Music From Another Room Page #4

I would've hired Houdini.

Let's look at these

plans over here.

Have 'em cleaned by lunch,

Michelangelo.

So, yeah, it's a feminist

theater company.

"Actors Without D*cks. "

Catchy.

There's no parts for women,

and we're doing something about it.

- Lf that's all right with you.

- That's fine. Ladies' first.

Absolutely.

It's like a Diane Arbus

audition in here.

Danny, I saved you your favorite

Danish pastry, the one you like.

- You spoil me, Clara.

- You deserve it.

- Look at all this sugar. It's poison.

- Come on. I've only got 10 minutes.

Anyway, the only guy we cast in the play

got a real job, so he had to leave.

Wait a minute. Did you just

stick your tongue out at me?

Look, Danny, this filthy semi-literate

yahoo wants to do me!

- Dreams do come true!

- It's her medication. Karen!

Sure, I want to.

Right now. Right here on this table.

- I didn't mean to bother you.

- Why not?

The way that jelly clings to your chin,

it's so sexy. Look at you!

And that pasty white gut

cascades over your belt...

...like water in a dream.

- What more could a woman want?

- What, you think we don't have brains?

I don't think you have

central nervous systems.

- Can I have one of these?

- Karen, come on.

Karen!

Excuse me.

I work with these guys.

Have some respect.

I hate that sh*t!

They think you're beautiful.

What's the big deal?

Please!

I'm a disaster.

Look at me.

I'm 29 years old.

You know how old I'm

going to be next year?

30?

Don't mock me.

Do you want to do the part or not?

No. I'm sorry.

I can't act.

That doesn't stop anyone

else in show business.

Unfortunately you can't have any lines,

because you're a man.

You stand on stage like a prop.

That shouldn't be hard for you.

I would like to help,

but I'm working now.

Anna's making the costumes.

Is she?

My God, you're all the same.

What?

You're about as

subtle as a truck.

I just licked my lips.

- At least you don't go for the easy ones.

- What do you mean?

You foam at the mouth every

time she walks into the room.

- Who?

- Who? Anna, who else?

You know, you might

actually be good for her.

Screw up her perfect little life.

- Anna has a perfect life?

- She likes to think so.

You mean Eric.

He's rich, he's charming,

everyone loves him.

You play me right, though,

I can help you land my little sister.

First rehearsal's Thursday.

All right.

- Have a nice day.

- Too late.

Don't look at me.

It's to do with independence,

individuals...

No. I think good marriages...

...are really based on something in common.

You know, some couples travel,

some shop, some garden.

Billy and me, we break up.

That's what we share,

breaking up.

He has an affair,

I stop eating for a while...

...and then we have a huge fight,

and our relationship is over...

...and we break up.

But while we're doing that...

...all the passion that seeped

out of our relationship...

...comes rushing back in,

and he says:

"Please, don't leave me.

I can't live without you. "

Until we're back together and

everything's back the way it was...

...until we break up again.

- I mean, it's really kind

of pathetic, isn't it? - No.

It's whatever works for you.

Billy, give me that.

- Anna has a secret admirer.

- Okay, but just please give it to her.

I'm gonna strangle you.

Sometimes I really think about leaving him,

but then I don't...

...'cause I really think that would

force us together even more.

Billy, he's a moron.

He's a good moron, though.

- Billy doesn't get anything.

- Thank you.

What did I miss?

Look at this.

Anna has a secret admirer.

He's probably a teenager

who works at the garden.

How do you know it's a he?

I'm sorry,

I don't go for that stuff.

Eric, read it.

The male sea lion...

...wants a female.

- He rolls over, dangles his

erect member... - God, Daddy!

...in front of her, and presto...

...perpetuation

of the species.

- That's how Billy met Irene. - Don't

flatter me. That's my favorite story.

You should read this for all of us.

You know what?

Don't read it, it's not necessary.

I want to see what my competition is.

It's a poem.

"Wanted, wanted, Anna Swan. "

That's enough.

- No, no. Go on, we wanna hear.

- The public clamors, honey.

"Wanted, wanted, Anna Swan.

"Hair, blonde.

Eyes, on fire.

"Age, 9,000 days already gone. "

What's that in layman terms?

"Already in love

or maybe a liar... "

That's enough!

- Continue!

- This is good.

"Approach with caution,

Anna Swan.

"Your soul's a sitting duck.

"Armed and dangerous,

Anna Swan.

"My heart's a bell

already struck. "

Children present.

Sorry.

"I'm dying, expiring, Anna Swan.

"The experts all assure me.

"My only hope is Anna Swan.

"Only your love

can cure me. "

Let's get the cake!

- Happy birthday, Daddy.

- Happy birthday.

- Happy birthday, Bill.

- Thank you.

- Happy birthday, old man.

- Happy birthday.

Here you go.

Do you have the proper

amount of candles, Mom?

- Who took my eyeliner? Jennifer?

- Don't look at me. Emma had it.

- God, I need a cigarette.

- There's no smoking in here.

You have to fix my tail.

- Don't do that again.

- Do what again?

- Send me an anonymous poem.

- How do you know it was me?

- Who else would write such drivel?

- What do you mean, drivel?

My God, that's disgusting.

Looks like my father.

- This is mine?

- Yeah. Here are your claws.

No, you mean trotters.

Trotters, claws.

Whatever pigs have, those are them.

Anna, make sure you

put it on really tight...

...so it doesn't fly off when they

hit him with the baseball bat.

Wait. There's no baseball-bat

scene in Medea.

Don't worry.

We put padding on the inside. See?

Okay? It's a big house out there,

everybody.

You look great.

Break a leg!

Places!

Okay, that should hold,

so don't be pulling on it again.

Don't let your tail drag.

Your mom liked my poem.

Please. "My heart's a bell already struck,"

or something like that.

- No, that was it. That was it exactly.

- I told you, natural fabrics.

- I cannot wear anything but natural

fabrics. - Switch with Helen.

- Green? You can't be serious.

- You look nice in green. Really.

No!

You know what?

You're not fooling anyone, you know.

I mean, everyone knows it.

It's so obvious.

You're getting into all of our lives

to be around me, so end it!

- I can't.

- Why?

Because I love you.

- Please! Are you always this insipid?

- No. You inspire me.

Finally. A purpose in life.

Pick up your tail.

Anna, please.

Run away with me.

Run away with me and

marry me tomorrow.

- I'm being seduced by a 6-foot pig.

- Story of my life. Come on.

You know, does it bother you at all

that I'm engaged to be married?

- I think you should have a choice.

- Thank you. I love choices.

Let me think.

I'll choose Eric.

- That wasn't very hard, was it?

- It didn't seem to be.

- You want to know why?

- Not really.

No?

I'm gonna tell you why.

First, there's the fact that I have

everything in common with Eric...

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