Money From Home

1

Well, sir,

the whole thing begins

in an exceedingly

large village,

which is called by name

as New York City.

It is a crazy year

and a crazy time

when a citizen name of Rockefeller

is handin' out dimes.

It is a time when gin comes in

bathtubs and cops come in pairs

due to the Volstead Act,

which is enforced somewhat.

And in certain communities

around the land,

violin students are

meetin' one another

unexpectedly on certain streets

and immediately commence to make

beautiful music at each other.

Like I said,

it is a crazy time,

what with this and that

and one thing and another.

Now it comes on a pleasant spring

morning that a tale begins to unfold.

This tale concerns

a somewhat gentleman

by the name of

Honey Talk Nelson,

who is a very dapper citizen,

usually found on or about the

premises of Mindy's Restaurant,

a well-known eatin' emporium

situated on the main stem.

Uh, this citizen

is not Mr. Nelson,

but these are

Honey Talk's friends,

all followers of the sport of

kings, and a noble breed of men,

providing you do not expect

too much of nobility.

They are deeply interested

in horse racing.

Philly the Weeper,

Milk Ear Willie,

The Society Kid, Lead-Pipe

Louie, No-Knees Nolan...

Sam... Sam?

Sam! So sue me!

Now, here is

Honey Talk Nelson, himself.

So called because he can honey

talk strangers out of anything,

especially money.

The guy with him is Fat Phil,

who is no stranger.

Stop the honey talk,

Honey Talk!

I am no stranger!

6 million people in New York

and everybody knows me.

Jimmy Walker better import

some new strangers.

Sam. Hmm?

I got a horse at Jamaica,

hotter than a base runner.

Lead-pipe positive.

Like money from home.

You want in?

Yeah, I'll... I'll pool

my dough with yours.

That's no pool,

that's a birdbath.

Look, Honey Talk, I am not partin'

with any of my workin' capital.

Sam.

I'll give you

one of my markers.

Markers?

The town is swimmin'

now in your markers.

You're the only citizen on this

street who has his IOU's printed.

What's the matter

with my IOU's?

Just feel the quality

of that paper.

Stop mooching from the

fraternity, Honey Talk.

Yeah. How come your

cousin doesn't stake you?

Cousin has to give him

what to eat now.

And if it wasn't

for that horse doctor,

he wouldn't even have

where to sleep.

What's the matter, you geniuses

never had a losing streak?

Everybody's entitled

to a losing streak,

but 126 days out of the money,

you're abusing the privilege.

Okay, the next time

you touts see me,

just line up and get paid off.

Then scratch yourselves

right out of my life,

'cause my luck

is changin' today.

I got that feeling right

in the seat of my pants.

Hey, Honey Talk, wait a minute!

Here's a double finnif.

That's all you can spare?

Well, now wait...

It's all right

for a start, Sam.

I'll give you a marker.

Okay, what's the name

of the horse?

Jumbo Schneider desires

to see you, Honey Talk.

Can't you see I'm busy?

Personally, I would advise

you to come with me.

What for?

Jumbo don't say what for.

If you get Jumbo sored up,

he might be inclined to trim

your toenails up to here.

Listen, Oscar, I

only know one thing,

the guy owes me

6,000 potatoes, see?

And I don't care

if he's a commissioner.

You tell him that

either he pays up

with Jumbo by

next Thursday noon,

or he is suddenly

taken fatally dead.

Tell my boys that my books don't

take no more bets from cops,

over $2,000.

Honey Talk Nelson, Jumbo.

You sent for him.

Gentlemen usually remove their

hats in a person's home.

Oh, sure, sure.

It's n-nice to know you,

Mr. Schneider.

It is not nice to know me.

I know me and believe me,

it is not nice to know me,

especially when

you're indebted to me.

I'm not indebted to you,

Mr. Schneider.

I only deal with your

books when I have cash.

It's a well-known fact

to one and all

that you don't care for IOU's.

Well, you talk good, Honey

Talk, but you talk wrong.

You see, because you are indebted

to me to the amount of...

Three thousand, four hundred

and fifty biscuits.

Three thousand, four hundred

and fifty biscuits.

Me? That's ridiculous!

I buy these up from the various

bookies you are in hock to

and they are glad

to settle with Jumbo

for 20 cents on the dollar,

which gives you a rough idea

what state your credit's in.

I'll make good

every dime, Jumbo.

I just had a run of black luck.

But my luck is changin' today.

I've got that feelin' right

in the seat of my pants

and when I get that feelin',

my luck changes.

Yeah. Well, kid, your

luck has changed already.

See, because all you gotta

do to get square with Jumbo

is to do Jumbo one little

favor, that's all.

Anything you say, Jumbo.

Anything, long as it's legal.

Legal, schmegal, you either

do it or you wind up

in a concrete

kimono sucking mud

from the bottom

of the Hudson River.

Oh. What's the favor?

Well, there is a horse runnin'

in the Gold Vase Steeplechase

at Tarrytown, Maryland, next week,

by the name of Sweep Forward,

and I would like that Sweep

Forward should win, that's all.

But there's a horse in that

race by the name of My Sheba

that's the odds on favorite

to win the race.

Yeah, yeah,

so you're a smart guy,

so you figure out

that if My Sheba don't run,

then Sweep Forward

has to breeze home.

That's not my line of work.

Why do you pick on me?

Because My Sheba is owned

by a very pretty doll

by the name of

Miss Phyllis Leigh,

and that is your line of work.

How do you figure that?

Do you honestly think that a

very pretty doll could go

for the Seldom Seen Kid,

or Short Boy,

or Russian Henry,

or The Big Midget?

They look kind of cute to me.

Well, you ain't

no very pretty doll.

You're just a guy in hock.

Well, what can I do to keep the

doll's horse out of the race?

I'm no fixer.

Well, there are two things

you can do, Honey Talk.

The, uh, first thing is you can honey

talk the girl into scratching the entry.

Oh, have a heart, Jumbo.

Second thing is.

I, uh, hear that you've got a

cousin which is a horse doctor.

Virgil? I can't get him

to fix a horse.

Well, I suggest

you use both methods,

number one and number two,

for, uh, safety's sake.

Safety?

Yeah, your safety. Hmm.

Here are your tickets

for Maryland.

The Seldom Seen Kid'll

give you the details.

And do like you're told

because otherwise

you will wind up

payin' rent in a cemetery.

Okay, Jumbo.

Pack a bag for

the Seldom Seen Kid.

Just to play it

for a sure thing,

I think I want him in Maryland

to keep an eye on Honey Talk

and his horse doctor cousin.

Take two.

Blow! Come on!

Hey! What's up?

What's goin' on?

Motherhood must be served, sir.

Come on, sweetheart. Come on.

Cross over.

Good doggie.

Come on, hurry up, hurry up!

That's a good girl.

Oh, for the love of Lil!

I'm in a hurry and this yokel

stops me to let a dog go by!

I beg your pardon, sir, but that

dog happens to be a mother.

Supposing that was your

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