Miss March Page #6

I am living proof of that.

Are you boys looking for a ride?

Here is the deal.

I am Katja. This is my girlfriend, Vonka.

Your... girlfriend?

Yes. We're lesbians. Does that bother you?

No. No. No.

We're driving to Los Angeles,

but we are just so madly in love...

that we can't keep our hands

off each other.

We have to make out

and make love all the time.

- Oh.

- Oh.

So we need you boys

to drive the car to Los Angeles...

so we can get crazy in the backseat...

and make love and suck

and f*** each other the whole way.

Can you boys do that?

Yeah. Yeah. We-We can do that.

Katja.

Oh. Right there. Katja!

Whoa! Aah!

- Is there going to be a problem?

- No. No.

You almost make me bite Vonka's labia.

Oh, sweet God.

Thirty miles to Los Angeles.

We're almost there.

Is this going to happen

every five minutes?

No. No. I got it. I got it.

Ain't seen sh*t in here.

Speak.

One of our trucks saw them

heading into Los Angeles.

Los Angeles. Of course.

Yeah, but the trail goes cold after that.

No, it doesn't.

You tell your men I know

exactly where he's going.

Look, lesbians! Palm trees.

You know, lesbians,

I didn't want to say anything before...

but the car is really starting to smell.

So we have an hour till this thing starts.

You know where the mansion is?

Los Angeles, California, 90024.

What's up, boys and girls?

I'm Carrie Keagan...

and we're at playboy's

annual anniversary bash.

I heard Horsedick. MpEG

is actually in the mansion right now.

Wow. I can't believe we made it.

My God. We're 20 minutes late.

They've already started the party.

Look. I think right there

is where you sign in.

Oh, no. You have to be on that list.

Oh, man. We are way out of our league.

How the hell are we gonna get in here?

We need some sort of angle.

Oh, God!

Hey there, everybody.

We are here to party.

- Just here with our dates now.

- Yeah. Not bad, huh?

Pretty good. Hey, those

are our dates. Hey, lesbians!

- Those are our-

- Ow!

- Whoo!

- Wow. Ow! Ow!

That didn't work. Now what do we do?

Firemen!

It's a trap.

Wait a minute. What the hell's going on?

There's no fire here.

Sure there is. All right, men.

Keep your eyes peeled.

He's around here somewhere.

Cover the rear, gentlemen. Come on.!

Let's move.! Let's move, let's move.!

Go on, move, move!

Eugene.

- I think I have a plan.

- What?

- Follow me.

- No, Tucker. Wait!

I'm afraid.

Sorry about this, fellas.

We're just dumb firemen

trying to do our jobs.

All right, boys! Keep your eyes peeled

for that son of a b*tch Tucker Cleigh!

We have word he's at this party!

Uh-uh. You gotta go to

the back of the line, lady.

Yeah, have fun at the party. Let her in! Let her in.

Damn. B*tch is crazy.

Okay. First things first.

Gotta get rid of these outfits

and get poolside.

What? Tucker, you can't ditch your outfit.

What if the firemen see you?

I can't work like this. Firemen

never get laid. Everyone knows that.

- People hate firemen.

- What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go mingle.

There's three girls for every guy at this party.

Okay. Fine. Do me a favor and keep

your eyes peeled for Cindi, all right?

Okay. Good luck.

Hey, ladies.

I'm from South Carolina.

Hey, gorgeous.

So-What are your hobbies?

- My hobbies?

- Yeah. You know-

What are your turn-ons?

Sh*t. Where's my pepper spray?

Ugh.

Hey, girl of my dreams.

Ugh!

Hey! All right. MI LF.

- I'm 25.

- Really?

F*** off.

Sara Jean Underwood...

playmate of the Year, 2007?

- That's me.

- Oh, my God! It's such an honor to meet you!

- Aw. Why, thank you.

- I'm Tucker Cleigh.

And who is this little guy?

Oh, this is Puddles, and he's a rescue.

I got him from the pound last week.

Oh, no way.

I call the pound all the time.

- You do?

- Yeah. Last week even.

Some loser lost his jerk Labrador...

'cause I caught him going

through my trash looking for food.

And you sent this

"jerk Labrador" to the pound?

- Big time.

- That's horrible.

No. I know. I mean, what? Why?

Because they put dogs

to sleep at the pound.

They were gonna put Puddles here down

'cause he was sick and nobody would adopt him.

So I took him home with me and I've

slowly been nursing him back to health.

Whoa. That's so weird.

It is?

I mean, I just- I didn't realize

that human beings...

could nurse dogs.

I'm not literally nursing him.

Oh! I thought you meant with your-

I'm sorry. I was-

I was thinking about... your b*obs.

- I mean, because that sort of

stuff does happen nowadays...

especially with modern times.

And I've seen that

on the Internet a bunch.

You've seen a lot of that

on the Internet?

Yeah, I mean-

Some girls will even have s-

make love to dogs on the Internet.

Not that that's good at all,

'cause that's bad-

Unless you do that, and then,

whatever. I'm not judging.

I'm sorry, Tucker.

Who is it that you're here with again?

L- I'm sorry. I have such

a problem with rambling...

especially when I'm

meeting people like you.

I'm always blowing first impressions.

Can we just start over?

Give me another chance.

Can I get you a drink or anything?

That's sweet, Tucker, but I actually

have to take Puddles out to the lawn.

- He has to go to the bathroom pretty badly.

- I'll take him to the bathroom!

No, that's really not necessary.

I insist. It's the least I can do.

- please?

- Okay.

Okay, Tucker. You win.

You won't regret this,

Playmate of the Year, 2007!

Bring him right back!

Oh, my God.!

That is the cutest little dog I've ever seen.!

- Is it yours?

- Um-

- What is his name?

- I think it's, uh-

Oh, my God! Look at his little feet!

I love men with dogs.

- Really?

- Yeah.

My last boyfriend hated dogs.

Such an a**hole!

I mean, what kind of psycho doesn't like dogs?

And that's just when I knew

that he was not for me.

I mean, look at his little paws!

- Yeah, they're pretty small.

- I know, right?

Oh. Oh, uh-

Mmm. What?

- Nothing.

- I just want to talk to you all night.

Can you get me, like, another drink?

Wow! You're good!

This tastes like sh*t!

I mean, the other one

tasted different, you know.

- It tasted like- I don't know-

- Pee?

No! You're funny.

Okay. Here's the plan.

I'm gonna go use the little girls'room.

You're gonna go find me

some more of the good stuff.

And then we're gonna rendezvous

back here in, like, five minutes, okay?

And make sure you bring him!

Okay. Bye.

...cute T-shirt.

I'm, like, that's cool.

Whatever. Make a wish.

Then this little motherf***er...

hits me... and poops all over my bus.

Man, I hate poop.

I'm hopin' those little shits

do make it over here.

Gonna kill that little b*tch.

He's gonna suck my dick.

I'm-a just gonna hold

his little dead head right there.

That's what's up, man.

That's what's up.

Come on, Puddles. Come on.

Come on, Puddles. Come on.

What's the matter? Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Put it over that and go.

Puddles, go to the bathroom.

What's the matter?

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