, too.

Mm-hmm.

All I'm asking is to spend one night. Please.

Huddle!

All right, you guys, let me hear it.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

All those in favor of letting

the girl stay, say "aye."

Aye.

- Opposed?

- Nay.

(ALL GROANING)

Tough luck, Your Highness.

Sorry, Snow White.

All votes need to be unanimous.

(GROWLING)

- One night.

- Thank you.

(CHUCKLING)

Come on, guys. Duty calls.

Wait! I don't even know your names.

I'm Butcher.

Will Grimm.

Half Pint.

Napoleon.

Grub.

Chuck.

But you can call him Chuckles.

(CHUCKLING)

Stay focused, and no more arguing.

Maybe I should stay back with her.

I think she might be uncomfortable.

- No.

- And I'm Wolf.

(HOWLING)

(LAUGHING)

(CONTINUES HOWLING)

Boys...

...I like her.

- Yeah, me, too.

She'll bring a feminine touch.

If you ask me,

- she's just gonna bring the queen's guards.

- (CHUCKLES)

- You think she has a boyfriend?

- Yeah. Me.

(GROANING)

(HOWLING)

Snow White is dead.

(ALL GASPING)

One of God's great mysteries

is His plan

for each and every one of us.

(MUTTERS) Speed it up.

Snow White lived, she died,

God rest her soul. Amen.

There will be a buffet lunch

served at 2:
00.

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

Magistrate, I've come for the taxes.

The people cannot bear this much longer.

Are you seriously going to argue

about money on this day of grieving?

(SIGHS)

(WHINNYING)

(HUMMING)

(GRUNTS)

That's odd.

(YELLING)

What do we have here?

Looks like a royal to me.

Are you a royal?

No, no. Not a royal,

just a humble servant.

You're riding in the queen's sled.

No. This is a rental.

Well, you're wearing royal garments.

These tired old rags?

You boys have got to get

out of the woods more often.

What's in that pretty sack?

My lunch.

Good, I'm famished.

What are we eating?

Boys! The mother lode!

(ALL LAUGHING, CHEERING)

Give me that!

That money belongs to the queen!

Don't spend it all in one place.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Nothing like an honest day's work.

Beats working down a mine.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Welcome home.

(SNIFFING)

Lamb. Carrots. Gravy.

- I say she's a keeper.

- Sure she is.

Oh, man!

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

(CHATTERING)

Why do you have

palace guard uniforms?

- We got them at work.

- What kind of job do you have?

We're... renegades.

- Rebels.

- Thieves!

That's true.

We stole the queen's gold!

You broke into the palace?

No, we nabbed it outside the village.

So you actually stole the people's gold.

(CHUCKLES)

- Not exactly.

- Yes, exactly!

That's the people's money!

Why, that's terrible. They need it.

- You must return it.

- We worked hard for that money.

Stealing isn't work.

- Sure it's work!

- It's hard!

I tore my shirt, had to sew it.

That's work.

I'm sorry you got a few scrapes,

but the townspeople need that money.

They hate us.

- Well, that can't be true.

- It is. They despise us.

Years ago, when the queen

expelled all the "undesirables"...

...no one stood up for us.

She said...

"Banish all the Uglies."

You've been mistreated by the queen.

No one understands that better than me.

It's unfair, but so is stealing

from innocent families.

We weren't always thieves.

- We were legitimate.

- With real trades.

- I was a teacher.

- I was a butcher.

And I ran the pub.

A good, honest job.

- Honest?

- It was almost honest.

- I stole a little.

- A little?

- It's a cash business!

- That's your excuse?

Hey, everybody does it, all right?

- I didn't.

- Neither did I.

Uh, you put your thumb on the scale!

- I did not!

- Did too! And you cheat at poker!

- I win at poker.

- You cheat at poker?

(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

- (YELLS)

- (CHATTER STOPS)

Where's the gold?

(YELLING)

(PANTING)

- Whoa!

- Move it!

- Come on, let's get the stilts.

- Forget the stilts! Come on!

(GROWLING)

Good thing she's in that dress,

otherwise we'd never catch her!

My friends, our money

has been returned!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It was brought back to us by...

