Mrs. Doubtfire

Salutations, snack.

On second thought...

Police! Civic authorities! ASPCA! ASAP!

Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped!

No, birdnapped!

A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet.

Eat your heart out, Julia Child.

Excuse me, but isn't it customary

for the jailbird to get one telephone call?

In your case, I think not.

Afternoon snacks have few civil liberties.

But I'm not wholly without heart.

How about a nice soothing cigarette?

Oh, I will not do this. I cannot!

Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die!

I don't want to get beak cancer.

No! My lungs are blackened!

Here we go again.

Cut, cut, cut! Roll it back.

- Help me...

- What are you doing? Daniel...

That line is not in the script.

Why did you add it?

- I wanted to comment on the situation.

- What situation?

Shoving a cigarette into Pudgie's mouth

is morally irresponsible.

This is a cartoon,

not a friggin' Oprah Winfrey Special.

Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon.

It's like telling them "Light up. "

You can't put words in Pudgie's mouth

if his mouth isn't moving.

It's voice-over. An interior monologue.

Maybe even the voice of God.

Pudgie, don't smoke.

- Actors.

- What? Let's ask the technicians.

Do you think it's morally right

to promote smoking to the youth of America?

- They're biased. That's a mistrial.

- This session costs the studio thousands.

If you want a paycheck, stick to the script.

If you want to play Gandhi,

then do it on somebody else's time.

Then I've got to do what I've got to do.

That's very funny.

Where the hell are you goin'?

If you leave, you're not comin' back in.

I'm not takin' any crap from you, pal.

Well, in the words of Porky Pig:

Piss off, Lou.

- So what about that history test?

- Don't ask.

- Did you have fun in school?

- I painted a picture of a rainbow.

- Dad?

- Daddy!

Daddy!

- I thought you couldn't pick us up.

- Well, I got off early.

- You mean you got fired?

- No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.

Actors.

Dude, congratulations on your

- A stripper?

- Ooh, please!

- Two strippers?

- Hoo-hah, boy!

- A party?

- Yes!

No. No parties.

Mom said you couldn't have one

because of your report card.

Mom's not gonna be

home for another four hours, is she?

Prepare yourself... for the wild kingdom.

Coming up toward the very end.

There she goes. And she wins that race.

Come on off now. Here we go.

You want to feed him?

See if this guy will.

Sorry.

Get out!

- Gregory, Henderson and Hillard.

- Miranda Hillard, please.

I know what you're going for with these

murals, but perhaps if they weren't so large.

And let's do steel windows, not wood.

Eliminate the Oriental rug.

Let's try an Aubusson carpet.

- More pink than red.

- Good idea.

Union Square Inn. This is better.

More Arts and Crafts. A Dirk Van Erp lamp,

a Stickley chair. Don't be seduced by chintz.

Excuse me. Miranda,

can I speak to you for a minute?

- Yes. Excuse me.

- Certainly.

Just be one minute.

I just got off the phone

with a Stuart Dunmeyer.

- Stuart Dunmeyer?

- He said you were acquaintances.

Stuart Dunmeyer?

He's putting millions into restoring

the old Wellman mansion on Nob Hill.

- He wants to make it into a $500-a-night B&B.

- Yes, I read about it.

- He's been doing very well.

- That's him.

And he specifically asked for you, Miranda.

He did?

- I told him you'd call first thing tomorrow.

- Yes, I will.

Miss Hillard? The operator

has a Gloria Chaney on hold.

- She says it's an emergency.

- Excuse me.

Gloria?

- Oh, my God!

- Is this your residence, ma'am?

Yes, I'm sorry to say it is.

Are you aware it's illegal to possess

barnyard animals in a residential area?

- What if you're married to one?

- We're also responding to a noise violation.

I'm going to respond myself.

I'm awfully sorry about this.

You ate my begonias! God!

Get out of my way!

Miranda! Whassup?

You're home early, girlfriend.

Havin' a birthday in the house.

What the hell is going on around here?

Don't get mad, honey. Listen.

You're home a little early. I was gonna

clean it all up before you got home.

Honey... What are you looking for?

I'd be careful.

That pony had a lot of water.

Party's over.

She called you

and you bust the birthday party. Great!

Don't you dare

make me out to be the monster here, Daniel!

You have all the fun

and I get whatever's left over.

- You chose the career.

- I have no choices here. I have no choices!

Even when I try to do something fun,

you do it ten times bigger!

I bring home a cake and gifts.

You bring the goddamn San Diego Zoo!

- And I have to clean up!

- It's not toxic waste, just a few party plates!

Why am I the only one

that feels there has to be rules?

Why do you always

make me out to be the heavy?

I don't. You do it yourself quite naturally.

- You set me up every time to be the bad guy.

- Oh, lighten up, will ya?

You spend too much time with

those corporate clones you used to despise.

I spend too much time with you, Daniel.

It's over!

It's over.

Come on, Miranda. We've got problems,

but who doesn't? We could work 'em out.

We've been trying to work them out

for 14 years.

Come on, please. Listen.

Maybe we need some help, OK?

Maybe a family therapist

will help us do this together.

It's too late for that.

Well, let's take a vacation with the kids,

as a family. Get you away from work.

You're a different person.

You really are. You're great.

Our problems would be waiting for us

when we got back.

We'll move, and hopefully

our problems won't follow us.

Daniel, please don't joke.

OK.

We've just grown apart. We're different.

- We have nothing in common.

- Oh, sure we do. We love each other.

Come on, Miranda. We love each other.

Don't we?

I want a divorce.

No.

We can't. We're a family. You know?

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, Ma, he told me all about it.

Yeah, Ma. I heard, I heard.

- Well, yeah, he's here.

- No.

Ma, he's not really in the mood to talk.

Yeah, depressed.

I mean, his marriage is ending.

My marriage is not ending.

It's just on hiatus.

Ma, I think he's in a little bit of denial.

No, we're taking good care of

your little boy. Don't worry, Mom.

- Hi, Evelyn. Thanks for the jam.

- She says you're welcome.

That beige concealer.

When are we gettin' more of it?

- Next week.

- You hear that, Ma? Next week.

Wait, hang on.

- Enough already. It's a man.

- How would you know?

B*tch.

No, Ma, not you.

I was talkin' about the dog.

Ma, listen. We got people

waitin' for us on the set.

Oh, yeah. It's a busy life, Ma.

Places to go, faces to paint.

Yeah, I'll tell him, Ma.

Don't worry, I'll tell him.

Yeah. Hold on, Ma.

She wants to know

if you want to come stay with her.

- No way.

- He says he'll think about it, Ma.

I will. All right. I love you, too.

Bye, Ma.

Hey, listen, you know you can always

stay with us just as long as you want.

Thank you, but I'm OK, really.

I mean, this is just a temporary thing.

I know Miranda. It's gonna blow over.

Mr and Mrs Hillard, although these custody

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