Miss March Page #3

Hey. Epilepsy, dude. It's a condition.

Plus, it's kind of hot.

She, like, vibrates.

Nice.

All right.

Okay, looking good. Looking good.

Bobby, you wanna sit up

real straight for me there?

- Sit up straight, sweetie.

- All right.

Everybody say, "Fuzzy pickles. "

Fuzzy pickles.

That was great. That was great.

I'm gonna try one more, and let me

work with Mommy for a second.

All right, let's see.

Let's brush some of this hair away

from Mommy's neck-

Bring out Mommy's pretty neck.

That's good. That's good. Okay.

Let's have a couple wisps

hang down here by the nape of the neck.

That's good. That looks great. There we go.

And here, position three-quarters

there like that. Okay? Like that.

That's good. That's good.

- Like that, and-

- Okay, okay.

- Okay, that's enough playful, pal.

- It's gonna be good.

All right, stay like that.

It's gonna be good. Okay, now

everybody say, "Mommy's a vision. "

Mommy's a vision.

Do not run away.

Hey, this is big-time stuff.

Mr. Biederman is extremely upset.

He brings his family in for a photo

and you turn that into soft-core pornography.

He's crazy. I think he does drugs.

Well, he said that you unbuttoned

his wife's shirt.

He said you handed her

your phone number as she was leaving.

- What the "H", bro? Come on!

- Some mail came for you.

Sweet. New playboy.

How many times have I told you not to

have that delivered here? About a million?

Why doesn't anybody

listen to me, ever? Jesus!

Oh, my God.

What?

Pack your bags, Eugene. I found her.

- No, no, no. You cannot be here.

- Juanita, vamonos.

- I found Cindi.

- What? Where?

Right there.

Mierda.

I can't believe Cindi would do this.

She's changed, man. She's all growed up.

The girl next door is now

one of The Girls Next Door.

Oh, my God. It says one ofher likes

is sex on the beach.

Calm down. That could just be the drink.

Tucker, do you think

that Cindi's still a virgin?

Let's see.

No, afraid not.

- Oh, my God.

- This is perfect.

How is this perfect?

This Saturday is playboy's

annual anniversary bash.

So?

So, this Saturday

all the Playmates, including Cindi...

are gonna be at the Playboy Mansion...

mingling with guests,

sipping slightly alcoholic beverages.

- Yeah, but, Tucker-

- Dude, this is meant to be.

What are the odds that this issue would

come out right now...

as you're getting out of your coma?

I guess.

This is true love speaking. True love doesn't

speak often, but it's speaking to us now.

It's telling us to go

to the Playboy Mansion.

Yeah, but, Tucker,

I can't even walk here, man.

- You're getting a little better every day, right?

- Yeah.

So the party's Saturday night. That means

we have to catch a plane Saturday morning.

It's Thursday today, so that gives us

three days to get you on your feet.

Think you can do it?

- I can try.

- Yes! That's the spirit!

We're going to the Playboy Mansion!

- Yeah! playboy.!

- Ow!

Mister, you have a telephone call from a Mr. Bell.

- Dad?

- Eugene?

- Hey, sport.

- Hey, Dad.

I can't tell you how glad I was when

they told me you came out of that coma.

- That's great. That's really great.

- Yeah.

Um, it's been weird here.

This actually works out great, 'cause I'm

gonna be up there in a few weeks on business.

In a few weeks?

That's right, buddy.

Oh, wait a minute.

I'm getting another call.

- You know what? It's Japan. I'm gonna have to take this.

- Okay.

Okay, but in a few weeks-

What?

Oh, sh*t. Is this still Eugene? Hold on.

Whoa.

Wow. This is the nicest place

you've ever taken me to, Tucker.

Yeah. They don't even have a drive-through.

Sir, may I help you?

Yeah, we'll take a plate

ofTater-Tots and... Jager?

- TwoJagers.

- Excellent choice, sir.

- Wanna get your picture taken with the waiter?

- Could I?

Come on, closer.

And-

- Awesome.

- Very good.

So, Tucker, I got you

an anniversary present.

I know. I'm sorry.

I know how you feel about that term,

but it was 13 months ago tonight that-

That we did each other for the first time.

Yes, that we did each other

for the first time.

This is just a little something

to say that it's been a great 13 months.

- Thank you.

- Cool! A card.

Is there a check?

No, there's no check.

It's an anniversary card.

You got me the Black Billiard.

This is just like the pipe

that Hugh Hefner used to smoke.

I know.

Candace, you're, like,

so totally the coolest girl in the world.

So, where are we going after this?

Don't you worry about it, babe.

I got it all planned out.

Tonight is gonna be awesome.

What was that? Who is that?

What the f***?

- Tucker?

- We gotta go, man. Get your stuff.

- What are you talking about? What's going on?

- We gotta go. Now, now, now.

- We're not leaving till Saturday.

- Plans change.

I'm not ready!

No. No! You can't be here! He's stealing the mister!

Tucker, what the f*** is going on?

We have to get out of town.

I'll explain in the car.

- Get out of town?

- There he is! That son of a b*tch!

- Detour, Eugene.

- Let me at him.!

You're a dead man,

Tucker Cleigh! A dead man!

- Mister!

- Tucker, what the hell is happening?

Ah! Jesus! Oww!

- There's a ramp right there!

- No time for the ramp.

Hey, hey, take it easy. Hey!

Oww!

Tucker, I can't even walk here.

If I take a sh*t in your car,

it's gonna be a pretty short trip.

Stop! You can't take the mister!

Policia! He's not ready.!

- Good-bye, Juanita.

I'll bring him back in one piece.

Pendejo.!

Okay, Tucker, what is going on?

What's wrong with your balls?

- I got to get rid of this cell phone. They can track it.

- What are you talking about?

What's going on? Slow down

and tell me what happened.

- I had a problem with Candace.

- Obviously.

What kind of problem?

Well, it was the 13-month anniversary...

of when Candace and I

first started boning.

- Okay.

- So I wanted to do something really nice and special.

So we got tanked at this really nice

restaurant and then ditched out on the check.

Then we poured some Maker's into a 3-liter of

Coke and did donuts in the Wendy's parking lot.

It was pretty sweet.

Everything was going great.

Then I went to give her her present.

Come into the living room.

I got you something.

Oh, Tucker, that's so sweet.

- What is it? What is it?

- Ta-da!

Apole?

A stripper pole.

A stripper pole?

Happy 13 months boning.

- Tucker.

- Come on, go do a dance.

Do a sexy strip dance or something.

I don't know.

Miss January of this year...

said that 90% of the reason

that relationships fall apart...

is because people don't

spice up the bedroom.

- We're in the living room.

- I know.

Huh? Come on, give it a spin.

Yeah, there you go.

Go on.

So anyway, then she kind of

started to get into it.

You look so awesome right now!

Then she started to, like, really

get into it. Man, it was awesome.

She was whipping her hair around,

sticking her butt up in the air.

Okay.

Then she started to go downtown,

if you know what I mean.

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