Come up here, young lady,

and tell us your name.

- I'm...

- BUTCHER:
That belongs to us!

Hold on a second!

- Those men there!

- Move!

SNOW WHITE:
Those men...

They're the ones

that brought back the gold.

The queen told you that they

were undesirables, but she lied.

Huh?

These brave men are the true heroes.

They fearlessly raided

the queen's caravan and...

...and retrieved your gold.

They're the ones

that really deserve your thanks.

- Yay!

- (APPLAUSE)

Yay!

- Yeah!

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Are you enjoying the quail?

Mm. It looks delicious,

Your Highness. Thank you.

I could barely hear you

all the way down there. (CHUCKLES)

You know, everyone has remarked

what a wonderful dancer you were last night.

Thank you, Your Highness.

I do have one question about the evening.

There was a girl there.

She had black hair and was very beautiful.

Beautiful?

Yes, I'd say she was

the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Ever is a very long time.

No, no, no, I know this in my heart.

I think she's the most beautiful

woman in the whole world.

Agree to disagree.

Let's leave it at that.

But do you know her?

Ivory skin, black hair...

Her hair is not black, it's raven,

and she's 18 years old,

and her skin has never seen the sun,

so of course it's good.

Meaning to say,

the girl you refer to is called Snow White.

Snow White.

I admit, she's very suited to the name.

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

Most unfortunate case, really.

The child...

(WHISPERING) ...wasn't all there.

I'm sorry, Highness,

you're speaking about her in past tense?

Oh, I am.

How indelicate of me. She's dead.

- Dead?

- Mm.

- How?

- Last night, in the woods.

Oh. Treacherous place, the woods.

- This is terrible.

- Do you need a second?

Yes, thank you,

I just need to process.

Prince Alcott,

I have a proposition for you.

We're both single adults,

roughly the same age.

- I don't think we're the same...

- I said roughly.

The point is, the clock is

ticking for both of us.

We are people of means.

Would you do me the honor and be my...

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- A moment, please!

(DOOR OPENS)

What?

Pardon my appearance, Your Majesty,

but there's been a development.

- The royal taxes have been stolen.

- Stolen? By whom?

- Bandits.

- Bandits.

Uh-huh, bandits.

- Very intimidating.

- I'm sorry. I can't take this any more.

Enough of these cowardly muggers!

Justice must prevail.

Wait. Wait!

Well, thank you, Brighton.

(WHISPERS) This close!

- (WHISTLES) Huddle!

- The deal's off. She stole our money.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

ALL:
You can stay.

- (SIGHS)

- But we've got conditions.

If you're going to live with us,

you have to be one of us.

I have to be a dwarf?

No. You have to be a thief.

I feel I've been clear

about my thoughts on stealing.

What if you were stealing

from the queen?

You said yourself she's wicked.

- Somebody has to stop her.

- Why not you?

Why not us?

I mean us.

But this time I have conditions.

Whatever we steal

goes back to the people.

- Minus a small commission.

- Butcher!

Fine. But she doesn't know

the first thing about thieving!

Then we'll teach her.

We'll teach her to believe.

People think you can't be tall

if you're short.

That you can't be strong

if you're not.

A weakness is only a weakness

if you think of it that way.

(GASPS)

Never, under any circumstances,

give up the high ground.

That one?

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

Before you even draw your sword,

you must make an impression on your enemy.

(SPITS)

If he is deceived by the way you look,

- the battle's half won.

- (GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES)

People think of you as sweet.

They don't expect you to fight dirty.

- Use that to your advantage.

- Whoo! Yes!

Concentrate.

- CRIMM:
Your weapon isn't your only friend.

- Sorry.

The environment can be an ally, too.

Deception on the battlefield

isn't just an option.

You're so cute when you're mad.

Oftentimes it's the difference

between victory and defeat.

(CHUCKLING)

(GRUNTING)

- Aah!

- Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Ow!

- (YELLING)

- (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

SNOW WHITE:
I'm sorry.

But you deserved it.

This is where

we were ambushed last time.

Keep your eyes open.

Oh! Oh, dear! (GASPING)

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

I'll be out of your way in a moment.

