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Motherhood Page #3
How motherhood
is all about rainbows and unicorns
and sunny days and....
I've got something up my sleeve.
Okay.
Hey, do you want to borrow some?
It's cruelty and chemical free.
They make it in Oregon.
No, thanks.
[ Lily sobs ]
Lily? Lily, what are you doing?
Oh, haven't you read
The Crying and the Raging?
It's the most amazing book.
This pediatrician in Norway
came up with the theory
that if you really connect
with your child in his moment of pain,
it calms them down.
It's really made a difference
for me and Bodhi.
Lily, will you excuse me
for a second?
Oh, sure.
Are you feeling better?
Do you have the hiccups?
Let's look around
and see what we see.
I think I see a little chipmunk.
Oh, that's not a chipmunk.
SHEILA:
I don't havethe faintest notion
what motherhood means to me,
you know what I mean?
Since when does a stroller
have to cost as much as a car?
Okay, a used car.
SHEILA:
Since the world-Oh!
-SHEILA:
What?-ELIZA:
I can't believe....-SHEILA:
What?ELIZA:
-SHEILA:
Oh, sh*t,-Oh!
AVERY (VOICEMAIL): Please
leave your message at the beep,
ELIZA:
Avery, where are you?
I'm freaking out, okay?
They're shooting on our block again.
They moved the cars.
Call me as soon as you get this.
I gotta go. Bye.
Where is my car?
We have a resident here.
MALE VOICE:
She can pick up her car anytime,
Copy that.
Who moved it?
Well, there's signs on all the posts.
Check them. No parking today.
There were no signs
when I left it here an hour ago.
-Right there!
-Ma'am, look--
Don't "ma'am" me!
I may technically be old enough
to be your mother,
but I am not a "ma'am."
The car's been moved
to a secure location
on Barrow Street,
all the way west.
Film crews are supposed
to give 24-hour notice.
I can give you the number
to the mayor's office
if you'd like to call
and file a complaint.
Very helpful. Great.
You're telling me that you towed
my car, and I have to bite it, right?
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you
to cross the street.
We're setting up here.
Hester, can you believe this?
I'm gonna piss in a pot
and dump it on 'em later.
Out the window, splat.
Right on!
Danny, go to two.
ELIZA:
Why is it that onceyou pass 35 and have a kid in tow,
you automatically
become a "ma'am"?
a girdle, a bad perm,
I'll wear hot pants and platforms
when I'm on a walker
if only to avoid
being called "ma'am, "
Avery, Avery, Avery!
Answer your phone for once, Avery!
AVERY (VOICEMAIL): You've reached
Avery, Please leave your message--
[ Sighs ]
ELIZA:
I used to be fluid,I used to be, I don't know, graceful.
Now my words come out,
and they just sound like bad ad copy.
Well, maybe your brain's
worn out from over-sharing.
Sheila, just blog-slam me
when I'm down!
Avery lost his cell phone,
by the way,
the ultimate passive-aggressive act.
Avery would lose his scrotum
if it wasn't attached.
Well, it's either that,
or he silenced it,
which is the most effective way
of silencing me.
Ah.... No longer my problem,
being silenced.
I mean,
God forbid I ever raised a topic
from Joel's top 10 list
of "musts to avoid."
Like, why you can't balance
his checkbook.
Or vacuum. Or remember
the substitute teacher's name.
about September 11
at the dinner table.
God, maybe that's gonna show up
in the divorce papers.
"Refused to stop referencing
traumatic event
more than six years
after the fact."
Mm-hmm.
"By the way,
'Why can't you just get over it?"'
I'll tell you why.
'Cause you're always thinking,
you're always wondering, "What if?"
I mean, have I done everything
to stave off disaster?
Did I tell Clara how much I loved her
just in case
she never makes it home again.
Oh, Liz, you gotta stop.
I can't stop.
Well, as a fearless leader
once said,
"When you can't stop,
you must shop."
You know, the grand irony
of the whole thing
is that the first time around,
all I wanted...
Thank you.
...was for Joel to leave me alone
and not touch me.
Well, that was because
your joints ached.
And I had to pee
every five seconds.
Which is better than peeing
all over yourself,
which is what you do
after you give birth.
is that at this time,
all the women do is shag.
And there is nobody to shag me.
She got pregnant
through sympathy sex.
Her husband felt guilty
after he ran off,
so he sent the kids out with a sitter,
got a bottle of wine,
and jumped on her.
Shagged me madly.
Got her pregnant --
And then he left her.
Pig!
Oh, yeah.
SHEILA:
Hey, you guys....
-ELIZA:
That's nice.-SHEILA:
It's pretty, yeah.For a 6-year-old.
I gotta tell you something.
It does not leave this room.
Okay, so last night,
I got the kids to bed about 9:00,
and I ran a bath,
which would have been
really lovely
except I only had that
Strawberry Shortcake bubble bath.
-So I'm lying there, in the bath --
-Yeah....
naked --
What? What?
Good!
[ Laughing ]
You know the little, um,
motorized submarine bath toys....
-The little, "Chiggachiggachigga...."
-Yeah.
Oh!
What?
You know, they look
a bit like d*ldos.
You're dirty!
[ Laughing ]
It was lovely.
And it was amazing.
It was lovely and amazing.
I got very lucky with the submarine.
Oh....
Okay, all right, look,
the moment of reckoning.
Lay it on me.
Where would I wear this?
Parent-teacher conference.
Okay.
What about...
...this one?
Well, that's for the date that's
never gonna happen, isn't it?
Or in case you ever feel like enticing
the spousal unit to do 'ya.
Hey, how about this one?
Well, that's nice.
That's for keeping cozy at your desk.
Cozy at my desk doing what?
I don't know. I'm just here
for the fashion advice.
I can't solve your life crisis.
the size 29.
ELIZA:
What does it sayabout the world
when a perfectly attractive woman
like my best friend Sheila
with her son's bath toy?
Oh,,,,
Even if she is seriously pregnant
at this point,
Motherhood is not knowing
what's going to hit you next,
Motherhood is a day in May,
a hot air balloon,,,
,,,God's gift to womankind,
[ Lucas hums ]
to himself ]
ELIZA:
What about whenyour child's hand is still so small
that he or she puts that hand
Their incredibly soft cheeks
when you kiss them,
when they're sleeping,
and the hair sticks to it,
The hilariously weird things they
say when they're learning to talk,
The way you save their lost teeth
after they fall out,
and you've done
Iike some demented Nazi,
because you can't stand
to give up any part of them,
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"Motherhood" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/motherhood_14103>.
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