Mumford Page #16

MUMFORD:

You are Panda, monarch of modems.

SKIP:

That's right. And you also know that

even though I make 23% of the modems

in the world... I cannot make one

simple connection with any woman who

could truly love me.

MUMFORD:

Okay... let's say that, for now.

SKIP:

It's true, believe me. So... do you

know what I've been doing, all alone,

in my workshop, for almost two

years?... Mr. Find-the-Need-and-Fill-

It. How I spend my every solitary

hour?

Mumford shakes his head, "no."

SKIP:

Guess.

(Mumford demurs)

Go ahead, guess!

MUMFORD:

(if he must)

Jerking off?

SKIP:

No!... Although that's a good guess.

No, what I've been working on, what

the world really needs and no one

has been able to create --

(leans in, whispering)

-- a virtually life-like, humanoid,

gender-specific, anatomically

functional... sexual surrogate slash

companion.

Mumford tries to put that all together. Finally --

MUMFORD:

Slash what?

SKIP:

Sexual surrogate... slash...

companion.

MUMFORD:

A doll?

SKIP:

No, Doc, not a doll. I am Panda. I'm

talking about much, much more than a

doll. The world has never seen what

I'm talking about... except maybe in

the movies.

Mumford considers that a long time, watching as the sun

finally sinks below the horizon. He looks back at Skip.

MUMFORD:

How's it coming?

SKIP:

You don't think I'm insane?

MUMFORD:

("no")

And that's your secret?

(Skip:
"yes")

You meant -- like a trade secret?

SKIP:

No, Doc, a private secret! It's

perverted, it's pitiful. What am I --

Dr. Frankenstein? Aren't you repulsed?

MUMFORD:

Sounds like kind of a good idea.

SKIP:

(nonplussed)

Really?

MUMFORD:

Definitely.

It's getting dark fast now. Mumford reaches into his bag and

takes out the headlamp we saw earlier. He fits the straps

carefully over his head.

MUMFORD:

Skip, that's not much of a secret.

SKIP:

(hurt)

It's not?

MUMFORD:

Oh, it's okay. It's just not something

to be ashamed of. Maybe you don't

want people knowing -- and believe

me, it's safe with me -- but on the

scale of dirty little secrets, I'd

give it, say... a two.

Mumford twists the headlamp and the light shines out in the

dusk. Mumford turns the beam directly at Skip.

MUMFORD:

You want to know a secret? I'll tell

you a secret. Since it's just between

us and all...

Skip, hanging on every word now, agrees emphatically.

MUMFORD:

The secret, Skip, is this -- I am

not now, nor have I ever been... a

psychologist.

At first, Skip thinks he's misunderstood Mumford. But in the

huge silence that ensues, he replays it and knows he's heard

right. Mumford looks around, adjusts his headlamp, and gets

up.

MUMFORD:

We'd better get going. Just follow

my light. And, Skip, watch your step.

EXT. MUMFORD'S PORCH, THE DUPLEX HOUSE - NIGHT

This porch is directly above Lily's porch. Mumford and Skip

sit nursing beers. There's a cooler on the floor. Mumford's

legs are propped up on the porch railing

SKIP:

Who else knows?

MUMFORD:

Just you.

SKIP:

It's time you did some talkin', Dr.

Mum -- Wait a minute. That is your

name, isn't it?

Mumford takes a drink of beer.

SKIP:

Damn! What is your name?

MUMFORD:

Doesn't matter. You can call me Doc.

SKIP:

It matters to me.

Mumford gestures: "sorry, no can do."

SKIP:

I've told you a lot of private stuff.

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