Miss March

Careful, Tucker.

The floor is hot lava. You can't touch

the ground, or you'll burn up.

We gotta get to Craig's room

to get the treasure before we burn up.

- What's the treasure?

- Craig just got a MichaelJordan rookie card.

It cost him, like, a hundred bucks.

Whoa.

Did you know that in

MichaelJordan's first year with the Bulls...

MichaelJordan had 138 rebounds?

Yeah. But you know who

the Bulls rebound leader is, though?

- Yeah. Scottie Pippen.

- Yeah.

- Where's the card?

- It's in the closet in a shoe box.

He's got the MichaelJordan rookie card

and a Hank Aaron card.

It's not in mint condition,

but it's a good card.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

- Your brother's got a playboy.

- No, he doesn't.

- What's a playboy?

- A magazine with naked ladies.

What? He doesn't have that.

Look. Dude, I think your brother

can go to jail for this.

Shut up. Don't open it.

Is that what girls look like?

They look so weird.

How do they pee?

It must come out of those.

Gross.

Oh, my God.

Look at that one.

- Tucker, you just stepped on hot lava. You're on fire.

- Whatever.

Oh, my God.

Look at the ass on that thing.

- Hello.

- What?

You could bounce a quarter off

that sweet turd-cutter.

Tucker, stop it.

That's Eleanore, our friend.

Her mom's my piano teacher.

Oh, man. I want her to

French-kiss my dick so bad.

Oh, my God.

Look at this.

Jenny's tits are the exact

same size as Miss November's.

- I don't care.

- This means that this is whatJenny looks like naked.

- That's amazing.

- That is amazing.

- Hi, Stacy.

- Drop dead.

- Hi, Sheila.

- Eat me, Tucker.

- Set the time and place.

- The two of you can eat sh*t and die.

Sheila!

Thank you. You know

she's friends with Cindi.

Now she's gonna tell her,

I'm gonna hear all about this. Good job.

Relax. Your girlfriend's gonna know

it wasn't you. She knows your deal.

Hey, Candace. Looking good.

Heard you went on the pill.

What the f*** did you just say to me?

Nothing. L-I didn't say anything.

Candace, uh, sorry.

I won't go out with you.

I just- I don't dig handicapped chicks.

I have epilepsy, you limp-dicked sh*t.

I'm not handicapped. It's a condition.

Tucker, if you so much as

make eye contact with me again...

my brother will kill you.

- He's a firefighter, and they're crazy.

- Okay, okay.

Deal. Deal. Deal.

Geez. What a b*tch.

- What was that?

- Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Man, why do you even do these sermons?

They don't even pay you.

Tucker, I have told you.

They're not sermons, they're seminars.

I do them because I believe in them, and

I think kids need to hear this message.

I wish my brother

had had a seminar like this.

Shh.!

And now I'd like to bring up

Eugene Bell and Cindi Whitehall...

a young couple who will be graduating

from our high school this year.

Let's give a nice, warm

Jefferson County Middle School welcome...

to Eugene and Cindi.

Come on!

Hey, gang.

We're here today to talk to you about one of

the most important decisions that you can make.

Now, I know at your age you guys

probably think all the older guys and gals...

are out there having sex.

But Cindi and I...

have been in a relationship

for two and a half years now...

and we've decided to

save ourselves for marriage.

That's right, Eugene.

We have a happy, healthy romance...

and we don't need intercourse

to prove that.

I'd like to tell you guys

a story right now if I can.

This is a true story that happened to

my older brother, Craig.

Craig was a nice, normal kid,

just like me or you.

Then one night, he and his

girlfriend of two years...

decided to go-

all the way.

It was Craig's first time having sex...

and he thought, hey, what's

the worst thing that could happen?

He thought they were sharing

something very special.

But what she was sharing

with him was syphilis.

He got syphilis.

Then she got pregnant, and

because she smoked cigarettes...

the baby came out a crackhead.

The once-happy couple soon broke up.

Craig had to drop out of high school

and work two jobs so he could keep up with...

the child support payments

and the medical bills.

But it didn't stop there.

One afternoon while my mother was babysitting

for Craig, the baby set the house on fire.

Because he was a crackhead.

My mother and little nephew

died in that blaze...

and the grief from that,

along with the advanced stages of syphilis...

which put an enormous amount

of pressure on Craig's frontal lobe...

drove him insane.

Today Eugene's brother

sits in a padded cell...

doing nothing but eating his own feces-

and regretting the one time...

that he had sex.

Whoa!

Here, buddy.

Lights, please.

This is a venereal disease.

- Hey.

- Hey. I'm in the tree.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Are your parents asleep?

- Yeah, they just went to bed.

Hey, so Tucker told me about this awesome

party this weekend after the dance.

I think we should totally go.

You want to go to a party

with Tucker after prom?

Yeah. I mean, that's-

that's what people do, right?

Eugene, did you think about

what we talked about?

Uh, yeah, you know, I did think about it.

But, like, I think I need a little bit more time

just to work everything out in my head...

like a month or just a couple of weeks...

'cause there's, like, a lot of factors.

Eugene, I love you. We've been going out

for two and a half years.

- I think we're ready.

- That's what Sandra said to Craig.

Oh, will you stop talking about

your crazy brother? That was a fluke.

My younger sister has sex all the time,

and neither of her babies are crackheads.

Cindi, I can't believe

what I'm hearing right now.

What about the seminar? What about

everything we said to those kids this afternoon?

I don't think that 15-year-old kids

should be having sex.

You have to wait until you find

that special someone.

But, Eugene, you are my special someone.

And if I'm not yours, then I think that we have

a whole other set of problems to worry about.

I'm gonna go to bed.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Cindi, wait.

I'll have sex with you on prom night.

You promise?

I promise I'll have sex

with you on prom night.

I love you, Eugene.

I love you, Cindi.

- Hello?

- Dude!

Five hours till you're chode deep.

Yes, I know that. Thank you.

Are you psyched? Are you psyched?

Yes, I'm very psyched.

- Did you shave your cock yet?

- What?

You gotta shave your cock.

It makes it look bigger.

Really? Wh- I'm not shaving my cock.

You have to. You gonna have shaved balls

and a hairy cock? That's gonna look weird.

I'm not shaving my balls either.

- Oh, my God.

- Tucker, I've got this, okay?

Eugene, no, you don't got this.

Look, man, I've already slept with 12 women.

That's punishable by stoning in some countries.

- That's great, Tucker.

- That is great.

And I've only been having sex

for two years. That's six women a year.

Do you know what that means?

That means in 10 years,

I'll have banged, like, 600 chicks.

Did you get the limo? I'm supposed

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