Mixed Nuts

1

I'm dreaming

Of a white Christmas

Just like the ones

I used to know

Where those treetops glisten

And children listen

To hear

Sleigh bells in the snow

The snow

But then I, I, I'm dreaming

Of a white Christmas

With every

Christmas card I write

May your days May

your days May your days

Be merry and bright

And may all

your Christmases be white

I, I, I, I'm dreaming

Of a white Christmas

Just like the ones

I used to know

Where the treetops glisten

And the children listen

To hear

Sleigh bells in the snow

I, I, I, I'm dreaming

Of a white Christmas

With every

Christmas card I write.

May those days May your

days May your days

Be merry and bright

Ooh, ooh, ooh

And may all

Your Christmases be white

Felix, come back here!

You don't deserve to be

the father of my child!

Come back here

with that Santa Claus suit!

You jerk! You ruined our tree!

That tree was

absolutely symmetrical!

It took us two hours to find it!

It was perfect!

Nothing's perfect, you cretins!

Stop yelling. You're gonna

send her into labor.

She's going into labor now! She is not!

She's only seven months pregnant!

All right, stop it!

It's Christmas!

It was an accident. Show a little Christmas spirit.

You owe us 40 bucks!

Touch me and I'll sue you

for a million dollars!

I'm sure Santa will repay you.

It was 50 bucks, okay?

We can't even afford to have our baby.

Now look what you did!

Mind your own business, Mister!

You drove him away!

This is my business. My

business is helping people.

Well, you know what?

Merry Christmas!

You have reached

the office of Lifesavers.

All lines are busy.

If you are truly on the verge of suicide and

calling from a touch-tone phone, press one.

If you are merely depressed,

stay on the line. A friendly

voice will be with you shortly.

What am I supposed to do? I

don't have a touch-tone phone.

Suppose I was on

the verge of suicide?

- Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.

- How may we help you?

I haven't slept for days.

I'm terrified of

the Seaside Strangler.

I know he's going to get me.

Do you fit the physical

description of his victims?

Are you a very attractive

woman with long, dark hair?

Not really.

Although, how long

do you think is "long"?

At least to your shoulders.

I can't stop worrying

about the planet.

And what is it about Janet

that is worrying you?

Not Janet, the planet.

Would you click your phone?

There's some static on the line.

You know, dear, just click

the little button like this.

Hmm!

We're not permitted to divulge the

personal details of our lives,

but I can assure you

I know what you're feeling.

Do you live alone too?

I live with my mother.

That's all I can say.

Catherine, you're not supposed

to tell them about yourself.

Oh, I could never live

with my mother.

That's something to remember.

No matter how bleak things are,

at least you don't live

with your mother.

Thank you for calling and don't hesitate

to call again. Merry Christmas.

May I click for you?

I don't think so,

Mrs. Munchnik.

That person wasn't suicidal,

only depressed.

But if he or she

had not spoken with you,

he or she might have become

suicidal, mightn't they?

And where do you

suppose Philip is?

I'm sure he'll be here shortly.

Playing around, probably.

That's very unfair. Philip

is completely true to Susan.

Men are not true to anything.

They will have sex with a tree.

If you look out the window, you'll see him

pulling up on his bicycle at any moment.

I could be having Christmas

Eve dinner right now

with all of my dead

husband's relatives.

I am not someone

with no place to go.

I'm sure you're not.

Merry Christmas. Lifesavers.

How may I help you?

Philip! Just the man

I'm looking for.

Merry Christmas. You're out.

You can't evict us.

Lifesavers has saved over 1,400 lives this year.

Doesn't that mean anything?

Plus, you are three months

behind in your rent.

We don't exactly

have a cash flow.

After you save someone's life,

you can't ask for money.

Doctors can. Aren't you some

sort of doctor, Philip?

No.

Tell me, in all of your calls,

has anybody impaled themselves?

No. Aw!

Stanley, how am I gonna tell the people

who work for me their jobs are over?

I don't know. Try "you're

fired." It works for me.

Does anyone ever drink glass?

We're broke.

The state has cut

back our funding.

No, they don't drink glass. Stanley, for

God sakes, what's the matter with you?

Oh, they must. They must what?

They must drink glass.

They must.

January 2. Out!

You don't care,

Stanley Tannenbaum.

You're one of the people

who doesn't care.

Of course not.

I'm the landlord.

Oh, Philip, a tree.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Are you all right? I'm fine!

Temper, temper.

I'm sorry. It's just that everything

that could go wrong, has gone wrong.

Not everything, Philip. At

least we're not being evicted.

And why haven't we been?

Where are the call sheets?

Everyone else in the building

has received a yellow eviction notice.

One hang up!

Dr. Gillespie has received

two yellow eviction notices.

One woman worried

about the Strangler.

One man about to slit

his wrists...

Because his nonprofit business is being

destroyed by a capitalist maniac!

If we do get evicted, I'm sure

Philip will think of something.

That's right. I'll

think of something.

When he was in the Peace Corps,

he built an entire

Peruvian village.

And solved all of their

soil erosion problems.

You could see the bright

side of a plague.

I'm on my way.

Not without your present!

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Munchnik.

A fruitcake?

Yes.

Remarkably, like the one

I gave you last year.

Thank you so much, Philip.

Oh, let me help you.

(I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

I'll be home.

Merry Christmas!

For Christmas.

Say hello to your dead husband's sister for me.

Thank you, I will.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Please have snow

And mistletoe

And presents on the tree

Help!

Help! Philip! Catherine!

It's Mrs. Munchnik!

Hello!

What are you doing with that?

It's my protection

against the Seaside Strangler.

Oh, give me that, honey. We

don't know anything about guns.

Oh, Felix, I could have

sold that Santa Claus suit

and bought our baby a car seat.

We don't even have a car. What was I supposed to wear?

You cut up all my clothes.

I was mad!

Honey, you were mad

the day we met.

A man on the boardwalk comes up to me

and says, "smile." A total stranger.

And you screamed at him,

"shut up!" remember?

I did, didn't I?

You were right to.

It was a total invasion

of your privacy.

It was.

Hey! Look what I got for you.

This means we can have the

baby in the hospital for free!

All we have to do is swear

we're completely broke

and have absolutely no way of

supporting ourselves and never will.

Oh, God! Felix, I don't want

to hurt your feelings, but...

You are the only person in my whole

life who's never hurt my feelings.

You're a loser. I can't have a loser

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