Miss March Page #8

She was paying for my medical bills.

How could you not know that?

Mister's girlfriend not pay all this money

for you to use this as a porno room.

The mister's girlfriend is on the phone.

You want to talk to her?

Go away, Juanita.

What an angel that young

Cindi Whitehall is...

for paying all this man's medical bills.

- I've never seen more devotion in all my years of medicine.

- Go!

Juanita, I'm trying to do something.

Do you comprende?

No!

You let me think Cindi had abandoned me!

But wait a minute. If Cindi was paying

your hospital bills this whole time...

then she obviously still loves you.

- You should be excited.

- Tucker Cleigh!

Candace!

And Candace's brother, Rick!

Put him down!

You are gonna die

for what you did to my sister.

- Yeah!

- Make it slow, Rick.

L-

There goes that

sissy-hitting motherf***er!

- Eugene. So we meet again, huh?

- Horsedick.

- Dot-MPEG! Dot-MPEG!

- Dot-MPEG.

I was just telling my friends here,

if I ever saw your pretty little face again...

I was gonna rip it off and f*** it.

- No.

- And I don't lie to my friends.

All right, men.

Let's do this fireman-style.

Yeah!

I shall now bathe my steel

in the blood of the offender.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait!

Before you kill me,

let me just say one thing.

Candace, I know you're mad, and you have

every right to do whatever you want to me.

But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

See, I was just hangin'out with Hef...

and I realized something-

You're my busted girl from Kentucky.

We both hate the same music

and like getting wasted and stuff.

And you like me despite all my faults.

So the least I can do is look past yours.

- My faults?

- Yeah. Candace, your face is a wreck.

- You stabbed me!

- That's one of my faults.

And you have this really stupid

hatred of strobe lights.

When you have epilepsy,

strobe lights trigger seizures.

See? That's stupid.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

The point I'm trying to make

is that none of that matters.

I like you anyway.

Look, I always hoped

when I met someone like you...

I'd already have this crazy,

impressive sexual history.

But now I realize that

none of that's important...

once you find someone that you truly love.

And when I'm with you...

none of the other chicks that I've nailed

in the past matter anyway.

Candace...

you're the last person

that I ever want to bang.

And if your weird brain thing makes you

bite my junk while you're blowing me...

then so be it.

I'll never stab you again.

I love you, Tucker Cleigh.

Goddamn it!

I need to talk to Cindi.

Well, that was real sweet.

How you gonna get out of this, Eugene?

You gonna tell me you love me?

Horsedick, you gotta let me go.

I need to talk to Cindi.

Why don't you write

a message for her on my dick...

and I will make sure she gets it.

You know what, phil?

That kind of thing would have bothered me

before- that you had sex with Cindi-

but not now, 'cause I had

a relationship with her.

She's not just some trophy.

She's the total package.

And a guy like you, Horsedick-

You wouldn't even know

what to do with a girl like that.

- I'll say he wouldn't.

- Cindi.

Cindi! Wh-What's up, baby?

How you doin'?

Horsedick wouldn't know what to do

with a blow-up doll.

- What? What is she talkin' about?

- Nothin'!

Hey, let's go back up

to the mansion, y'all.

There's a D.J. He's supposed

to be cold-blooded. Come on.

Horsedick doesn't have a dick.

B*tch! You promised.

- What?

- Horsedick wasn't born with genitalia.

He has to pee through a straw.

This b*tch has gone crazy.

Hey, everybody go

to the Horsedick. MPEG party bus!

- Come on! It's a party!

- Wait a minute.

- What about all those girls you banged?

- Yeah, dog.

What about all them girls?

You know what? I've never actually seen

Horsedick make it with a ho.

Why you wanna see that?

Never thought I'd say this-

F*** that! Let me see your penis, dog.

I ain't showin' you sh*t, man. All y'all-

What you doin'?

It ain't my fault.

My mama was on acne medication.

- Oh, man!

- Leave me alone!

Cindi. Cindi.

Cindi. Listen, I'm sorry.

And what happened in the past is the past.

What's important is right now. I wanna-

I wanna start over, if you'll have me.

- I just think that-

- Aw.

Okay.

Okay. I just have a question. Why didn't

you call me when I woke up in the hospital?

I call the hospital every Monday.

When did you wake up?

On, uh, Wednesday.

- And you just immediately ran off?

- Yeah, I guess.

Tucker's idea.

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

We've really gotta

get you some new friends.

No. This one's okay.

Let 'em in.

Let 'em in, damn it.

- Mmm.

- I'll see you later.

- Okay.

- Bye.

Bye. Bye.

- So, Candace, huh?

- Yeah. Isn't she the best?

She's somethin' else, all right.

So you guys are like-You're good now?

Yeah. Candace thinks that we

should try to get pregnant.

You know, really try to work things out.

That's a great idea, Tucker.

That is a great idea. How are we gonna fight

if there's always a baby around?

And I'm gonna see if Hef can hook me up

with an internship at the photo department.

- Hey, that's awesome.

- Yeah.

So, what about you and Cindi?

I don't know, but, uh,

I feel really good about it.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- You wanna know something crazy?

- You don't have a dick.

- No.

She's upstairs waiting for me right now.

- No!

- Yep.

- No!

- Yep.

Your first time is going to be

with a playboy Playmate...

at the Playboy Mansion?

- Yes.

- How do you feel?

Um, I feel ready. I feel ready.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

A toast.

- To new beginnings.

- To new beginnings. Well put.

Oh!

Whoo!

You're probably gonna wanna

have another one, so you'll last longer.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

All right, everybody,

I'm goin' upstairs...

to have sex...

with my girlfriend!

- Is it good?

- Oh, yeah, Eugene.

- Yeah?

- Mm-hmm.

That's good, 'cause

I'm tryin' really hard.

Oh, you're doing

a really good job, Eugene.

- Does it feel good?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Oh, no.

Eugene, be careful. Don't overexert yourself.

During my time in South Carolina...

I discovered a groundbreaking

and new experimental way...

of reinstating consciousness

to the comatose.

It has proven itself

to be quite effective.

Blue Team to I.C.U, please.

I swear I saw this work once.

You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh.

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