Oh, dear!

Ma'am, may I offer you

any assistance?

Oh, no! Sorry, sir!

Everything's all right. I'll just be...

- It's you.

- It's you.

- I thought you were dead.

- I almost was.

(SHOUTING)

- Give us your valuables!

- Stay behind me. You'll be safe.

(GRUNTING)

Here you go!

- You're with the bandits?

- You're with the queen!

(YELLING)

- You're a traitor.

- And you're a jerk.

All right, that's enough.

Stop this at once.

- I can't fight you.

- Why not?

Because you're a girl.

I don't fight girls.

(GROWLING)

Perhaps I should reconsider.

(GRUNTING)

The queen did say you were crazy.

She also said I was dead!

Watch out for that tree!

The queen has you in her thrall.

Can't you see she's manipulating you?

- That is absurd.

- (SHRIEKING)

The queen would be just fine if you

and your friends stopped robbing her!

Let's go for a ride!

Ow!

(GRUNTS)

Hm. Yield.

(HOWLING)

- Should we help her?

- Glad you've come to your sen...

Eh... She's doing pretty good on her own.

Ow!

If you weren't trying to stab me right now,

I might be tempted to kiss you.

I guess I better keep trying, then.

- Remember this?

- Yeah. Remember this?

(YELLS)

- Please forgive me.

- No. Forgive me.

You've been bested, so yield.

Put it down. We're done playing.

Or did you not learn enough

from your spankings?

- You even throw like a gir...

- (NEIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

(HOWLS)

(GROANS)

Why do you have to be so darn cute?

What?

Well, well, Prince Alcott.

We must stop meeting like this.

We were ambushed.

Bandits caught us by surprise.

You went to the woods

to find the bandits,

and yet the bandits

caught you by surprise?

I must admit, we were outskilled.

Their leader was incredibly

ruthless and cunning. She was...

She? The bandits' leader is a she?

The bandits' leader is Snow White.

(LAUGHS)

Impossible, sir. Snow White is dead.

Perhaps it was just someone

who looked like Snow White.

- It was definitely Snow White.

- You were in the forest, it was dark.

I think we should at least open

ourselves up to the possibility

that it was just someone who looked

a lot like the late Snow White.

- What a fun surprise.

- Agree to disagree.

- You told me she was dead!

- He said she was dead.

- I wish I was dead.

- You also told me she was mad.

She is mad.

Not as mad as I am, however.

So which is it, she's mad or she's dead?

She seemed completely sound of mind

when she and her band of dwarfs...

"Dwarfs"?

You said they were giants.

They're giant... dwarfs.

They're big, but sometimes small.

I feel I have been deceived.

- No, I am being deceived!

- Well, I feel...

Oh, for the love of God, could someone please

get this man a shirt so I can concentrate!

Not you, Brighton! Not you.

All I know is I've been misled

either by you or by Snow,

and I find this current line of events

to be completely confusing.

"Confusing"? A fine word.

A grand word for this situation.

In years to come, when people

look upon the word "confusing,"

they will point to this very afternoon,

when the world learned

that a dead girl was alive,

leading around a band of giant dwarfs.

And here I was having such a good day!

(HEAVY EXHALE)

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall.

- Is she really alive?

- I was going to tell you,

but I thought it would be more entertaining

to let you find out on your own.

I don't understand!

Brighton said he fed her to the beast.

Brighton fell victim to her beauty,

just like all the others.

- I need your magic.

- MIRROR:
There is a price to using magic.

What is this "price"

you're always going on about?

Do you have to be cryptic?

I just want her dead!

So short-sighted.

I need to do something

about this prince.

Forget the prince.

Perhaps the baron is more your speed.

No! I want to marry the prince!

His heart yearns for Snow White.

We'll use the love potion from before.

The one I served to her father!

You used it up.

You've used up too much.

- And I want Brighton dead, too.

- Don't overreact.

Kill Brighton and you'll be

without your executive bootlicker.

That's a very good point.

But he has to be punished for lying to me.

Do something terrible to him.

Use your magic!

- You'll pay the price...

- I know! I'll pay the price for using magic!

