Mr. Right Page #2

That it pisses in your face?

Is that like

an evolutionary sort of...

I'm really sorry, Sophie.

It wasn't a metaphor.

Yeah, I realize that now.

Yeah.

You should go home.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Yeah, very sure.

Okay.

I will see you at home.

Phew.

How'd you do that?

This is a lot of condoms.

Enough condoms here to choke a goat.

What?

I don't know what I just said.

Hey, you wanna get out of here?

What?

Is it creepy? Sometimes I

don't know I'm being creepy.

Do you wanna go on a date? Do you wanna

get out of here and then go on a date?

Based on what?

Based on nothing?

Just go on a date?

What else are you doing today?

Fighting the urge to run

away from you right now.

I'm actually on the run too.

From creepy guys like you?

Oh, man. These guys wish

they were as creepy as I am.

International hit men.

Ew. Gross, right?

Oof.

Come on, it's 3:
00 pm. Let's go get

some gumbo. Alligator pancakes?

What else you got to do today? Other than

get serial killed by a cartoon character?

Maybe a lot.

Was that cartoon character

bothering you?

'Cause I'll kick his ass.

What happened to your hand?

Oh, it was a cat.

I don't own cats, actually.

I'm not like a cat lady.

I mean, I love cats,

but it was a rogue cat.

I think you're beautiful.

I'm more fun than a barrel of kittens.

Mm-hmm.

In a good way.

Yeah.

Let's ditch this Popsicle stand.

Let's go for it. Let's go on a date.

Let's go out, you and me.

Explain to me in two words

why I should hang with you.

Two words?

Um...

"or else."

Wow, yeah. That's actually

really f***ing creepy.

That's really creepy, right?

Yeah.

Come on.

You gonna pay for those?

Um, I did. Didn't I pay

for these already?

No. Oh, I didn't. I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

Ha. You caught me.

Hey, buddy. What?

Hmm?

You can't just attack it

from the bottom Willy-nilly.

You were doing fine before.

Just eat it like a... you know,

like a normal human man.

Are you... what are you,

the hot dog police?

Are you new to eating?

I love that shirt.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's confident. You've

got, like, a confidence thing.

I have a confidence thing?

Yeah. Like, "f*** everybody."

You know what I mean?

Excuse me. Ladies? Don't you think

she has a confidence thing?

Sorry. He's a crazy person.

I don't know him.

You do. It's funny, though,

'cause this was an ordeal.

Every time I get dressed,

I have to confront,

like, what does

this say about me?

'Cause I have stuff going on

in here and in here,

and I need my shirt

to be a reflection of that.

That's a lot of

responsibility for a shirt.

Yeah. Well, I probably don't need

to tackle the meaning of life

every time I make

a decision about clothes.

I actually relate to that.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It takes me half an hour every

morning just to decide what to wear.

Oh, 'cause I thought this was a

terrible, terrible accident.

No, this was

a conscious decision.

I'm completely f***ing bananas.

You're funny.

Yeah.

Eh...

You didn't finish your story

about the museum dig things.

Oh, yeah, well,

it never happened.

I met Jeff, and it was sort of about

him and his dreams and his goals.

He's a professor, so...

I guess I'm supposed to be

too, if I honor my degree.

How'd he die?

He's...

No, he's alive.

He's fine.

He's just an a**hole.

Well, I mean,

he wasn't at first,

but then he sort of Scooby-doo-style,

you know, unmasked himself.

Oh. Secret a**hole.

Yes.

The worst. I think it's

my selection process.

Just every guy

I get attached to, you know,

turns out to be secretly,

like...

Yeah.

Am I in trouble?

Like, am I gonna get

a**hole syndrome?

But it's not a secret you're an a**hole.

Oh, well, then we're fine.

I think the guy thing's

just a symptom though.

I think I don't know

what I'm doing generally.

Hmm.

You know.

If you know that,

why don't you change it?

Well... is a question

only d*ckheads ask?

Sorry.

Yeah, dragons. You know, 'cause humans

just wanna put a name on something

to make it feel safe,

but really,

what is a dinosaur

other than a dragon?

Sorry, I feel like we've been

talking about paleontology a lot.

I don't know anything about you.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, that's too bad

because I'm a fascinating

and complex person.

Is that right?

Yeah, kind of, sort of.

What do you do?

I travel a lot.

I buy used cars,

old cars, vintage cars.

I travel, looking for cars. And I

kill people, but not so much anymore.

Oh, you split the time?

- F***!

- Hey, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

What was that?

Goddamn it!

Just some poopyhead

trying to kill me.

You wanna shake him?

Yeah.

Maybe he's trying to kill you.

Something you're not telling me?

I think my problem is that I have to be

the best ever at everything that I do.

Like if I'm picking out a suit

or I'm waterboarding a

terrorist or I'm... sure.

Doing a souffl or being

someone's boyfriend,

I have to be

the best ever at it.

I think I'm just trying to take

life more seriously these days.

What's so funny?

You're just the corniest

person I've ever met.

I am.

Shuck me.

But number one.

Number one.

Number one.

Ah. So then, like,

philosophically,

you're opposed

to casual sex 'cause...

I usually do it naked. I don't

know what's more casual than that.

I once dated a girl, and we had formal sex.

Had to wear a tuxedo.

Sure. It got really sweaty.

Bow tie got all crooked.

That's so stupid.

It's really stupid.

I'm here every Tuesday.

Try the veal.

This is cute.

You like that?

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Hello.

Hey.

Hello. How are you?

You're really pretty.

That was dumb.

Corny.

Yeah.

You're the worst.

Oh, my god.

Put that down.

Oh. Hello.

Mmm. Oh.

Hey. Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, Sophie.

Hey.

Have we met before?

No.

I'm the crazy guy that Martha

met at the supermarket.

Now I know where you live.

- Hey, whoa!

- Oh.

Awesome.

Wow, you look great.

You really do like dragons, huh?

And bonus tigers. Why don't you

park those dragons right here?

So, I should let you know

I still feel, like,

a little messed up

over the, um...

The... the other thing,

previous thing, you know.

Scooby-doo?

Yeah.

So I still want you to stay

if you wanna stay though.

Well...

Yeah! Hang out till infinity!

Yay! I'm down!

Jumping on a bed!

Yay!

Sorry.

If I'm being jumpy, I'm just a

little nervous. I think I like you.

You don't think that this

is too much, do you?

Nah. I still think we should've cut

his head off though, you know?

Turns up the volume.

Johnny moon, you sick f***.

This is the beginning

of a new era.

Once we are back in Jersey,

we're gonna be in charge.

We're not gonna be stuck

in this armpit of a city.

No offense. I know you grew up here.

No offense taken.

I like you. You're not a smart guy.

You're not a tough guy.

But you make big calls

and you got big balls.

Getting clown nose to kill Richie

so you can take over? Wow.

This is a terrible f***in' plan,

but I believe in it.

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