Motherhood Page #2

talking to me like I'm impaired.

Yes, I did.

I.... No -- I'm sorry, okay?

There's just something I want

to do today. It's incredible.

It's this writing thing, which

could be just perfect for me and--

I guess I'll just figure out

how to get it all done by myself.

-ELIZA:
Bye!

-AVERY:
Bye!

[ Music plays ]

[ Grunts ]

Oh, come on.

I got ya!

[ Deep breaths ]

Orange juice.

Edith?

I forgot your orange juice.

I'm sorry,

I'll bring you some more later?

EDITH:
Orange juice?

I don't need any orange juice, dear.

I'm closing the door now, Edith.

It's not safe to leave it open.

Okay.

[ Car alarm sounds ]

Hurry up, Coupon, let's go.

HESTER:

Street sweeper! Street sweeper!

Oh! Oh, God. Coupon! Get busy.

LUCAS:
Get busy.

HESTER:

Get a Prius, New Jersey!

Go home, scumbag!

Good job, Coupon!

Good boy!

So, you just gonna leave it there?

No, I just, I gotta get my kid

in the car,

so I can move the car, so the street

sweeper can clean the street.

I'll pick it up later.

What if someone

steps in it before then?

I'll call 911 and make a complaint.

Well, I haven't found that

very effective, but be my guest.

Here, honey.

And you're not even

going to strap him in?

Give me a break.

ELIZA:
Okay....

Oh, no!

[ Engine starts ]

[ Honking ]

IRATE DRIVER:

Come on, lady, move it!

Now where the hell is this guy?

WOMAN:

What's going on?

HESTER:
Every Tuesday and Friday

you gotta move your car

so they can clean the street.

Oh, except this one here.

They're from Jersey.

They leave it,

and then pay the ticket.

It's cheaper than a garage.

And then the street sweeper

can't get around!

IRATE DRIVER:

Hey, move it, Volvo lady!

Move that freakin' car!

I can't, I'll lose my spot!

Why doesn't everybody just back up?

IRATE DRIVER:
Come on!

Move your car!

Come around!

IRATE DRIVER:

We can't move, 'ya c*nt!

Motherf***er!

WOMAN:

What is that woman doing?

She's nuts.

Look, that's her dog sh*t.

She just left it there.

-Oh!

-HESTER:
Give him hell!

Did you just say

what I think you said?

Yeah, that's right, you heard me.

You just used the C-word in front

of a child, in front of a school!

Your mother must be

very proud of you.

Hey, you leave my mother

out of this!

No, no, no.

She must be very, very proud

that her son grew up to be....

What do you do?

Oh, roofing!

That her son's a roofer.

-Shut up, lady.

-Impressive.

Do they give you a degree in that?

Advanced shingling?

Hey, I said, shut up!

[ Honking intensifies

and people scream ]

All right, I'm sorry

that I insulted your profession.

Well, somebody's gotta fix roofs.

[ Chuckles ]

Right. Agreed.

I mean, I'm one to talk.

I'm just trying to raise two kids

in this godforsaken city

that's a shadow of its former self.

Do you ever think about maybe

moving out to the suburbs?

Like we could afford the taxes!

Yeah, I hear you on that.

I hear you on that.

He's escaping!

Somebody call the police!

Hey, you better get up there!

Oh! Oh!

No!

[ Lucas giggles ]

MAN:
Move the car!

This isn't a parking lot!

ELIZA:

What are you doing?

Oh! Sweetie! Sweetie! Oh, no, no, no!

I'm so sorry. Back you go.

Report her to social services!

Hey, cut the lady some slack.

Can't you see

she's having a hard day?

Thank you.

[ Honking continues ]

[ Engine starts ]

Oh, watch out! Oh! Oh!

Look.

[ Music plays ]

Lucas, sweetie, I am so sorry

I left you all alone like that.

And mommy's sorry

she was smoking, too.

And yelling.

Smoking and yelling are two things

that Lunchbox Magazine

would tell you to avoid.

[ Tires screech ]

ELIZA:
I'm sorry.

Mommy's just gonna, just race

around the block as fast as she can.

As quick as a wink!

A wink!

Oh! I'm gonna lose my spot!

Oh, no.

Don't!

ELIZA:
Oh, no-no-no-no-no!

Hey! No, no, no!

All right, one sec.

Don't, don't, don't.

Excuse me!

Look, I'm sorry to bother you!

I know you're not napping because

I saw you just pull into my spot.

It's not your spot.

But I live here.

You live in the West Village, so you

can afford to park someplace else.

No, you can say that,

but you'd be wrong, okay?

My apartment is right there,

rather I should say, our apartments.

You've got more

than one apartment?

They're rent stabilized,

and one is a studio.

Look, I'm throwing a birthday party

for my daughter tonight,

and I need to park here

so I can stash stuff in the car.

That is, if I can fit anything,

considering my husband has filled

the back of the car with old books.

You see, he has this fantasy

of starting an online rare book

business to enrich our lifestyle.

How about that?

Anyway, we live in a walk-up.

Oh!

Come on!

[ Bells toll ]

"My, what a wonderful house

this would be.

I will live in it until the people

who own it come for it.

And then, the little old man--"

Oh, that's us. Okay.

Come on, sweetie.

Ah.... Okay, here we go.

Ooh!

Come, sweetie, here we go.

[ Deep breaths ]

Yeah....

[ Sighs ]

Good sharing, Courtney!

I am very proud of you

for your excellent sharing.

No, no, drop it.

That's made in China.

ELIZA:

Hey! Watch it.

He's a whole lot smaller than you.

Excuse me,

did you just say something?

Did she say something to you, Jordan?

ELIZA:
Look, I'm sorry, but your son

nearly crushed my kid.

He's a whole lot bigger.

Are you saying

my son's overweight?

I said big.

Actually, what I said was "bigger."

Don't you dare

ever speak to him again.

It's glandular!

No, Trish.

Trish, you cook pot roast at 375.

Yeah.

And don't forget to mail

the Con-Ed bill, please.

My wife.

Yeah, okay, bye.

Jodie Foster alert.

Excuse me?

I swear to God, it's Jodie!

She's coming in right now.

PAPARAZZl:
Jodie, Jodie!

Over here, Jodie! Who's the father?

Last week, I had

a Sarah Jessica Parker sighting.

I've seen Julianne Moore,

Kate Winslet, and James Gandolfini.

I swear, it's like a movie star

playground.

I come in all the way from Scarsdale

because, you know, you never know,

I could sell it to Us, right?

PAPARAZZl:

Who's your baby-daddy, Jodie?

JODIE:
You should work in a soup

kitchen, you f***ing parasites.

Here you go, honey.

Got your jacket?

ELIZA:
Should a mother

really have to choose

between simply getting

her kid some fresh air

and being stalked

by the mamarazzi?

LILY:
Hey, Eliza.

Hey, Lily! Hey, Bodhi!

-Say hi.

-Hi.

What's with the HAZMAT suit?

Oh, this?

It's a UV-protection robe.

I got it for Bodhi off this website.

They make them in Australia.

Because of the warming.

Ah....

I hate to say this, but he kinda

looks like a little baby Klansman.

Oh, well, it cuts out 99 percent

of harmful rays.

I can send you the link if you want.

I got lndy a poncho off it.

Maybe Clara would want one.

It's okay.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt you.

No, no, no. I'm just...

entering this contest.

Really? What's the contest?

Just write 500 words about

what motherhood means to me.

What are you gonna say?

Um....

Stuff, I guess. I don't know.

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