I've got it! Now punish him!

- (SNAP)

- (SCREAMS)

(TINY SCREAM)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Entrez.

You wish to see me, Your Highness?

A peace offering.

Thank you, Highness.

I don't feel like drinking.

Because... you are a man in love.

Is it that obvious?

Unburden yourself.

I just... I don't understand,

Your Majesty. I don't.

I met her in the forest,

and she seemed so kind.

And then at the dance,

she was lovely and charming and...

Perfection, really.

But then today it was...

Her true colors were revealed?

Snow White...

...is a very erratic girl.

Some would even call her

high maintenance.

Love can be so difficult.

Love always is.

I thought I had found

my ideal man, until he was...

(SNIFFLES)

...struck down in his prime.

- You're right. We must honor the late king.

- We must.

- A fallen hero must be remembered.

- Must.

Oh, no. Gold is my lucky color.

Of course.

Mm.

(GROANING)

- (CRASHES)

- (CUP CLATTERING)

(PANTING)

- What are you doing?

- (WHINES)

- Master!

- (YELLS)

Get off! Get off! Sit! Sit!

Love. Puppy?

Puppy love.

What am I supposed to do with a puppy?

(WHINES) We're going

to have so much fun!

You could take me on walks!

You could throw sticks.

I will retrieve them!

You can rub my tummy!

All off-topic.

What I need you to do is marry me.

Yes, I will. I will do that.

I will marry you, because I love you.

I love you to the edge

of the four corners of the Earth.

I love you to the edge of the Seven Seas.

- Really?

- I do! You're my master!

(SHRIEKS)

Oh-ho-ho!

Stop!

Fetch!

- Fetch.

- (WHINES)

(WHIMPERING)

Go get it! Go get it!

(HOWLING BARK)

There are pros and cons to this.

(SIGHS)

Can't you ever just enjoy the moment?

(GRUNTS) Hey!

- Who put that tree there?

- Oh, boy.

Hey, listen!

You guys are never going to believe

what I heard at the... pub.

- What?

- What?

Shh!

Queen is getting married.

- What?

- Again?

- Not good.

- What's on the menu?

Who's she marrying, the baron?

No! She's marrying the prince!

- Why would he do that?

- Why would you care?

Could someone pass

the potatoes, please?

When's the wedding?

Tomorrow. Down at the lake.

Potatoes, please?

What?

It's just a private little affair.

What was that all about?

Idiot. Can't you see she loves him?

Loves him?

He tried to kill her today.

Exactly. What do you think love is?

Love is someone

passing the potatoes.

I love you, Grub.

- That was meant for him.

- Good aim.

BUTCHER:
Does he look like

he needs more potatoes?

NAPOLEON:
Somebody has to go after her.

BUTCHER:
Look, she's a girl.

Girls cry. It's no big deal.

- GRIMM:
No wonder his wife left him.

- BUTCHER:
You better watch it...

QUEEN:
I want her killed.

Snow White.

I need your magic.

Just give me whatever you've got!

I just want her dead!

- What is that?

- It's black magic!

Guys.

Guys!

The stilts!

Whoa!

Grub! Come on. I got you.

Behind you!

(GROWLING)

Inside! Move, move!

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

- Why did you bring the pot?

- Look out!

Tree!

GRIMM:
Come on! Come on!

(GROWLING)

- GRUB:
No, Butcher!

- Whoa!

Butcher!

- Go, go, go!

- (GRUNTING)

Higher ground!

Higher ground!

- Butcher!

- You OK?

- I'm fine, I'm fine.

- (LAUGHING)

- Go! Underneath the beds.

- BUTCHER:
Hide!

What is that?

- (LAUGHS)

- (SCREAMS)

Split up!

Hurry, hurry! Get in.

He's above you!

Up here! Over here!

Huh? Hm?

- Move over! Move over!

- (GASPING)

Hmm?

(CHUCKLES)

(SCREAMS)

Wolf! We've got to fight back!

- (GROWLS)

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(BARKS)

You're mean!

Ha!

Ha ha!

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- (HOWLS)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

Wolf, no. Let it go!

(GRUNTING)

(ALL YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

They're puppets.

