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Motherhood Page #4
no matter how tiny,
Oh.... Sorry I'm late.
on the Albanian manuscript.
Jesus, you know, I had to pile
through a bunch of extras
with really bad moustaches
just to get to the front door.
Did you notice
that our car got towed?
Yes, I did.
I've been trying to call you.
-AVERY:
Hi!-LUCAS:
Hi.-AVERY:
Really?-Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah. Look at that.
Eight missed calls.
Ringer must have been off.
So, uh, did you have something
you needed to tell me?
ELIZA:
Nothing that I couldn'tfigure out on my own.
You have no idea
how lucky you are
to be married
to a consummate multitasker.
Ah, but I do know.
ELIZA:
Hey, can you pleasetake him across the hall?
I need to put in
another half an hour. I just --
I'm just beginning
to get somewhere.
-Oh, really?
-ELIZA:
Yep.Good.
[ Bell tolls ]
AVERY:
Is that Paul?I think that's Paul.
Do you see him?
-Did I miss her?
-AVERY:
No, no.Hi, sweetie! Hi!
See your sister, yeah?
Where is she?
-AVERY:
Oh, there she is.-Hi!
Hi, Mom! Hi!
Hi, Clara!
-Oh....
-Oh, God!
Clara!
TEACHER:
Line up, please!
ELIZA:
Clara?Clara?
It's her last day of being 5.
Oh, Avery, Avery, Avery,
Lucas is here.
Didn't you notice?
I put him in front of the Teletubbies.
He'll be paralyzed for an hour.
No, no, no....
I'd love to, but I can't. No!
I have a deadline
and a party to throw, remember?
Yeah.
Av? Can I borrow your bike?
Sure.
Oh, can you read my draft?
Can you explain to me
what it is again?
Yes.
I'm submitting a piece
to a parenting magazine.
It's a contest.
I mean, it's kind of a real gig.
But I can't get into that right now.
It's only 500 words.
It's a first draft.
But, no, I feel like it's solid,
you know?
Something I could put my name to
and feel good about it.
I left a copy on my desk.
Sure.
And, Avery?
Hmm?
Mm.... Nothing. It's just --
Be honest.
Bye.
Bye!
-LUCAS:
Bye.-Bye.
[ The Go-Between's
"Streets of Your Town" plays ]
ELIZA:
Sh*t![ Honking ]
BOY:
Mama,I want the big Spider-Man,
not the little Spider-Man.
No, I told you....
It's 39 dollars.
BOY:
I want the big one!
It's too much money, now, come on!
I told you,
you can't have this, Jorge!
Stop it, that's enough.
Come on. Laura?
Laura, get back over here!
Jorge, come on.
Laura?
Laura, get back over here.
ELIZA:
Yeah, Sheila, got the backpack.
SHEILA:
Do you think our childrenhave any idea
how we suffer on their behalf?
ELIZA:
Absolutely not.WOMAN:
Hey, you can't cut the line.
Wait your turn!
Look, I gotta get out of here.
I just waited 20 minutes
for some moron to blow up balloons.
Well, you can't cut the line.
I've gotta go pick up my twins
from preschool in 10 minutes.
They fine you if you're late.
SHEILA:
What the hell is going on?
Crazy, crazy,
now showing everywhere.
SHEILA:
Hang on,I'm just going to get my tea,
Hi, yes.
This is Allison Hopper.
Sorry, I'm just gonna be
a weensy bit late
picking up Sky and Banjo
this afternoon.
Sorry about that.
So, Sheila, I'm feeling, why do l
even care if I win this contest?
I mean, I'm addressing such
a narrow sector of the population.
WOMAN:
Move up, the line moved.
SHEILA:
Not as narrowas the one you're addressing there,
Where are you?
ELIZA:
Getting goody bag stuff.
So much for sticking
to your principles.
"So much for sticking
to your principles."
[ Whispering ]
Some freakazoid is bothering me.
"Freakazoid!"
What the hell is your problem?
What the hell is your problem?
ELIZA:
Sheila,I'm gonna call you back, okay?
SHEILA:
No, no, no!
ELIZA:
Listen, I wasn't speakingvery loudly in the first place, okay?
I believe in cell phone etiquette.
You introduced your conversation
into my personal space,
thus violating any commonly held
definition of "etiquette."
Is that so?
Move it! Move up!
Did you know that 90 percent
of cell phone users
believe they're courteous
while 85 percent
of those same users
by others' conversations?
Now, those numbers
really don't add up, do they?
ELIZA:
Why don't we havethis conversation in 20 years,
when you've learned a thing or two
about the real world?
Oh, you mean when I'm old?
[ Sighs ]
Even you, my friend,
will turn 40.
[ Screams ]
COLLEGE STUDENT:
You know what?
You urban moms are like
a case study in liberal hypocrisy.
to other people, but never to you.
You blab your precious banalities
into cell phones,
you buy gluten-free snacks,
yet have no comprehension
of your carbon footprint!
I'd like to shove my carbon footprint
right up your ass.
Come on, you're up, you're up!
Can you believe this d*ckhead?
I'm sorry.
GIRL:
Mommy!She said "d*ckhead"!
[ Shakespear's Sister's
But that's not her name.
Yes, it is.
Says it right here on the order form:
"Clarra."
Her name is "Clara."
Look, see?
"Clara."
Not, "Clar-ra."
Well, our froster
is on a cigarette break, so --
Well, can't someone else fix it?
All you have to do is just
scrape off the "ra", right?
And rewrite it in matching icing
so it doesn't look like an accident.
Only the froster can do that.
ELIZA:
Look, I have to go home.I mean, I have to set up.
So come back.
We're open till midnight.
ELIZA:
I can't come back.The party is at 5:00.
Agh....
You have to admit
it's your own fault.
If you had named her
"Sophie" or "Ella,"
you wouldn't be having this problem,
but you gave her an "Edna" name.
-A what?
-You know, an "Edna" name?
Like "Mabel" or "Agnes" or "Velma."
Yeah, like lesbian librarian names.
WOMAN:
Don't you readthe "Crankypants Post"?
She did a whole thing last week
about names, it was genius.
Well, yes, I mean I do read her,
but I like other
parenting blogs better.
What about "The Bjorn ldentity"?
That woman is so -- I don't know.
I think she's a feminist.
Well, what could be worse than that?
ELIZA:
Anyway, "Clara"is not an "Edna" name, right?
WOMAN:
Let me guess, you namedher after your favorite grandmother?
Stop.
[ The Dear Janes' "Ship" plays ]
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me, I live here.
Oh, do you know if there's
a McKendrick in 6-C?
Yes, I do.
Try the buzzers?
Yeah.
What?
Oh, no! No!
Avery!
I just --
Classic!
How am I gonna get
this sh*t upstairs?
I was gonna stash it in my car,
which I like to call
which was parked right over there,
but then --
[ Groans ]
Then... this came!
This invasion of the block snatchers!
for my daughter...
...at 5:
00!I don't know
where my husband has gone.
He has this habit of disappearing
right when I need him the most.
Just, I'll sign for it, okay?
You've got a lot to carry.
So, Mikesh,
you a messenger full-time?
Of course not. No. I write.
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"Motherhood" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/motherhood_14103>.
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