Monkey Shines Page #2

(sirens wail)

- Tofranil. Same dosage?

- No.

Four times a day for the first two days,

twice a day after that.

So... What are your plans?

No plans.

I was going to fly home back to Illinois

next week, but...

I can't go now, not now.

- What if Allan?

- Tries this again?

You're not going to prevent it

by being here. Look at today.

I know it might be difficult

to understand,

but you might actually be aggravating

the situation.

- Aggravating?

- Go home, Dorothy. Go back to Illinois.

Go back to your business.

You'll make it easier on yourself

and on Allan.

He'll be fine.

Clinical depression syndrome.

Tryptizol I had him on was too weak.

I'm switching him to Tofranil.

Allan Mann.

This isn't unusual. Six out of ten

quadriplegics attempt suicide.

And you pump them full of Tofranil.

Have you seen Wiseman?

He's right over there.

- Geoffrey?

- It's Allan. He tried to kill himself.

Wait. You didn't know?

- Then what are you doing here?

- She came to pick me up.

Well, I'll be damned.

How do we diagnose this one, Wiseman?

Clinical a**hole syndrome? Clinical rat?

Clinical snake in the grass?

- Come on, Geoffrey...

- And you? You clinical c*nt.

OK, Scooter. Come on now. Drink. Drink.

OK. Put your baby to bed. Drink.

No, not for baby. Drink for me.

Good girl. Open.

Change. Good girl.

Good girl. Change. Open.

Open. Good girl. Straw.

Good girl! Good girl.

- (car horn)

- Hey, company's here.

Let's go. Cage. Good girl.

Yeah. Get in the cage. Come on, honey.

Get in the cage. Come on. Cage.

Yes. Yes. Good girl!

- Hi. I'm Melanie.

- Hi. Geoffrey Fisher. Nice to meet you.

- What a fabulous place you have here.

- Thanks. I'm lucky to have it.

- You wanna come in or stay out here?

- I'll stay out.

Although my system may go into shock -

all it ever gets is fluorescent light.

So you train monkeys?

Exclusively for quadriplegics?

There's no time for anything else -

the programme's so popular.

As I told you on the phone, I have a friend

who would be a terrific candidate for this.

There are a lot of candidates. All

my monkeys are already assigned homes.

How about if I were to donate a monkey?

One from the lab at the college?

Has to be a female.

Males are too unsanitary.

They go around peeing

to mark their territory.

I know. I've had my share of drenchings.

It's all right. This one is a female.

Well, I suppose if you're willing to supply

the animal, it comes down to my time.

- I could pay you. I don't have much...

- No. I draw a salary from a grant.

It's just squeezing them in.

Starting a monkey from scratch

is a long process.

This monkey's pretty well conditioned.

She's very bright.

She's already been through

a lot of behavioural training.

It sounds too good to be true.

She's normal? She hasn't been exposed

to anything weird in the lab?

No. She gets a med check every day.

She's 100%.

(doorbell)

Hey, Ace. I set you up with a blind date.

I hope you don't think

she's too much of a gorilla.

My God! Get away from her, you little!

I'm Melanie Parker. You're Allan? Of

course - you're the only one sitting down.

What the hell is going on here?

She's all yours, Ace. A present.

You serious? You're giving me a monkey?

- How am I supposed to take care of her?

- It's gonna take care of you.

Wait till you see what she can do.

Melanie's been training her.

Here we go. Look at this. Oh...

- Good girl.

- Thank you.

She's looking for her reward.

I'll attach a gizmo to your chair

for dispensing these.

- What's her name?

- Number six.

That's a sh*t name.

She's a capuchin - Cebus Apella.

I've been calling her Ella.

Ella, huh? It's a little better.

- Hi. I'm Melanie. You're Allan's nurse?

- God has given me that burden, yes.

Could you give me a hand?

I got a truck load out here.

Listen. I kinda smuggled her

out of the lab.

Officially, she's dead,

but nobody knows that - not even Melanie.

So if you could keep that quiet,

I'd appreciate it.

Hey, Ella.

I'd love to play with you. Unfortunately,

I can't, but I sure would love to.

- So what do you think?

- I think it's gonna be great.

(d "Ain't We Got Fun" by Peggy Lee)

d Don't we have fun?

d Tax collectors getting closer

- She turned it on all by herself.

- Got good taste.

She loaded the tape and turned it on.

Look at her, Maryanne. Isn't she a riot?

- Is that animal house-broken?

- Pretty much.

She'll use her cage or the toilet,

which she can flush,

but you'll probably

step in something once in a while.

That's one thing

I don't have to worry about.

A cripple joke!

He made a cripple joke. He's cured!

(d "That's the Glory of Love"

by Peggy Lee)

It's all right. Don't get up.

Nice model. White walls and a tape deck

and you could go cruising.

This baby's gonna make my job easy.

Hey. Get away from there.

- Does this bother you?

- No.

- Would you rather lie down while I work?

- I'm fine.

I'm gonna be knocking on you for a while.

- Oh, help.

- All right. A little rough?

- Kind of rough.

- OK. We'll try and work on that. Fetch.

- We're gonna do it really easy.

- That's better.

Yeah. That's me. OK. All right...

- The laser dot is the signal for Ella.

- To do what?

Whatever your heart desires.

She's your slave. Let's give it a try.

Try and direct the laser to the stick.

OK. You got it. Good.

- Bring it up.

- My mouth.

Mouth. Mouth. Good girl.

- Give her a treat. One puff.

- One puff. I know.

Yeah. Good girl.

Ella. Open the box.

Change. Change, Ella.

Good girl. OK.

Click left, puff once.

Now if you lose power, you got lights.

Thanks, Ella. Lunch is ready.

I would love some real eats.

Nachos with melted cheese, perhaps,

Chinese take-out, a Big Mac -

anything's better than the mush

I get from Nurse Ratched.

What's your all-time favourite?

All-time favourite? Pasta.

Linguine with clam sauce

And a mega dose of garlic.

- Maybe I'll make it for you some time.

- Promise?

Let's not call it a promise.

If I get the chance, I'll make it.

You don't like making promises.

- (squeaking)

- What?

Ella, fetch.

Atta girl. I know it's heavy. You can do it.

Come on. Stretch for it. Make it burn.

If I'm gonna suffer this sh*t,

you have to suffer with me.

Worse than having an infant.

Way to go, Ella! Double reward.

No, triple reward. That was a biggie.

Maryanne, I asked you

to keep this container loaded.

Rewards for that little pest.

When do I get my reward?

When you die, you'll go to heaven.

I could do us all a favour

and fill it with rat poison.

Where are the damn things?

I'll be.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get some work done.

Ella.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Put the lights on, give me my stick.

I can hardly see you.

Come on. Get out of the way.

What do you want?

I'm gonna do it, darlin'.

I'm gonna go back to school.

Put my mind to it,

I oughta be able to tear up the track.

What? Don't you

want to go to school with me?

Ah, I know.

Ow! Hey. You don't like the beard?

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