Butcher!

(YELLING)

Oh, no!

(SCREAMING)

- Are you OK?

- (GROANING)

What's he doing?

(SNIFFING)

Is that the custom in Valencia?

Oh!

- (GRUNTS)

- Must...

...look...

...glorious.

This is every woman's

special day.

How special can it be?

You've been married five times.

Quiet!

Happy place, happy place,

happy place.

(WHIMPERING)

(GIBBERING)

(YELPS)

Ahh!

I... I... I...

I was a cockroach.

(SOBBING) It was a nightmare.

I was crunchy and small

and frightened by exposure to light.

Everybody tried to step on me!

And then, in a strange turn of events,

a grasshopper

took advantage of me!

All very fascinating,

but it is my wedding day.

We're not interested in your adventures.

Cinch me up.

- But I was a...

- Cinch it.

Out of my way, baker lady.

- (GRUNTING)

- Oh!

(LAUGHS) I knew I was the same size.

Untether me.

Time for me to get rich. (LAUGHS)

I mean "hitched." Bring around the sled.

Guys, wake up. Wake up.

Guys, wake up!

- Snow's gone.

- What?

GRUB:
Did you check the kitchen?

She must have left when we slept.

Impossible.

She'd never just leave us like that.

Did she make us breakfast?

No, but... she left a note.

Let me see that.

"Dear Butcher, Napoleon, Grub,

Half Pint, Wolf, Chuck and Grimm...

I'm so sorry to leave.

I love you all dearly..."

All?

She loves us all?

Keep reading.

"I love you all dearly...

...but I've realized...

...that my presence...

can only cause you harm."

"I thought I was strong enough

to do this, but I am not.

I am not my father,

much as I wish I was.

I am not a leader.

I'll go someplace far away

where I can be safe from the queen...

...but I know I will forever

cherish our time together.

Love, Snow.

Grub, I left you a tall stack

of pancakes on the stove."

I don't want pancakes.

I want Snow.

OK.

Let's consider all our options

and then we'll put it to a vote.

BUTCHER:
No.

No huddle and no vote.

We go after her now.

Come on, guys.

She couldn't have gone far.

Wolf, you track her.

Snow?

- (ALL GRUNTING)

- ALL:
Snow!

You were supposed to let me leave.

No, no. Don't leave us.

You can't just give up now.

What about the prince?

He loves someone else.

You know what? She's right.

He does, actually.

That's impossible.

SNOW WHITE:
I never

had a chance with the prince,

just like I never had

a chance against the queen.

Snow, you once told us

that because people are mean to us,

we can still steal from them,

as long as they're not poor children.

- That's not what she said.

- I was taking poetic license.

Snow, you took seven

thieving dwarves,

who thought they had

no other chance in life,

and you gave them another choice.

You were strong enough to do that.

We don't see a little girl

when we look at you, Snow.

- We see a princess.

- And a leader.

- Our leader.

- Your kingdom needs you.

I need you.

I mean, we need you.

Who feels like crashing a wedding?

ALL:
Yeah! (CHEERING)

Yah! Yah!

- (GASPS)

- (GASPS)

(CHUCKLES)

- MAN:
Oh, hello. Lovely to see you.

- Oh.

I was just asking for you.

I was just remarking

to your cousin, over there...

Oh!

(HUMMING)

Mmm.

(GRUNTING)

(WHISTLING)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

Huh?

Excuse me.

(SHOUTING)

This is a stickup.

- Give us your money.

- And your clothes.

- No.

- Did he say "clothes"?

You cannot do this to me again!

(GRUNTS, WHINES)

No matter how many times I do it...

...I still get excited

on my wedding day.

(CLEARING THROAT)

QUEEN:
Oh.

- (CLEARING THROAT)

- Oh!

What is it with this kingdom?

This is outrageous.

- Insulting.

- Your Majesty.

If you are unfit to handle a few bandits,

you are unfit to rule.

The gentry want you deposed.

Oh, I'm sorry, Baron, did you say...

Deposed! Dismissed. Removed from office.

OK. Could someone

get the prince, please?

I'm afraid he's not here,

Your Majesty.

