Monumental Page #3

- Yeah Greg, we slew the

dragons, all of them.

Dragons are dead as sh*t.

- Oh friend, I knew

you weren't a demon.

I'm so happy right now.

You see that?

All the colors have come back.

Oh, this is gonna be

an amazing evening.

- Might wanna keep this on you.

How long does this

stuff take to wear off?

- How the

f*** should I know?

'Cause I done a couple

drugs in my day?

I've obviously never done

what f***ing chiquita banana

is on over there.

- Oh, it's gonna be

an amazing evening.

You miss me too?

When is she coming back?

I miss her, Steve.

Oh my god, why?

- I can't, I can't.

- Look, Greg.

- I miss her, Steve,

i miss her so much.

- I'll be right back.

- Steve.

- It's okay, it's okay.

- Don't leave me.

- It's okay, it's okay.

- Oh my god, that's

f***ing right.

New York pizza's the best, man.

I would cut off your left arm

to be able to eat

this every night.

- Yeah, thanks buddy.

It's really good but we

were starving so it's like

being stoned, everything's

better when you're stoned.

- Don't try to get

scientific with me.

Hey hey hey like being stoned.

Oh my god, I'm in

love, give me another.

- Dude, you're a pig,

it's your fourth one.

We're on a tight budget, man.

- Like I said.

I'll sing the entire f***ing

song in this restaurant

unless you get me more pizza.

- Go ahead, make

an ass of yourself.

- You know that's

what I'm best at.

- I'm used to it.

- Really?

You ready for this?

- Sorry.

I'm warning you.

- Ladies and gentlemen.

- I'm serious.

- No, well, you f***ed

yourself on this one.

- Just another day.

thank you New York City!

- Woo, sing it!

- Thank you, thank

you very much.

- You're a madman.

- Yeah, I am, luckily,

somebody here likes crazy.

Wah wah.

- Oh, here we go.

- Yeah, it's on.

- Clayne.

- Nope, too late.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

How are we this evening?

- Hello there.

- Hello, how was

the show, did you enjoy it?

- Never seen one

like that before.

- Well, that's what

i was looking for,

you know what I mean, and

i know this is awkward

but tickets are $10, you

can either pay me directly,

can buy me and my handsome

gentleman friend over there

some drinks down the

street, or you can just

stuff it right

down my waistband.

- Dinner and a strip show.

- I aim to please, ladies.

You know what I mean?

So, you guys decide

your method of payment

and we can retire

to a bar or my rv.

Oh god, I sound like a f***ing

serial killer, don't I?

- A little bit.

- Little too strong?

- Little bit, yeah.

- I didn't mean rv, I meant

ritz Carlton on wheels,

which is more appropriate.

- Oh wow, I never heard of

that before in New York.

- Yeah well I mean

it's this new thing,

I think Donald trump started

it, it's really high class.

- Where you from?

- Washington state.

- Oh nice.

- You know what I mean?

Whoa!

Baby hawk doesn't

like being touched,

you gotta warm up

to baby hawk, okay?

- You look crazy, you know?

- Whoa.

- A little crazy,

I'm a lot crazy.

- I can't touch it?

- Oh, you can touch

it all you want.

- Oh there you go.

- There you go,

you just gotta ask.

- Feels good, feels good.

- It does feel good.

Lots of people should touch it.

So, I guess that's all

we need to say, isn't it?

Meet you girls out front

about five minutes?

- How cocky.

- Sounds good.

Baby hawk doesn't

know any better,

he just does what he does.

- Baby hawk, hmm.

- I don't know, sometimes

it's too easy, buddy.

Got a gift.

- What, what's happening?

- Well I'm pretty sure

we're gonna hang out

with those girls, have a few

drinks, maybe do a little

dancing, I don't know.

- Seriously man?

It's late.

- Alright dude, what's

the f***ing problem?

- First of all you're

supposed to stay sober.

Second of all I'm married,

i know it's not a big deal

to you but technically,

so are you man.

- Technically we're separated

and I live in my f***ing rv.

And is that really how

you wanna come at me?

Okay, Lisa doesn't

want to be with me,

what the f*** am I supposed

to do, sit at home and cry?

Why wouldn't I hang out

with these beautiful women?

- Exactly why she doesn't

want to be with you, man.

Look, I didn't mean

it that way, alright?

I'm just looking out for

you, you need to chill out.

Just call it a night, man.

It's been a long ride already.

- Look, I know where you're

coming from and I appreciate it.

But I'm a grown ass man and

i don't need you lecturing me

and I don't need someone

looking out for me.

- I got it.

- Yeah, so if I wanna go

have some drinks with some

beautiful women and

enjoy New York City,

I'm gonna do that.

Okay?

But I'm not doing it alone, i

need you there with me, man,

that's the reason for this trip.

F***ing let loose for one

night, man, do some harmless

flirting, have one drink.

Nothing shady, man, this

is all innocent stuff.

Just come out with

me for one beer.

Please.

There he is.

- One beer.

Seriously, one beer.

- One beer.

- hey, I bought all

my shirts at baby gap.

She doesn't believe I got

a live beaver in there.

- Oh, live beaver.

- We got a unfinished game

of pokemon we gotta settle up

so if y'all could give

us a little space.

- Dude, it's cold out man.

- Okay, well good luck

getting into the room.

- Yeah, we got a room.

It's right over here.

- Sit your ass down

there, I wanna see those,

get that shirt off.

- You take that shirt off.

- I'm not scared, come on!

- Come on,

you first, do it!

- Go, alright, get it off!

Oh, you're about to get it.

- Oh yeah.

- Yeah?

- Come on daddy.

- So.

- So.

That's funny.

Sorry about clayne, you

know, he can be a handful.

- Oh, no, so can Jess.

But it doesn't mean that

we can't have a little bit

more fun.

- What do you mean?

- I was thinking maybe

we could be a little more

adventurous.

- Like what?

What do you have in mind?

You look happy.

What is that, weed?

Wow, already packed.

Guess that's how you

do it in New York, huh?

- Come on.

You don't break

the rules, at all?

Just this once?

Come on, you are on a road trip.

- Yeah.

- Take the edge off.

- For old time's sake.

- Cheers.

- Oh f***!

That's good.

That's good.

That's f***ing good.

Oh god yeah you could win

some f***ing awards for that.

- You should come

and sit over here.

I like to smoke and cuddle.

- I don't know, I'm

already breaking one rule,

I don't wanna.

- Come on, come sit over here.

- That ain't happening.

- Okay, I'm gonna

come over there then.

- Okay, wow.

That's one way to do it.

Uh oh.

Getting cozy?

- Mm hmm.

Why don't you take

this, is this flannel?

Why don't you take

this flannel off?

- What, you don't

like the flannel?

- It's very nirvana.

- Good.

- Why are you so nervous?

- I don't know.

- Don't be.

You know, we're two

adults, conversing.

- Yeah.

- And relaxing.

- Stoned in a bed

in a hotel room.

- Steve.

You're a nice guy.

Your mother is looking

down at you smiling.

- I hope not at this moment.

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