Motherhood Page #3

How motherhood

is all about rainbows and unicorns

and sunny days and....

I've got something up my sleeve.

Okay.

Hey, do you want to borrow some?

It's cruelty and chemical free.

They make it in Oregon.

No, thanks.

[ Bodhi cries ]

[ Lily sobs ]

Lily? Lily, what are you doing?

Oh, haven't you read

The Crying and the Raging?

It's the most amazing book.

This pediatrician in Norway

came up with the theory

that if you really connect

with your child in his moment of pain,

it calms them down.

It's really made a difference

for me and Bodhi.

Lily, will you excuse me

for a second?

Oh, sure.

Are you feeling better?

Do you have the hiccups?

Let's look around

and see what we see.

I think I see a little chipmunk.

Oh, that's not a chipmunk.

SHEILA:
I don't have

the faintest notion

what motherhood means to me,

you know what I mean?

Since when does a stroller

have to cost as much as a car?

Okay, a used car.

SHEILA:
Since the world

has started breeding more,

-Oh!

-SHEILA:
What?

-ELIZA:
I can't believe....

-SHEILA:
What?

ELIZA:

They towed my goddamn car!

-SHEILA:
Oh, sh*t,

-Oh!

AVERY (VOICEMAIL): Please

leave your message at the beep,

ELIZA:

Avery, where are you?

I'm freaking out, okay?

They're shooting on our block again.

They moved the cars.

Call me as soon as you get this.

I gotta go. Bye.

Where is my car?

We have a resident here.

MALE VOICE:

She can pick up her car anytime,

Copy that.

Who moved it?

Well, there's signs on all the posts.

Check them. No parking today.

There were no signs

when I left it here an hour ago.

-Right there!

-Ma'am, look--

Don't "ma'am" me!

I may technically be old enough

to be your mother,

but I am not a "ma'am."

The car's been moved

to a secure location

on Barrow Street,

all the way west.

Film crews are supposed

to give 24-hour notice.

I can give you the number

to the mayor's office

if you'd like to call

and file a complaint.

Very helpful. Great.

You're telling me that you towed

my car, and I have to bite it, right?

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you

to cross the street.

We're setting up here.

Hester, can you believe this?

I'm gonna piss in a pot

and dump it on 'em later.

Out the window, splat.

Right on!

Danny, go to two.

ELIZA:
Why is it that once

you pass 35 and have a kid in tow,

you automatically

become a "ma'am"?

"Ma'am" means support hose,

a girdle, a bad perm,

I'll wear hot pants and platforms

when I'm on a walker

if only to avoid

being called "ma'am, "

[ Phone rings ]

Avery, Avery, Avery!

Answer your phone for once, Avery!

AVERY (VOICEMAIL): You've reached

Avery, Please leave your message--

[ Sighs ]

ELIZA:
I used to be fluid,

I used to be, I don't know, graceful.

Now my words come out,

and they just sound like bad ad copy.

Well, maybe your brain's

worn out from over-sharing.

Sheila, just blog-slam me

when I'm down!

[ Sheila laughs ]

Avery lost his cell phone,

by the way,

the ultimate passive-aggressive act.

Avery would lose his scrotum

if it wasn't attached.

Well, it's either that,

or he silenced it,

which is the most effective way

of silencing me.

Ah.... No longer my problem,

being silenced.

I mean,

God forbid I ever raised a topic

from Joel's top 10 list

of "musts to avoid."

Like, why you can't balance

his checkbook.

Or vacuum. Or remember

the substitute teacher's name.

Or tolerate a single comment

about September 11

at the dinner table.

God, maybe that's gonna show up

in the divorce papers.

"Refused to stop referencing

traumatic event

more than six years

after the fact."

Mm-hmm.

"By the way,

'Why can't you just get over it?"'

I'll tell you why.

'Cause you're always thinking,

you're always wondering, "What if?"

I mean, have I done everything

I could possibly do

to stave off disaster?

Did I tell Clara how much I loved her

this morning before school,

just in case

she never makes it home again.

Oh, Liz, you gotta stop.

I can't stop.

Well, as a fearless leader

once said,

"When you can't stop,

you must shop."

[ Music plays in store ]

You know, the grand irony

of the whole thing

is that the first time around,

all I wanted...

Thank you.

...was for Joel to leave me alone

and not touch me.

Well, that was because

your joints ached.

And I had to pee

every five seconds.

Which is better than peeing

all over yourself,

which is what you do

after you give birth.

Yeah, the cruel twist of fate

is that at this time,

all the women do is shag.

And there is nobody to shag me.

She got pregnant

through sympathy sex.

Her husband felt guilty

after he ran off,

so he sent the kids out with a sitter,

got a bottle of wine,

and jumped on her.

Shagged me madly.

Got her pregnant --

And then he left her.

Pig!

Oh, yeah.

SHEILA:

Hey, you guys....

-ELIZA:
That's nice.

-SHEILA:
It's pretty, yeah.

For a 6-year-old.

I gotta tell you something.

It does not leave this room.

Okay, so last night,

I got the kids to bed about 9:00,

and I ran a bath,

which would have been

really lovely

except I only had that

Strawberry Shortcake bubble bath.

-So I'm lying there, in the bath --

-Yeah....

naked --

What? What?

Good!

[ Laughing ]

You know the little, um,

motorized submarine bath toys....

-The little, "Chiggachiggachigga...."

-Yeah.

Oh!

What?

You know, they look

a bit like d*ldos.

You're dirty!

[ Laughing ]

It was lovely.

And it was amazing.

It was lovely and amazing.

I got very lucky with the submarine.

Oh....

Okay, all right, look,

the moment of reckoning.

Lay it on me.

Where would I wear this?

Parent-teacher conference.

Okay.

What about...

...this one?

Well, that's for the date that's

never gonna happen, isn't it?

Or in case you ever feel like enticing

the spousal unit to do 'ya.

Hey, how about this one?

Well, that's nice.

That's for keeping cozy at your desk.

Cozy at my desk doing what?

I don't know. I'm just here

for the fashion advice.

I can't solve your life crisis.

I'm gonna go check out

the size 29.

ELIZA:
What does it say

about the world

when a perfectly attractive woman

like my best friend Sheila

has to resort to wanking off

with her son's bath toy?

Oh,,,,

Even if she is seriously pregnant

at this point,

it somehow seems unjust,

[ Keyboard clicking ]

Motherhood is not knowing

what's going to hit you next,

Motherhood is a day in May,

a hot air balloon,,,

,,,God's gift to womankind,

[ Lucas hums ]

[ Lucas mumbles something

to himself ]

ELIZA:
What about when

your child's hand is still so small

that he or she puts that hand

in yours with absolute trust?

Their incredibly soft cheeks

when you kiss them,

The way their foreheads sweat

when they're sleeping,

and the hair sticks to it,

The hilariously weird things they

say when they're learning to talk,

The way you save their lost teeth

after they fall out,

and you've done

your tooth fairy routine,

Iike some demented Nazi,

because you can't stand

to give up any part of them,

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