- Excuse me?

- The prince has been stolen.

By whom?

ALL:
Snow White.

Ha.

If you want someone dead,

you have to do it yourself.

(WHIMPERING, WHINING)

(SOBBING)

You have to take me back

to my precious queen!

- Enough already!

- You don't understand!

I yearn for the nectar of her skin.

"Nectar of her skin"?

Who talks like that?

He must be under

some kind of spell.

A spell?

That sounds like the queen.

Anyone know how to break a spell?

(GROWLING, SNAPPING)

(SOBS)

- (YELPS, COUGHS)

- Oh!

(WHINES) My only pain is being

absent from my queen!

(WHINING)

- There you go, buddy.

- (GAGGING)

(LAUGHING)

(HORN BLARING)

(CHANTING)

- (GROWLING)

- (WHIMPERS)

(WHINES, SOBS)

(HOWLING)

Anyone have any more ideas?

I've got it. I can't believe

I didn't think of this before.

A kiss.

Excuse me?

The kiss of true love

is what liberates someone from a spell.

That is the stupidest idea

I've ever heard.

NAPOLEON:
And boxing his ears

was a fabulous idea.

She is not kissing anybody.

- Who put you in charge of her lips?

- That's final!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Guys!

It's not how a girl

imagines her first kiss.

But...

...I guess it's worth a try.

Wait.

This is your first kiss?

We can do better than this.

ALL:
Napoleon!

This is her first kiss!

Do not mess with me on this.

Mm-hmm.

Please don't do this.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no! No, no!

Don't sit, don't sit!

Just close your eyes.

(GROANING)

Mm-mm! Mm-mm! Mm-mm!

SNOW WHITE:
I can't do this!

I need a little privacy.

- Please?

- (ALL GRUMBLING)

- Come back to me.

- Mm-mm!

Please?

Do you think she's enjoying herself?

Yes, I do.

- A lot?

- Yes.

The queen...

(ALL GROANING)

HALF PINT:
I told you it wouldn't work.

BUTCHER:
That's right, I'm the only one

who knows what's going on...

...is nothing compared to you.

(LAUGHTER)

Snow White, you taste of strawberries.

(GIGGLES)

How did you do that?

(WHINNYING)

Could you imagine the prince being

married to the queen his entire life?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Wait. What are you talking about?

Married to the queen the rest of my life?

I don't even like the queen.

It's true.

You were under her spell.

You even yearned

for the nectar of her skin.

GRUB:
No, no, it was, "You don't understand."

ALL:
"I yearn for the nectar of her skin!"

Oh, that is bizarre.

Thank you for saving me.

I think also when we met I...

I may have called you children,

as well as other cruel names.

I was wrong. I apologize.

That's OK. You're not

the twit we thought you were either.

- Butcher!

- (CHATTERING)

Is he always like this?

- (RUMBLING)

- The beast!

(BEAST ROARING)

He never comes

to this side of the woods.

It's here for me.

Gentlemen, I can think of no greater

group of warriors to lead into battle...

- Yeah!

- ...but this is my fight.

What?

Did she just go out...

- Out the door.

- Snow!

- Snow!

- Snow, open the door. Open the door!

You know, all that time locked up

in the castle, I did a lot of reading.

I read so many stories where the prince

saves the princess in the end.

Open the door.

Open the door, Snow.

I think it's time

we change that ending.

No, you're messing

with tried-and-true storytelling.

It's been focus-grouped and it works.

Just let me save you.

Please, open the door!

Open the door, Snow!

It was the perfect first kiss.

Snow. Snow.

Snow! Snow! Open the...

Snow! Snow! Snow!

Open the door, Snow.

Back up! Back up! Back up!

- (GRUNTS)

- Yeah!

Yeah!

If you're looking for me,

I'm right here!

(HOWLING, FLAPPING)

(GASPING)

- (WEAK GRUNT)

- ALL:
Yeah.

Yeah.

(BEAST ROARS)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS) You?

- (BEAST HOWLS)

- What are you doing here?

Oh, Getting a breath of air,

clearing my head.

I don't know if you heard,

but my bridegroom was stolen.

