Miss March Page #4

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, that's awesome.

Man, it was great.

Perfect form, lots of tongue.

Hey, check it out. Strobe lights.

You're biting! You're biting! Candace?

You're biting, Candace!

You're biting! Candace!

You're biting me! Candace!

I don't know.

Candace must just hate strobe lights.

Tucker, that was probably the epilepsy.

Don't make jokes, man.

I didn't know what to do, so I panicked

and I grabbed a fork off the counter...

and I stabbed her in the face!

- Oh, my God!

- I know!

I didn't know what to do. I panicked.

- So you stabbed her?

- I thought she was gonna bite my dick clear off.

- Oh, my God!

- I know!

No wonder she looked so pissed off.

Okay, that's terrible, but why

do we have to get out of town like this?

- Oh, no! Her brother!

- You're gonna die tonight, Tucker Cleigh.

Her brother's a fireman.

Have you ever met one of them?

They're crazy.

- They must have put an A.P.B. Out on my plates.

- What?

Roll up your window! Roll up your window!

What's he gonna do now?

Tucker, do something!

Stupid firemen.

- Can't turn their trucks around.

- My God.

Okay, Tucker, have you put

any thought into this at all?

The Playboy Mansion is on the other side

of the country. That's a long way to drive.

Well, the country is,

like, 10 states wide.

Each state is roughly a hundred miles across,

so that's like a thousand miles.

We're moving at 60 miles an hour.

We should be there in, like, 600 minutes.

Okay, well, not one part of that

was correct, so let me ask you this.

Have you thought about how we're gonna

get into the mansion once we arrive?

- Dot-MPEG.

- Dot-MPEG.

- Did he change his lyrics?

- Yeah, this is the radio-friendly version.

Wait a minute. Horsedick's on the radio?

Yeah, man. He blew up.

He's like the biggest star on the planet.

They even play his song

during Monday Night Football.

I'm asleep for four years.

My dad moves out of town, my girlfriend's

in playboy, and your stupid friend is famous.

Yep. It's kind of like

when Han got unfrozen in Jedi.

Yeah, it's exactly like

when Han got unfrozen in Jedi.

Yo, what's up, everybody? You know who that was.

Horsedick. MpEG with the track

"I'm-a Love a White Girl';...

offhis multi-platinum CD Donkey Dong.

Wait a minute. If Horsedick's

the most famous person in the world...

then he could get into

the Playboy Mansion, right?

Oh, yeah. He could just walk right in.

We should totally get

Horsedick. MPEG to get us in!

He lives in Chicago. He's always

trying to get me to come up and visit.

He'd be totally down to fly us

out to L.A. And hook us up.

Good idea, Tucker.

Okay. Well, at least we have

a plan now- Horsedick.

That's our plan. Horsedick.

- Dot-MPEG.

- Dot-MPEG.

All points bulletin.

Be on the lookout for a Tucker Cleigh.

White male, six foot five.

No visible tattoos.

Last seen April 17.

I just can't believe

the firemen were that angry.

Dude, firemen

breathe noxious fumes all day.

It's their job. Makes them psycho.

I guess that makes sense.

Trust me, dude. Firemen are bad news.

Hey, Tucker, I don't really want

to go in there dressed like this.

Can you get me like a shirt, some pants,

and I think a hoodie would be good.

Sure, no sweat. Just fill her up for me.

Wh- No! Tucker!

I have atrophy!

Ridiculous.

Whoa.

Hugh.

Hey, this is Candace.

I can't come to the phone right now because

I'm out hunting down my piece-of-sh*t boyfriend.

Leave a message.

Uh, h-hi, Candace.

That's a-That's a pretty funny message.

Um, look...

I- I just wanted to call

and talk about what you did.

Um, I want you to know

that I'm not mad at you...

and I realize that you seemed...

a little...

cross.

And I may have overreacted

a little bit to you biting me.

But... you know how I am.

My brain just shuts down whenever

I feel like I'm close to getting some.

Anyway, I just-

I hope this doesn't get in the way of us

hooking up and hanging out and stuff-

Because I really like doing that.

I mean, not like we're

exclusive or anything.

By the way, did your answering machine

say "my boyfriend"?

Because-weird.

I mean, we've talked about that.

Um, anyway, I guess

I'm just trying to say...

I forgive you.

I just hope...

you're not gonna be a dick about this.

Okay, bye.

Well, I think I patched

things up with Candace.

Why is your dress all wet?

Give me my clothes.

Really?

That shirt's awesome, man.

I'm getting pretty tired.

- Do you want to get a motel or something?

- No, man, I'm wired.

I ate, like, 10 packets of those Horny Goat

Weed stamina things at the gas station.

You can get some shut-eye though.

All right, just wake me

if you need me, okay?

And, Tucker...

thank you for everything.

No problem, dude.

We're homeys. Lock it up.

Hey! Hey!

- Whoa! Sorry.

- A**hole.!

Just watch the road. Okay?

Will do.

Good night.

Hey, Eugene.

- Want to party?

- Cindi.

I got tired of waiting for you,

Eugene, so I went out and I blew everyone.

- No! Cindi!

- Why did you have to get drunk, Eugene?

- Why couldn't you just make love to me?

- No! I'm sorry!

You've turned me into a whore, Eugene.

This is a venereal disease, Eugene...

and I have thousands of them.

- No!

- I'm just like your brother, Eugene!

Just like your brother!

No!

What state are we in?

- Hey.! Tucker.!

- What?

Sorry about that.

I started drinking all this NyQuil because that

Horny Goat Weed was giving me the jitters.

There's clothes in this bag if you want them.

But I feel good to go now.

We don't need to stay here.

Tucker, you can't drive all night long

without sleep. It's not safe.

I got some sleep in the car. I'm serious.

We could go get our money back

from the motel, jump back in the car...

be in Chicago in a couple hours, and then

by this time tomorrow be at the mansion.

Tucker, it's 4:
00 in the morning.

The stupid f***ing mansion can wait.

The stupid what-ing mansion?

Oh, God.

That mansion is a historical

and cultural landmark...

where some of the greatest minds

have gathered to exchange ideas and-

And watch naked ladies

take baths together. Yes, I know.

Oh, my God. You don't know.

I need to give you a crash course

in sophistication and the playboy way.

You're gonna give me

a lesson in sophistication?

Yeah. I've had a subscription

to this magazine for, like, 13 years.

God, you're right, Tucker.

Teach me more about etiquette.

Okay.

Here, put this on.

Ow. I don't wanna.

Put it on.

This is a bathrobe. We'll probably be issued

one of these when we get to the mansion.

It's the western equivalent

of the Greek toga.

There's a stain on mine.

It signifies both power and leisure.

Say that with me-

power and leisure.

Say it. Power and leisure.

Power and leisure.

Good. Now, lesson two.

When you get to the mansion

and you see a pretty girl...

you can't just walk up to her

and ask her to have sex with you.

Okay.

You have to engage her in

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