Motherhood Page #4

no matter how tiny,

[ Door shuts slams shut ]

Oh.... Sorry I'm late.

Morris needed the final edit

on the Albanian manuscript.

Jesus, you know, I had to pile

through a bunch of extras

with really bad moustaches

just to get to the front door.

Did you notice

that our car got towed?

Yes, I did.

I've been trying to call you.

-AVERY:
Hi!

-LUCAS:
Hi.

-AVERY:
Really?

-Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Eight missed calls.

Ringer must have been off.

So, uh, did you have something

you needed to tell me?

ELIZA:
Nothing that I couldn't

figure out on my own.

You have no idea

how lucky you are

to be married

to a consummate multitasker.

Ah, but I do know.

ELIZA:
Hey, can you please

take him across the hall?

I need to put in

another half an hour. I just --

I'm just beginning

to get somewhere.

-Oh, really?

-ELIZA:
Yep.

Good.

[ Bell tolls ]

AVERY:
Is that Paul?

I think that's Paul.

Do you see him?

-Did I miss her?

-AVERY:
No, no.

Hi, sweetie! Hi!

See your sister, yeah?

Where is she?

-AVERY:
Oh, there she is.

-Hi!

Hi, Mom! Hi!

Hi, Clara!

-Oh....

-Oh, God!

Clara!

TEACHER:

Line up, please!

ELIZA:
Clara?

Clara?

[ Children playing ]

It's her last day of being 5.

Oh, Avery, Avery, Avery,

Lucas is here.

Didn't you notice?

I put him in front of the Teletubbies.

He'll be paralyzed for an hour.

No, no, no....

I'd love to, but I can't. No!

I have a deadline

and a party to throw, remember?

Yeah.

[ Music plays ]

Av? Can I borrow your bike?

Sure.

Oh, can you read my draft?

Can you explain to me

what it is again?

Yes.

I'm submitting a piece

to a parenting magazine.

It's a contest.

I mean, it's kind of a real gig.

But I can't get into that right now.

It's only 500 words.

It's a first draft.

But, no, I feel like it's solid,

you know?

Something I could put my name to

and feel good about it.

I left a copy on my desk.

Sure.

And, Avery?

Hmm?

Mm.... Nothing. It's just --

Be honest.

Bye.

Bye!

-LUCAS:
Bye.

-Bye.

[ The Go-Between's

"Streets of Your Town" plays ]

ELIZA:
Sh*t!

[ Honking ]

[ Elevator-type music plays ]

BOY:
Mama,

I want the big Spider-Man,

not the little Spider-Man.

No, I told you....

It's 39 dollars.

BOY:

I want the big one!

It's too much money, now, come on!

I told you,

you can't have this, Jorge!

Stop it, that's enough.

Come on. Laura?

Laura, get back over here!

Jorge, come on.

Laura?

Laura, get back over here.

[ Music plays ]

ELIZA:

Yeah, Sheila, got the backpack.

I'm doing my Sherpa routine.

SHEILA:
Do you think our children

have any idea

how we suffer on their behalf?

ELIZA:
Absolutely not.

WOMAN:

Hey, you can't cut the line.

Wait your turn!

Look, I gotta get out of here.

I just waited 20 minutes

for some moron to blow up balloons.

Well, you can't cut the line.

I've gotta go pick up my twins

from preschool in 10 minutes.

They fine you if you're late.

SHEILA:

What the hell is going on?

Crazy, crazy,

now showing everywhere.

SHEILA:
Hang on,

I'm just going to get my tea,

Hi, yes.

This is Allison Hopper.

Sorry, I'm just gonna be

a weensy bit late

picking up Sky and Banjo

this afternoon.

Sorry about that.

So, Sheila, I'm feeling, why do l

even care if I win this contest?

I mean, I'm addressing such

a narrow sector of the population.

WOMAN:

Move up, the line moved.

SHEILA:
Not as narrow

as the one you're addressing there,

Where are you?

ELIZA:

Getting goody bag stuff.

So much for sticking

to your principles.

"So much for sticking

to your principles."

[ Whispering ]

Some freakazoid is bothering me.

"Freakazoid!"

What the hell is your problem?

What the hell is your problem?

ELIZA:
Sheila,

I'm gonna call you back, okay?

SHEILA:

No, no, no!

ELIZA:
Listen, I wasn't speaking

very loudly in the first place, okay?

I believe in cell phone etiquette.

You introduced your conversation

into my personal space,

thus violating any commonly held

definition of "etiquette."

Is that so?

Move it! Move up!

Did you know that 90 percent

of cell phone users

believe they're courteous

while 85 percent

of those same users

complain about being annoyed

by others' conversations?

Now, those numbers

really don't add up, do they?

ELIZA:
Why don't we have

this conversation in 20 years,

when you've learned a thing or two

about the real world?

Oh, you mean when I'm old?

[ Sighs ]

Even you, my friend,

will turn 40.

[ Screams ]

[ Mumbles something ]

COLLEGE STUDENT:

You know what?

You urban moms are like

a case study in liberal hypocrisy.

You think the rules apply

to other people, but never to you.

You blab your precious banalities

into cell phones,

you buy gluten-free snacks,

yet have no comprehension

of your carbon footprint!

I'd like to shove my carbon footprint

right up your ass.

Come on, you're up, you're up!

Can you believe this d*ckhead?

I'm sorry.

GIRL:
Mommy!

She said "d*ckhead"!

[ Shakespear's Sister's

"Goodbye Cruel World" plays ]

But that's not her name.

Yes, it is.

Says it right here on the order form:

"Clarra."

Her name is "Clara."

Look, see?

"Clara."

Not, "Clar-ra."

Well, our froster

is on a cigarette break, so --

Well, can't someone else fix it?

All you have to do is just

scrape off the "ra", right?

And rewrite it in matching icing

so it doesn't look like an accident.

Only the froster can do that.

ELIZA:
Look, I have to go home.

I mean, I have to set up.

So come back.

We're open till midnight.

ELIZA:
I can't come back.

The party is at 5:00.

Agh....

You have to admit

it's your own fault.

If you had named her

"Sophie" or "Ella,"

you wouldn't be having this problem,

but you gave her an "Edna" name.

-A what?

-You know, an "Edna" name?

Like "Mabel" or "Agnes" or "Velma."

Yeah, like lesbian librarian names.

WOMAN:
Don't you read

the "Crankypants Post"?

She did a whole thing last week

about names, it was genius.

Well, yes, I mean I do read her,

but I like other

parenting blogs better.

What about "The Bjorn ldentity"?

That woman is so -- I don't know.

I think she's a feminist.

Well, what could be worse than that?

ELIZA:
Anyway, "Clara"

is not an "Edna" name, right?

WOMAN:
Let me guess, you named

her after your favorite grandmother?

Stop.

[ The Dear Janes' "Ship" plays ]

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me, I live here.

Oh, do you know if there's

a McKendrick in 6-C?

Yes, I do.

Try the buzzers?

Yeah.

What?

Oh, no! No!

Avery!

I just --

Classic!

How am I gonna get

this sh*t upstairs?

I was gonna stash it in my car,

which I like to call

my roving metal purse,

which was parked right over there,

but then --

[ Groans ]

Then... this came!

This invasion of the block snatchers!

I've gotta throw a party

for my daughter...

...at 5:
00!

I don't know

where my husband has gone.

He has this habit of disappearing

right when I need him the most.

Just, I'll sign for it, okay?

You've got a lot to carry.

So, Mikesh,

you a messenger full-time?

Of course not. No. I write.

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