Miss March Page #7

Maybe you're empty.

Um- No. Here we go. A little beer?

Little beer. Little bit of beer.

- Little bit of-

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.! Puddles.!

What the sh*t?

- Oh! Sorry.

- Hi. May I help you?

Um, no. No, thank you.

Actually, yeah. Have you seen

Cindi Whitehall around here?

Oh, my God. Are you a stalker?

- We have a 2-14!

- What? I'm not a stalker.

Oh, good. What are you drinkin'?

Nothing. Never mind.

So we're goin'at it

there in the driveway, and she's, like...

"Oh, my God, this is the best

sex I have ever had. "

And I'm, like,

"Everyone keeps telling me that. "

Isn't that weird?

Isn't-

The Grotto.

Um, excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for Cindi Whitehall.

- What you want with Cindi Whitehall?

- Oh, I'm her boyfriend.

- Or I was her boyfriend, but then

we got separated. - We got a 2-14.

No, no, no. I'm not a stalker.

Ow! I'm not a stalker!

I came across the country

just to see her!

Hey, I-

Cindi. Cindi!

No, Cindi! I'm her boyfriend

from high school!

- Eugene?

- We were sweethearts in high school!

- Cindi.!

- Eugene?

Oh.! Candace.!

Good to see you.

I was worried sick.

Uh, how are you?

Your face looks-

Comin' along.

By the way, sorry about that.

Did I ever tell you that,

'cause I'm not sure-

- You get back here, Tucker Cleigh!

- There he is! Everybody move!

Ow! Let me go! Ow!

- Ow!

- You're gonna sit your ass here till the police show up!

I need to talk to Cindi!

I'm not a stalker! I know her!

Quick! To the second floor!

Fan out.!

- Check on this floor.!

- Yes, sir.!

Come on, boys. He went that way.

Lesbians! Help me break this door down.

Where are the bedrooms?

Vonka and I thought of a new position,

and we need a bed against a wall.

There's bedrooms through this door!

And Jacuzzis too.

- There are?

- Jacuzzis?

- Yeah. But it's locked. You gotta help me.

- Step aside.

- Okay. Come on. Go, go, go, go, go!

- There he is.! Get him.!

Good idea, lesbians!

Lesbians! Lesbians!

What seems to be the problem, son?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I can't look. I can't look.

I can't look, I can't look.

- Oh! Oh! I can't- Oh, my God!

- Relax, son. What's your name?

Oh! Tucker Cleigh, sir.

And I am your biggest fan.

I try to apply your methods and principles

to every aspect of my life.

Oh, yeah? How's that workin'out for you?

- Good.! Great. Awesome.

- Well, that's great.

The party's outside. Have a good time.

Something wrong?

Well, yeah, actually.

Things haven't been going

so great for me lately.

I mean, I'm here at the playboy Mansion...

and-

I'm still striking out.

I don't get it.

Have a seat, son.

Eugene?

Cindi.

Oh, my God! I can't believe this!

- When did you wake up?

- About three days ago.

- How did you find me?

- It wasn't too hard.

- What does that mean?

- Where have you been?

What?

- Where have you been?

- I've been a couple of places.

- Been working.

- Working?

Working as what? A whore?

- Stop that! I know him.

- Ow!

Sorry, miss. It just really sticks in my craw

when people disrespect women.

What?

Eugene, how could you say

something like that?

- You left me!

- Eugene, I-

You left me in a hospital bed

when I needed you the most.

Eugene, you were in a coma for four years.

Yeah! I was in a coma, and you've been

running around doing God knows what.

- What are you talking about?

- You're doing pornography.

You're posing naked for everyone to see.

- Eugene.

- How many guys have you slept with, Cindi?

Ow! Ah.

Just imagine how you would feel, Cindi...

if you woke up one morning...

and everyone that you loved

had left you...

and your dad had bailed on you...

and the one person that you thought

would always be there for you...

is out flashing her tits to the world...

and blowing everyone she meets. Ow!

So, you-you have a girlfriend.

Yeah, and she's great.

She's the coolest chick I've ever met.

Most girls want to kill me

after two or three nights...

and it took her 13 whole months.

Then what's the problem?

Sounds like you found a great girl.

She is great. It's just-

I can't get settled down yet.

I have to hit a respectable quota.

Tucker, it's the quality,

not the quantity...

of the relationships that counts.

But you're dating seven women at once.

Here. Look at this.

Oh! Gross!

- That's Gertrude VonBrauer.

- What's wrong with her eye?

- It's dead.

- Aah!

Gertrude was my next door neighbor.

Our childhood friendship

blossomed into a romance by high school.

Hef, no!

Tucker, yes.

Gertrude VonBrauer

was the love of my life.

But she's, like...

the worst-looking person I have ever seen.

Give me back that photograph.

Gertrude died when she was 18 years old.

Oh, thank God.

Tucker, the point I'm trying to make...

is that when you find

that special someone in your life...

you have to hold on to them.

Now, I've known

quite a few women in my life...

and I've had a phenomenal sex life.

But I'd trade it all in

for just one more afternoon...

with this young 18-year-old girl

from Milford, Kentucky.

Who's busted.

Tucker, there's a bunny...

deep down inside each and every woman.

They're just not bunnies

you'd put in your magazine.

No, they're not.

But if you can see

the bunny in those girls...

then you're on to something, my friend.

I think I get it.

I was trying to turn my girlfriend

into a playboy bunny...

and that's why she had that seizure...

and I stabbed her in the face a bunch.

But if I just realized she was a bunny...

then none of these firemen

would be trying to kill me.

I gotta be honest with you.

I'm gonna call Security.

Okay, Mr. Hefner. Thanks for the talk.

No problem, son.

Look, I've said what I have to say.

There's nothing else to do.

Things will never be the same because I

am always gonna think...

about you with those guys.

I don't even know why I came here.

Closure, I think.

Eugene, everything I've done since

you fell down the stairs has been for you.

Oh, yeah, right. Posing naked in playboy

is really helping me out a lot.

Thanks for that.

Eugene, where do you think

the money came from?

- What money?

- The money for your hospital care.

Your dad didn't think

that you would ever wake up...

and he was gonna have you

moved to a class "D" hospice where they-

where they basically

just store you till you die.

I sent whatever money I could...

from part-time waitressing

during college...

but it never really amounted to much.

Then I started making

some real money modeling...

and had you moved

to a better treatment center.

Tucker never told you any of this?

No. He never did.

Okay. Hef s orders:

All stalkers out of the mansion.

Let me go!

Ow!

- Eugene!

- Tucker!

I met Hef. He talked to me.

I think I had a breakthrough.

- How could you, you son of a b*tch?

- What are you talking about?

You f***ing brought me all the way

out here to your stupid party...

- when you knew Cindi never left me.!

- Eugene!

Wait. She was at the hospital

the whole time?

Don't play dumb with me!

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