Motherhood

[Snoring]

[Sighs]

[Police sirens sound

in the distance]

[Car alarm goes off

in the distance]

[ Dog barking ]

[ Lucas' light breathing ]

[ Honking ]

[Alarm clock rings ]

[ "Skip to my Lou" plays ]

[ Cat meows ]

Huh! Hello, Lady.

Edith? You okay in there?

EDITH:

Yes, dear, I'm fine.

Do you need anything

from the store?

Hurry up, guys.

ELIZA:
Clara!

You're going to be late for school!

[ Lucas giggles ]

EDITH:

Orange juice, perhaps.

Does Lady need food?

EDITH:

I don't know.

Okay, well,

I'm closing the door now, Edith.

It's not safe to leave it open.

[ To herself]

'Cause I live in a firetrap.

Come on.

It's not a firetrap.

That's a treasure trove.

ELIZA:
If stacks of stuff dated from

the '50s count as a treasure trove.

AVERY:
Oh, they do.

ELIZA:
Avery, you're gonna have

to move the car today, remember?

AVERY:
Right.

ELIZA:
You sit in it with Lucas

and hold our spot...

-...and I'll walk Clara over.

-AVERY:
Right.

Okay!

Oh.... Come on, sweetie.

Careful, guys.

CLARA:
Careful, guys.

[ Traffic noise ]

ELIZA:
Didn't I just clean this out

last week?

Hey, check it out.

Look at those books!

Think we can get them

before mom notices?

No, Avery, please.

Put your family's best interest first.

Think of the common good.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

LUCAS:

That's exactly what I'm doing.

AVERY:

Okay, in the car we go.

Can I have some?

[ Children giggle ]

[ Sandrine says something

in French ]

[ Sandrine greets them in French ]

I wish I was French, too.

It's my birthday tomorrow.

I'm gonna be six!

And I'm having my party

up there tonight!

Really?

In your apartment.

ISABELLA:
For my sixth birthday,

we had a private marionette show.

I'm gonna have 10 friends!

My seventh

was at the Swedish Cottage.

First, my mom said I could

only have six friends

because I'm gonna be six.

Then, Serendipity 3

delivered frozen hot chocolate.

But then, my dad talked her

into letting me have 10.

Afterwards, my friends and l

got carriage rides

in Central Park at sunset.

I'm gonna have a triple layer cake,

with purple frosting.

And I'm gonna have

really cool goodie bags,

right, Mom?

AVERY:

Not the goodie bags again.

SANDRINE:

Eliza, you are brave.

Really? How so?

Just to live as you do, you know?

The stairs, the children,

the car, the dog.

It's a bit exhausting, no?

Is that your definition of "brave"?

Eliza, could you give me a hand

with this buckle?

Um, Mom, you forgot my backpack,

and I definitely need it

before choice time.

Okay.

SANDRINE:

Eliza, are you--?

Are you wearing your nightgown?

[ Music plays ]

ELIZA:

Has it really come to this?

That I, Eliza K, Welch,

find myself humiliated

in my nightgown

in front of my neighbor's

townhouse?

My husband has run Clara

around the corner to P.S. 3,

and I have exactly

nine minutes to write,

How can a mother

articulate her ideas

with anything approaching

wit or conviction

in such ridiculously

tiny wedges of time?

[ New message alert ]

ELIZA:

Oh, it's ZachsMommy again,

"Quit complaining, SanctaMommy!

No one has any time,

Save your quest for self-expression

until the kids go off to college,

[ Scoffs ]

Must a woman's soul

wither and die

simply because she opted

to become a mother?

I want to finish the laundry

and a complex sentence,

to think tantalizingly

deep thoughts

and throw a magical birthday party

for my daughter,

Is that truly too much to ask?

ELIZA:

Tomorrow, Clara turns six,

She's more than half way

to double digits,

She'll be going to college

in 12 years,

That used to seem

like a long time,

Now I can blink,

and it'd be over,

ELIZA:
"Speak your mind and become

our resident Mom-ologist

with your very own column,

worth up to 3,000 dollars a month!

Runners-up receive

either 1,000 dollars

or an all-expense paid trip

to this year's Mamapalooza,

the festival for moms who rock, "

You've gotta be kidding me,

"Just send us 500 words telling us

what motherhood means to you, "

Oh, my God!

It's perfect!

Oh, no,

[ Groans ]

TOUR GUlDE:

Folks, coming up,

we're going to see the historic former

home of Edna St. Vincent Millay.

But first,

get those cameras ready....

ELIZA:
Excuse me.

This is a neighborhood, people,

not a theme park.

"Get her picture! Get her --!

"Here's the corner we all know

and love from Friends."

Though, whenever you see

an inside shot,

that was actually filmed

on a soundstage in Los Angeles.

WOMAN:

Hurry, kids! Hurry! Come on!

ELIZA:

Hey! Sheila! Sheila!

Hi! What's shakin', babe?

Do I have

Joan Crawford eyebrows?

I applied pencil like it was

magic marker, and I didn't check.

Tell me the truth.

No, they look good.

They're, 'ya know, zesty.

Zesty?

I have to have this in Clara's

classroom by choice time,

or it's sudden death

for Bad Mommy.

-Will you walk with me?

-Sure.

SHEILA:

Hey, do you want me

to pick up Clara

and bring her with us?

'Cause I know Trixie

would love it.

But I thought Joel

had the kids on Fridays.

Oh, he's in Santa Fe.

Oh.... Chasing another

new wild potter?

I don't know. Maybe.

Who cares?

ELIZA:
I've really gotta

go for this, right?

I mean, there's something validating

about having a real job, you know?

It's been awhile.

Yeah, there's definitely something

validating about having a real job.

I mean, especially one

that actually pays you more

than the childcare

required to do it.

And it has been awhile.

You sure you're ready to move

beyond entourages

of organic snacks?

[ Eliza laughs ]

Completely!

I mean, it gives me a chance

to explore what it really means

to become a mother,

and nobody talks about this stuff.

The sleep deprivation,

the funks, the non-stop cleaning,

the death of lust.

I can see Lunchbox magazine

flying off the stands.

Here's my first headline:

"To thine own self be true:

Don't Breed."

Too late.

[ Bongos playing ]

[ Whispers ]

Hi, Trixie!

Sh*t!

-What?

-Avery forgot to walk Coupon!

Sh*t is right.

You better get home, or you're

gonna find a deposit on your rug.

[ Drilling sounds ]

ELIZA:
Avery?

Avery.

Avery.

This stuff is incredible, really.

Uh, Avery, um, did you forget

something this morning?

AVERY:
What?

I don't know, it was essentially

our firstborn, you know?

The one

with the incontinence issues?

Oops, sorry.

Single most abused word

in the English language.

AVERY:

"Oops" or "sorry"?

All right, so I'll stay with Lucas,

and you go get Coupon.

Oh, no, no, no.

You can't do that.

I got an editorial meeting at 9:30.

If I don't leave now,

I'm never gonna make it.

No, no, no, no!

You never told me that!

Yes, I did. I told you this morning

while you were combing Clara's hair.

Don't worry, I'll be back by 1:00.

No, but 1:
00 is too late!

I don't think Coupon

can hold it till then,

and he can't walk himself

because he can't make it

down the stairs anymore.

AVERY:
Holy Moly!

ELIZA:
Did you go

to the cash machine at least?

Eliza, I wish you would stop

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