- (GROWLING)

- (WHINNYING)

The beast doesn't frighten you?

He does whatever I want.

Did you want him

to slaughter my father?

(BEAST GROWLING)

Shh. Precious.

This one will be... easy.

I'm made of more than you think.

(LIGHT SCOFF)

- (SNARLING)

- (GASPING)

Die well, Snow White.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(PANTING)

(MUMBLES) Yeah.

(PANTING)

My compliments on your carpentry.

Wait, don't you have a key?

Idiot. Give me that!

Go!

I think I finally found

something worth fighting for.

(CHEERS) Yeah!

Why do we keep getting locked

in our own house?

Snow! Snow!

(GRUNTS)

(WINGS FLAPPING)

- (GRUNTING YELLS)

- Guys.

- (ALL GRUNTING)

- Guys.

Hey, guys!

You know we have a spare, right?

- Aah!

- Let him through!

- (EXCLAIMS)

- You!

What are you doing here?

I figured if I am going to die,

I might as well die with the one I love.

(WINGS FLAPPING)

- (ROCKS SCRAPING)

- (GASPING)

Go! Run!

(ROARING)

(BOTH PANTING)

- Dive!

- (ROARING)

(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS) Snow!

Snow!

- This way! This way!

- Guys!

- Should I lock up, guys?

- ALL:
No!

(BRANCHES CRACKLING)

- (BEAST SNARLS)

- (SHOUTS)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(SHOUTING)

(YELLS)

(LAUGHING)

- BUTCHER:
Right in the eye!

- CHUCK:
Take that!

Fight someone your own size!

- (RUMBLING IMPACT)

- (ALL GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

QUEEN:
A dark magic

invaded the land.

The kingdom fell into an icy despair.

And the queen realized

if she wanted to remain

the most beautiful in all the land,

Snow would have to do

what snow does best.

Snow would have to fall.

Wolf!

We've gotta give this to Snow...

Give it to Snow.

- (GRUNTS)

- (GROWLS)

- (SHOUTS)

- Give me that.

Here, Snow.

HALF PINT:
Snow!

Snow!

(GRUNTING) Snow!

(GENTLE MOAN)

Kill it!

(GASPS)

(ROARING)

Are you ready to discover

the price for using magic?

NAPOLEON:
Who's the guy with the crown?

Father?

Snow?

You're alive!

I can't believe you're alive!

I don't understand.

You're all grown up.

You've been under the queen's spell.

You were just a child.

I know. It's a long story.

And who are these young men?

A prince who risked his life

to save our kingdom...

...and... his most valiant soldiers.

(ALL GRUNTING)

That's very kind. Thank you.

But the princess is more than capable

of handling things on her own.

Nonetheless, for your bravery,

we shall be forever in your debt.

Tell me, how can I repay you?

- Gold!

- A feast.

- Ale?

- A girlfriend.

- (CHUCKLES)

- Highness,

there is but one thing I desire.

Among the privileges afforded a king...

...there is none greater

than the power...

...to join two people

together in matrimony.

Prince Alcott, you found this kingdom

caught in the clutches of greed and vanity...

...but you did not retreat.

You entered the fight.

We all owe you,

and your brave compatriots...

...a great debt of gratitude.

Snow White, my daughter...

...this kingdom was fortunate,

for in my absence,

you never stopped

believing in yourself,

and grew into the woman

I knew you would always become.

Despite impossible odds,

you faced the queen and defeated her,

forever ridding this land

of her wretched ways.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Therefore, by the power

vested in me by... well...

...by me...

- (CROWD CHUCKLES)

...I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Do I still have to say please?

(CHEERING)

Hear, hear!

- I always cry at weddings.

- Me, too.

Are you single?

Hey, you!

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- Snow!

Snow!

- Congratulations, Snow!

- Thank you so much.

- Congratulations, my dear.

- Oh, thank you, Magistrate.

It would warm my ancient heart

if you could accept this

modest gift on your wedding day.

That's very kind of you.

Just one bite...

...for good fortune.

To the fairest of them all.

Age before beauty.

It's important to know

when you've been beaten. Yes.

So it was Snow White's story, after all.

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