Miss March Page #5

stimulating conversation first.

Find out who she is.

Ask her questions like

what is her favorite animal...

or what's her most embarrassing moment?

This is a pipe.

Smoking a pipe is the equivalent

of wearing a fine tuxedo.

Tucker!

- This usually never happens.

- Shut up, Tucker.

Uh-oh, dude, here come the firemen.

Uh-oh, dude, here come the firemen.

They know about Candace!

Come on. Get in.

- We must be three states away!

- Firemen talk, dude.

You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh!

How's that atrophy coming?

Are you still mad?

Hey, do you want to

get something to eat or anything?

Well, how much money do we have?

Because we just spent 75 bucks on a motel

room that we got to use for all of five minutes.

Let's see. I've got... seven dollars.

Do you have any money?

No, I don't have any money.

I don't have a bank account.

I've been in a coma since high school.

Okay. Seven bucks.

Seven bucks should be enough

to feed the both of us.

- Are you mad?

- Yes, I'm mad!

What kind of f***in' idiot goes on a

cross-country road trip with less than $100?

Well, to be fair, dude,

I had to buy you all those clothes...

and you're the one

that wanted to stay at the motel.

You had to buy clothes for me

because you kidnapped me...

and I wanted the motel

because you almost killed me!

But then wait! You burned down the motel

and almost killed me yet again.

And then you pissed off firemen

and almost got me killed yet another time!

- I think you're overreacting a little bit.

- I am not overreacting!

I am trying to reclaim my life here, Tucker,

and you're not taking this seriously.

This is all some dumb excuse

for you to go to the mansion...

so you can finally rub up on all those strippers

you've been dreaming about your whole life.

Rub up? Strippers?

We talked about this last night...

and I will not allow that sort of filth

or degrading speech...

in my car!

Oh, look! Horsedick.

- Speak.

- Just got a visual confirmation.

They've been spotted

in Chicago.

- You know, these lyrics don't even make any sense.

- What?

Shut up, Eugene.

This song is awesome.

I wish Candace were here.

She would love this song.

Tucker, if Candace were here right now,

she would try and kill you.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Respect.

Cut.! That's a wrap.

Great job, Horsedick. MPEG.

Hip-hop is back!

- You think they're gonna get the message though?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Yo, Horsedick.

- Yo, yo, yo.

You know these dudes, man?

Hell, yeah! Tucker Cleigh

from the down S.C.!

What up, brother?

- How you feel, man?

- Great, man. Thanks for letting us visit your shoot.

- Of course. Any time.

- You remember Eugene from prom?

- Oh, the Stairmaster. How you doin', man?

- Good.

I heard you was all

Regarding Henry and sh*t.

- Yeah, I was in a coma for a while.

- That's cool.

I see you've been doin' really well.

Congratulations.

Thanks, bro. Man, my last CD dropped,

motherfuckers got killed at the Tower Records.

- Motherfuckers got killed!

- Whoa. That's awesome.

Thank God. You know what I'm sayin'?

What brings y'all to Chicago?

- We just came to see you, dog.

- Okay.

Dude.

Oh, and we were wondering if you could

get us into the Playboy Mansion.

Wow, Horsedick. You're very generous with

your time and resources.

Anything for my bro, man.

Come on. Lock it up. Come on. Lock it up.

See? I told you Horsedick

would hook us up.

We're gonna have you back in Cindi's arms

in no time. Then you can finally have sex.

Finally have sex? You a virgin?

Do you mean to tell me

you have never been with a woman?

Never?

I was going to in high school,

but, uh, then I fell down the stairs.

Crystal! Janine!

Get your asses in here

and have sex with this man!

- Oh, no, Horsedick.

- Dot-MPEG.

Dot-MPEG, yes. That's not necessary.

I'm saving myself, uh,

for my girlfriend...

who's gonna be at the party...

so thank you, but I'm gonna wait.

- I'll have sex with those girls.

- Come hook my brother up.

I gotta take a sh*t.

- You okay with just Crystal?

- Yeah, that's cool.

Come on, baby.

You and me gonna have a long talk.

We gonna smoke this here,

and you gonna tell Uncle Horsedick...

exactly what the problem is.

Thank you again,

Horsedick. MPEG, but I don't smoke.

Look here, man.

This is a party bus.

There's only one rule on a party bus-

You got to party.

So you're either gonna f***

one of them girls, or you smoke this "J."

We out of toilet paper.!

I gotta warn you,

I'm a little drunk, so...

this could take two or three minutes.

I don't understand it. I mean, how much

can a person change in four years?

It's, like, I knew her.

You know, like, I really knew her.

Then you wake up,

and she's a completely different person.

This b*tch one time...

tore my heart out, man, for reals, yo.

- Oh, Horsedick.

- Dot-MPEG.

Dot-MPEG.

You know, I think

I'm startin' to feel high.

I don't even know where I am.

What was we talking about?

- You like this?

- Uh- Uh-huh.

You want this?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Then come and get it.

Goddamn.! Hey, Charlie.!

Control this motherfuckin'bus.!

Crazy-ass bus driver.

She said the most...

mean, hurtful things...

to people...

and they laughed at me.

And it was-

So that's why, you know, I'm a dog now.

Cut through b*tches like water.

No emotional attachment.

Ain't that right, Tuck?

- Huh? What?

- How was it back there, man?

Good. Real- Really good.

- I gotta go to bed.

- Ha! Ha-ha-ha!

He's tired! That's what I'm talkin' about!

When you give something to a b*tch...

they don't do nothin' but take.

That's why I don't give 'em

nothin'but the dick.

'Cause they can't take that away.

You'll see tomorrow at the mansion.

We'll run a train on, like,

seven, eight, nine, 11 of them honeys!

Ain't a Playmate there I ain't tagged yet.

Wait a minute. What?

All of them, dog.

Okay. Horsedick,

you couldn't have "hit" all of them.

- I mean, that's crazy.

- Miss January on my dick.

Miss February on my dick.

- Miss March?

- On my dick, dog!

Cindi Whitehall.

Have you had sex with her?

Man, I had that b*tch

screamin' like her house was on fire.

She was chompin' down on my dick

like it was a hot-dog eating contest...

and she was some little Asian dude.

What the f***?

Get the f*** back here, you pervert!

I hope you get V.D.

And your dick falls off!

Cindi would never sleep with you!

Oh, f***.

You all right, man?

She slept with him.

She slept with a shallow,

ignorant a**hole like that!

How could she do that?

I don't even know what I'm doing out here,

Tucker. She's gone!

She's not gone, man.

She just had sex with a guy.

She's still Cindi.

But we had something special.

You wouldn't understand, Tucker.

Come on, man.

We got a long way to walk.

Man, I wish Candace were here.

Really? Again?

She's trying to kill you.

Yeah. She has a car though.

We have 12 hours

to get across two states.

Hey!

People are a**holes.

Someone will stop.

Don't worry, dude. Things work out.

No, they don't. Things do not work out.

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