Miss March Page #2

to pick Cindi up in half an hour.

Horsedick. MPEG's got it.

He's picking you up.

- Who is Horsedick. MPEG?

- Oh, that's Phil, man. That's his M.C. Name.

- Phil's M.C. Name is Horsedick?

- Dot-MPEG.

Dot-MPEG. That is so ridiculous.

Dude, you are so white.

And what's with this attitude?

This is gonna be the best

night of your life.

Look, I'm not even sure I'm ready to be

doing this. Do you have any helpful advice?

Do you have any tips on how I can make this

a wonderful, romantic night for Cindi...

and everything she wants it to be?

Shave your cock.

Yeah.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Man, I ain't seen this motherf***er in,

like, four-11 years or some sh*t.

I didn't know they let people that

dropped out of high school go to prom.

You're stupid! You're stupid!

No, Crystal's still in high school.

I also didn't know

they let freshmen go to prom.

Well, they're gonna let us in there

when Horsedick. MPEG rolls up.

I'm about to sign me a record deal.

Horsedick's got a song on the Internet!

The Internet. Wow.

You know how many motherfuckers

use the Internet?

I know a lot do.

Half of them! I'm talkin' 'bout thousands

and thousands of motherfuckers, man.

And now my sh*t is up there.

Whoo.! We celebratin;

Um, hey, Horsedick?

- Dot-MPEG!

- Dot-MPEG.

Would you mind turning the music down just

a bit? We're almost to my girlfriend's house.

You can't turn Horsedick. MPEG down.

This is my sh*t. I made this.

Hi, Cindi. Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Whitehall.

That's some ride

you've got there, Eugene.

Thank you.

- So, there won't be any drinking going on tonight, will there?

- Dad.

No, sir. Not at all.

Let me get a picture of the two of you.

Oh, Horsedick, you are nasty!

Hey, Daddy.

Come on, get in the car, baby.!

Come here, motherf***er.

- Yeah!

- Spank it!

Whoo!

I'm sorry.

I'm sure this is not as romantic

as you probably envisioned the prom.

Hey, everybody!

Denise is so wasted,

she's blowing Brian in the den.

- I'm gonna go get the keys to the master bedroom.

- Okay.

Aaah!

Okay!

- Meet me upstairs in five minutes?

- Sure.

Sure.

Dude! Where's Cindi?

- Shouldn't you be banging her out by now?

- I'm about to bang her out.

- She just went upstairs.

- Yet you look like you're going to a funeral.

Tucker, I'm just

dealing with this in my own way.

"Dealing with this"?

You're not going upstairs to have surgery.

You're going upstairs

to have sex! With a girl!

And yeah, she may not be the most attractive

girl in school, but she's a solid, solid seven.

What? She's a seven?

Look, you've already decided to do this.

So you can go and trudge through it like

it's a chore and end up hurting her feelings...

or you can go enjoy yourself and have sex.

I know, I know.

Look, most guys end up losing their virginity

to some sort of stripper or one-night stand.

You're lucky enough to have it be with a

girl that you actually love, and loves you back.

You're right. You're right.

And that means she may let you do anal.

Thank you, Tucker. That was actually-

That was oddly helpful.

All right. I'm gonna do it.

- I'm gonna do it.

- Yeah!

- I'm gonna do it now.

- All right!

- I'm gonna have sex.

- Yes, you are.

- Oh, my God, I'm nervous.

- That, too, I can help you out with.

- A little whiskey always calms the nerves.

- Cheers!

You should probably have one more

since this is your first time...

'cause you'll explode

as soon as you get it in there.

- Gotta numb the senses.

- Really? That makes sense.

- Whoo!

- I am gonna do it.

Go for it, Eugene.

But one more for good luck.

Yeah. Good luck to me for having sex!

The next time you see me, I will be a man.

Go get 'em, Eugene-Wait!

That's not the hallway!

Eugene!

Whoa. Punked.

Okay, buddy, nowjust hold still.

I have an idea.

And... wake up.!

I knew it! I knew it would work.

- What the f*** is wrong with you, man?

- You're alive. Whoa!

What the f*** is going on?

- You probably can't move yet. You have atrophy.

- Why can't I move?

Why can't I move and hurt you?

Because you haven't used your body in,

like, four years. You gotta take it easy.

Tucker, what's happening? Why am I here?

You fell down the stairs after prom

and were in a coma for four years.

Then I saved your life,

because I'm a genius.

You! I told you no hit mister with the bat.

Juanita, I brought him back to life.

- I told you the bat trick would work.

- policia.! Policia.!

- What the f*** is going on?

- Eugene, don't do that. You'll overexert yourself.

Oh! You're pooping!

Your body is in

an extreme state of atrophy...

but you're in surprisingly good shape for

someone who's been in a coma for four years.

You've healed from all the damage

you received in your initial fall...

so all that you'll need to recover from

is from the effects of the coma itself.

What about my face?

Yes, well, your nose was broken

by the force of the baseball bat...

and the frontal palate of your skull has

some pretty bad fractures.

But we've set most of that.

You were hit pretty hard though.

But you'll find over time...

that your muscle strength will return,

as well as bowel control.

- Until then, it's best

to avoid strenuous situations.

That's why you pooped.

Yeah.

Yeah, you did. A lot.

Lots of poop.

Like, almost four years worth of poop.

Should call you Poopy Pants.

Mr. Poopy Pants.

Sorry. Anyway, I'll let you get some rest.

I'm sure you and your friend

have some catching up to do.

- Oh, and, Tucker, off the record-

- Yeah?

I like your style.

I can't believe

I've been here for four years.

Yeah. You gotta watch

where you're walking.

It doesn't feel like four years ago.

I feel like just five seconds ago

I was getting wasted with you...

and going upstairs to have sex.

Wait a minute. How come

just you're here? Where's Cindi?

- Where's my Dad?

- Oh, his job moved him down to Florida.

What? He left me in the hospital?

Well, dude, you were a vegetable.

Besides, he still has an apartment here.

- What about Cindi?

- Oh, I don't know where she is.

- Well, give me your cell phone.

- No, I don't know where she is. She moved after graduation.

- She left me too?

- You were a vegetable.

Then how come you're still here?

'Cause we're homeys, dude. Lock it up.

I can't believe she would

just leave me like that.

She was around for a little while...

but then she got into college and it really

didn't look like you were gonna wake up.

I mean, it took me four years

to figure out the bat trick.

I tried to look her up

about a year or so ago...

but she dropped out after freshman year,

and the trail goes cold.

Tucker, I appreciate you

being here. L- I really do.

But I think right now

I just need to be alone for a while.

Okay, man.

I'll check on you tomorrow.

Besides, I got a date with the old lady.

Wait. You have a girlfriend?

Well, I'm not the kind of guy...

that gets chained down to one woman...

but lately I've been banging Candace.

That crazy handicapped chick?

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