Mom and Dad

---

Somehow it seems

The love I need

Is always

The most destructive kind

Yesterday, when I was young

The taste of life was sweet

As rain upon my tongue

I'd teased at life

As if it were a foolish game

The way the evening breeze

May tease a candle flame

The thousand dreams

I dreamed

The splendid things

I planned

I always built to last

On weak and shifting sand

I lived by night

And shunned the naked light

Of day

And only now I see

How the time ran away

Yesterday, when I was young

So many lovers' songs

Were waiting to be sung

So many wild pleasures

Lay in store for me

And so much pain

My eyes refused to see

There are so many songs in me

That won't be sung

I feel a bitter taste of tears

Upon my tongue

The time has come

For me to pay for yesterday

It's not my fault

you make me think bad thoughts.

Oh, right.

You're so innocent.

I'm totally leading you

down a dark path of corruption.

You're right.

If I crash and burn

on my test today,

that's on you.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot

you have your PSATs today.

Are you ready?

How can I be ready

with you taking up

all my study time?

Ha-ha.

You're gonna do awesome.

Then maybe we can

celebrate tonight?

Can you get away

from the parental units?

I'll have

to make something up,

but you know

how creative I can be.

Mom says to get

your ass out of bed.

Jesus! Knock, please!

Oh, my God! I will kill you!

...several

reports of police staying

near the Walmart

on Grounds Mountain

and also near Cornell Street.

Witnesses tell us

the driver calmly exited

the vehicle

just moments before the impact

that police say

killed the child instantly.

And reports that the woman

was in fact the child's mother

could not be verified.

Good Lord, really?

Before breakfast?

Oh, sorry, Ms. Ryan.

See that, Josh?

Always do what Mom says.

No! No! No! No!

So not funny.

Awful.

Hey, uh, can I go to a movie

with Riley tonight?

- "With Riley."

- Shut up.

Since when does anyone

under 30 go to the movies?

Sweetheart,

you're not seeing that boy.

Well, he has a name,

and I know why you don't want me

to see him.

Yeah,

because he's a junior,

and you're a sophomore.

Listen, I used to be

a 17-year-old dude once,

- So I think I know...

- Dad, gross!

- Gross?

- Yeah.

Honey, your grandparents

are coming

- for dinner tonight, remember?

- Wh... Mom, really?

Really.

What? You haven't seen them

in months,

and they're not getting

any younger, you know,

so the "movie" can wait.

Awesome!

You and Grandma

passive-aggressive

bitching at each other,

and Grandpa telling

his disgusting Vietnam stories.

"Pulled it out

and killed the Charlie bastard

with his own pigsticker."

Carly! I am so sorry.

M gan yiu, Mrs. Ryan.

I'm the Chinese.

Chinese is not the Charlie.

Well, I'm already

on the rag anyway, and I...

I can't hear you!

Hashtag,

inappropriate talk before...

- "Hashtag"?

- Son, you take my advice.

Don't ever have kids.

Oh, oops!

...Mr. Ryan.

- It's too late.

- This is bullshit!

Okay, Carly,

that is enough, young lady!

So nothing about Jeannie yet?

No. No baby news yet.

Soon, soon, soon.

This is so weak.

I can already see

how this is gonna go down.

Aunt Jeannie's gonna

have her kid today,

out of all days,

and you're going to be

the no-show for dinner.

I...

You know, I want to trust you,

Carly. Really...

I do.

Your dad and I both do,

but you don't make it easy

on us when you shut us out.

Do you mind not Facebooking

when we're driving together?

It's really

the only time we have,

just the two of us.

"Facebooking."

You know what I mean.

Yeah, whatever.

You know, I really, really hate

when you say that.

Amazing. I mean,

everything just revolves

around you, doesn't it?

Doesn't everyone's world

revolve around themselves?

Who else

should it revolve around?

Well,

you're part of a family, Carly,

and that means

that you love each other

even when

you can't stand each other,

and that you give a sh*t

even when you don't really give

a sh*t.

Yeah, that makes

a lot of sense, Mom.

Take your Aunt Jeannie,

for instance.

I mean, you could have

a new cousin today.

That is a big deal.

And all you can think about is...

You know,

I don't even know

what you're thinking about,

because you don't tell me

anymore.

We used to be best friends,

remember?

Okay. Well, that's not the case

anymore, Mom.

I have other friends.

Right.

See, it's just, for me,

you and Josh are everything.

So you don't get

to just shut me out.

Okay, it's not fair.

God, it's not my fault

you have no life!

You know what?

You're right.

Whatever.

Stop it! Stop it!

- Had enough?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

No! No! Ow!

All right, Sun-Yi.

Thanks for everything.

We'll see you next week.

Bye, Lisa.

- Bye, Mr. Ryan.

- Okay, Mister.

I leave the dinner

in the fridge.

F*** you.

Yeah, okay, that's great.

Ten... it's not a guarantee

for you.

Yeah, yeah

Look a nigga in his eye

And tell him get to runnin'

All my niggas comin'...

What the hell?

All right,

let's have it.

Ain't your brother,

Ain't your cousin

Actin' like a dick

I know these pussies

Never...

You kids need to go to church.

Searchin' for the bread

And butter

F*** a hot b*tch,

I ain't lookin'...

Dude!

- I beg your pardon?

- I don't think

you can just use my phone.

Can you?

Owned.

You can have these back

at the end of the school day.

Shh.

You still hungry,

little man?

Want some more dinner?

I'm okay, Mom.

All right. It's okay.

Josh.

Joshua!

God, it smells

like something died in there.

How am I supposed

to get that out?

Great. Perfect excuse

to get rid of it.

That's awesome, Kendall.

Thank...

Go click, click

Make them girls go

Make them girls go

Click, click, you got it

Click, click, you got it

Yes, you want it

Yes, you want it

We are so over.

- I'm dying.

- Why do we do it?

Killing ourselves

to hold back Father Time

for what, a few more months?

Why do anything? I don't know.

Be healthy, I guess.

Be healthy, my ass.

It's not about being healthy.

It's about being hot,

and hot, skinny b*tch,

is in our rear-view mirror.

Speak for yourself.

I mean,

don't get me wrong.

Look at you.

You're amazing.

But that's not what

keeps your hubby

from chasing

after 17-year-olds.

It's state divorce law

that does that sh*t.

Yeah, if it weren't for that

juicy hunk of asada

in the front row,

I would not be keeping up

with this torture.

Okay, you know he could

sue you for sexual harassment

for shoving your business

in his face.

Are you kidding me?

He is making his way

through that class

like a stomach flu.

I'm just hoping

he gets to my row

before I have a massive coronary

and peace out, yo.

Your sister,

she's gonna pop one out, huh?

Yeah, good luck with that.

God, I need a real drink.

I saw Riley changing in front

of the mirror the other day,

and I started to hate her

a little.

She's my daughter.

I should be proud,

but all I could think was,

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