Mr. Roosevelt

---

1

The first time I made someone

laugh I was in the first grade.

It was a play,

and it was about a farm.

And I was a cow.

Every kid in the play

had one line.

We would march up

to the microphone,

and say our line

and then that was it.

I was such a little try-hard.

I practiced my line over

and over again.

So I could get it right and

everyone would love me.

And by the time it was my turn,

I was so ready.

I just marched right up

to the microphone

and I said my line

really loud and confidently.

What should we do?

[Sound of audience laughing]

They just started laughing.

That was not the reaction

I was expecting.

I thought I had blown my shot,

I thought I had blown

my one line.

I was washed up at age 7,

And I went backstage and

I was beating myself up.

Like, "Emily, you suck...

"Can't you go one day

without f***ing something up?"

When my mom came backstage

to congratulate me,

I was just so upset.

I asked her,

"Why were they laughing at me?

"Did I do something wrong?"

And she just smiled

and she said,

"They weren't laughing at you

because you did something wrong.

"They were laughing at you

because you're funny."

It was like a light switch

went off in my brain

and I thought,

"Hey, if I can make people

laugh on accident,

"maybe I could do it on purpose.

"And I've been trying to do it

on purpose ever since."

So, do you have some stuff

prepared for us?

Yes, I have some characters

and some impressions.

Great. You have one minute.

Wait, excuse me,

I thought that we...

I was told I had three minutes.

You did,

but your story took so long.

There's a lot of people waiting.

Right, okay...

Sure...

This first impression is

Holly Hunter at a garage sale.

Hi, excuse me, miss. How much is

this stainless steel serving saucer?

What? It's not for sale?

I don't understand.

This is a garage sale,

is it not?

You listen here, I have 79 cents

and I intend to spend it.

Now tell me,

how much is this children's book

"Sally Sells Seashells

by the Sea Shore"?

A dollar? Shoot. What about

this Scissor Sisters CD?

This is a little boy

trying to be macho in a mirror.

We're divorced.

OK...

This is the girl

who's always cold.

I'm cold.

[Moaning sound]

Brrrrrr...

No, I don't want your jacket.

This is Kristen Wig

discovering a murder scene.

Oh my God, he's dead.

Somebody killed him.

Help, quick. Call 911.

This is a pug

turning into a baby.

[Sound of pug breathing]

[Sound of baby crying]

This an impression

of a Vine video

of a girl at a Beyonc concert.

Oh my God, Beyonc!

[Sound of tripping, then crying]

Oh my God, Beyonc!

[Sound of tripping, then crying]

Oh my God, Beyonce!

[Sound of tripping, crying]

Okay.

[Sound of tripping]

[Theme comes up]

[Theme fades out]

[City street sounds]

[Emily coughing]

[Sound of car door

opening and closing]

Hey, guys.

Hey, Emily.

Where the hell

have you been, Emily?

It's two

in the goddamn afternoon.

I had an audition this morning

which I told you about yesterday.

This is a team, Emily.

You want to be

a part of it or not?

It's editing.

You don't do it as a team,

you do it alone.

But we're doing it together.

Okay, I'm sorry.

It ran long and traffic was...

Just show me what you've got.

As Pharmtech pharmaceutical

reps,

we're here to connect patients

with life-altering prescriptions

they didn't even know they

needed.

So talk to your doctor

about talking to their patients

about the benefits of Hupertan

Rx.

Because no one

should feel sleepy.

Fine, export this cut,

and get it to Brinson

by the end of day for approval.

Jesus.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Have a seat.

Why?

I got your chart back and...

You don't got a butt.

[Audience laughing]

I just don't understand.

What do you mean, Mr. But Butts?

Hey...

It's Dr. Butt Butts to you!

[Audience explodes

into more laughter]

Thanks so much,

that's our show!

[Audience clapping and cheering]

That was perfect...

Hey guys! Great job tonight,

that was so good!

You wanna go in?.

That improv was so good

for being drunk.

I know. I know.

- And like you had...?

- I was drunk.

I haven't seen you

around the theatre.

Are you new in town?

No, I've been around

pretty much constantly.

I moved from Austin

about two years ago.

Dude, I love Austin.

South By Southwest!

Yeah.

Austin, it's pretty great, but

they call it "The Velvet Rut,"

because it's so laid back that

people there lose their ambition.

Velvet Rut, that's a good name

for something.

That's funny.

Did you guys know that Emily's got

over 20 million views on YouTube?

Oh, my God.

She's like a celebrity.

It's exclusively

from perverts,

mostly in the Ukraine.

Oh my God.

It's just this one video

that got out of control.

What's the vid?

Honestly,

it's too stupid to talk about.

Wow, you have

really low self-esteem.

[Emily laughing]

[Colleague mimicking her laugh]

Lucas, you teach a 401, right?

Are you going to take it

for the eighth time?

I'm taking it

for the eighth time.

I'm already enrolled.

You want me to get you

another round of something?

Yeah, sure, that'd be great.

And maybe later, I can

take you home and f*** you?

[Theme comes up]

[Sound of falling shoes]

[Theme music gets softer]

Emily...

[Sighs]

Hey, is this funny?

Is this funny?

What?

Where there's smoke,

there's me smoking weed?

- Sure...

- Yeah?

- Uh-huh.

- That's funny.

Uh-huh.

[More sighs]

Woah!

What are you doing?

I'm just gonna tweet it out.

- Dude, I'm...

- I know.

See, I didn't want

to mess up the joke.

I'm putting it away.

Hey, Emily, I'm okay...

We're okay?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, we're okay.

[Mobile buzzing]

What? Seriously?

No, that's not my phone.

Oh, f***. Give me a minute.

[Message tone]

Oh, sh*t.

It's my ex, I'm sorry.

We haven't talked for a while.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry

I didn't answer earlier

I was swamped all day,

is everything okay?

Oh my God.

Oh...

Oh my God, oh my God.

Ahhh...

How long does he have?

Oh, no!

Oh my God.

[Theme music comes up]

[Announcements on

PA system in airport]

- Hi, let me help you here.

- No. I got it.

I've got plenty

of room back here,

- Come on, it's no problem.

- I want to hold on to my bag.

- You sure?

- Yes.

Okay, go ahead

and get in the car.

Right there.

My name is Ida.

(Singing)

Ida, Sweet as apple cider...

Welcome to Austin!

[Theme music comes up softly]

I hope you enjoy the trip.

Is it business or pleasure?

Neither.

I'm a pretty good driver

most of the time.

[Laughing]

I hope you give me five stars.

It would be helpful. Oops!

[Car hits pothole]

Oops.

[Theme music comes up softly]

[Theme music fades out]

- Hi.

- How can I help you?

I'm here to see a patient,

Mr. Roosevelt.

And you are...?

I'm his...

He's my cat.

I'll let the vet

know you're here.

[Sound of pens falling on floor]

Have a seat.

Hey.

You look great.

Thank you.

You look...

very thin.

So what happened?

He hasn't been eating

for a week.

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