Must Love Dogs

The best place to meet a guy | is the supermarket.

You see a guy holding a list, | you know he's married.

He's in the frozen-food section | carrying a small basket, he's single.

I hang out by fruits and vegetables. | Better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.

Probably the best place | is Home Depot or any hardware store.

You just walk up | to the cutest guy and say:

"Do you know where I can get nailed? | I mean, nails?

Pardon me, | I've been drinking all afternoon."

And that way he knows, | one, that you're easy...

...and two, that you like to drink.

I thought a great place to meet girls would | be night school where they teach English.

Because these girls | would be from foreign lands...

...and maybe still a little disoriented | from the journey...

...and I would look attractive | because I speak English very goodly.

But in the end, | it did not work out as I had hoped.

I mean, basically, I was told to | take a hike in 14 languages.

Where do you meet people? | I don't know, they're everywhere.

Why, is there a problem?

No. No way, | I'm not going out with this guy.

Just call him. Say hello. | He's in my book club.

- Why is there a woman here? | - It's his wife.

They're separated, but he didn't want | to Photoshop her out...

...if you're not interested. | They are in Hawaii.

It's the Four Seasons. | This could be you in the photograph.

Aloha.

- Well, if you change your mind. | - I've got a picture too.

Is that why you're all here? | The whole family?

- Everyone has a picture for me? | - This is an intervention, Sarah.

- He's great. | - A beautiful girl like you can't just give up.

There's life after divorce.

You were married to the same woman | for 45 years, Dad.

- What do you know about divorce? | - Precious little, I admit.

The black specter of two lives | torn asunder.

Not helping, Dad.

I wish your mother were here, | God rest her soul.

- She'd know what to say. | - "Put on another pot of tea."

That's what she'd say. | The Irish answer to all problems.

- Well, it worked most of the time. | - Who is this?

I have no idea, but if you're interested, | I'll Google him.

Is this it for food in this house, | like, eight crackers?

And what are these? | Are these bananas?

- I think they were at one time. | - I'll take one.

- I guess I forgot to shop this month. | - What are you gonna do, sis?

- I mean, really, it's been eight months. | - Dad's giving-up idea sounds intriguing.

I could become the crazy aunt | who moves in down in the basement.

Put a cot in for me, some herbal teas. | I'd like to get a dog, if that's okay?

Marc, don't you have | a friend for Sarah?

"A Friend for Sarah." I'm now an episode | of "Little House on the Prairie".

- Come on, you must know somebody. | - Not really.

But if you want to have an affair, | I do know a couple of married guys.

- We'll let that be our fallback, okay? | - Okay.

- An affair, that's a terrific idea. | - My husband to the rescue.

Don't cover mine.

I think affairs should go | on the other side.

Yeah.

Hey, Jake.

Hey, Charlie.

Divorce is final.

You're a free man.

I don't know if... is the | appropriate sentiment. Four years...

...woman I loved, I got my ass kicked. | - High-five.

Not that kind of moment either.

- Down low? | - Just because I want this to stop.

You are officially the worst client | I've ever had.

- Thank you. | - Let Lisa have everything.

Even the judge wanted you to keep | those boxing gloves.

- She really liked you. | - I liked her too, as far as judges go.

No. I mean, really.

Wow, that's a good-looking Cougar.

Excellent stuff. You think she'd like | to buy a handmade, stainable teak boat?

Maybe if it came with private lessons.

Everybody wants all that Tupperware...

...those computer-designed, | fiberglass-composite things.

I mean, don't even look like boats.

They look like boats when they | whiz by your wooden guy.

That was one race, and I've made | some adjustments, Charlie.

- Wood boats can win, trust me on that. | - They can't win.

That's why people don't want them.

They can't win, | but they lose beautifully.

And the whole experience | is just better. Look at this.

I'm making these boats | the exact same way...

...the Spanish and the Portuguese | made their ships of exploration.

There's a continuity | at stake here, Charlie.

This is more than a boat.

- This is a time machine. | - lf you paid this much attention to Lisa...

...you'd still be together. | - This is true.

But you know what? If I had to do it | it all over again, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't. | Lisa taught me about sadness...

...about human frailty...

...and how unbearably fleeting | happiness can be.

- I'm gonna owe her for the rest of my life. | - Oh, you'll be paying. Monthly.

Hope you don't mind | that I brought Mother Teresa.

Are you kidding? I love this girl. | Mother Teresa, do you have a friend for me?

Hey, is everything all right at home?

Yeah, Jennifer just gets tired | of all the family gatherings.

Too many old stories. | It makes her feel left out.

Yeah. Kevin used to say that.

- I still say it. | - I say it too.

It seems hard now, Sarah, I know...

...but you get a chance to make | a new life for yourself.

Thank you, but in | the marketplace of available women...

Any guy would be lucky to get you. | You're smart, you're funny...

...even pretty when | you're not wallowing in self-pity.

Am I wallowing? Really?

You're not the wallower | in the family. Carol is the wallower.

Me? I never wallow. | I suffer in silence.

- No, that's Christine. | - Thank you, Michael.

No, no.

- Sylvia Plath. | - This is why people...

...don't have large families anymore.

- Bye. I love you. | - Bye.

- Bye, Bill. | - Love you, Carol.

- See you, Dad. | - Thank you, I think.

Bye, Chris. Bye.

- See you later, Dad. | - Bye, Daddy.

Bye.

There's someone special | waiting for you, Sarah.

I know it. Someone worthy.

Kevin was not, on his best day...

...good enough for you, sweetheart.

Now you tell me.

Why not?

You know I love you and I love Lisa, | but I think you're both better off.

We sure weren't making each other | happy there at the end.

Or the beginning.

Or the middle.

I mean, don't get me wrong, we all | wanted to sleep with Lisa, but marriage...

- That's not right. | - I said that out loud, didn't I?

- You did. | - I better strike that from the record.

No, lawyers get to do that. | I'm instructing you to disregard that.

I think women have | the whole thing planned.

Really, the whole thing.

An epic narrative in their heads. | You know my theory about this?

When you meet, | they have the whole story written.

But you don't get to read it.

But if you go off script...

...right? They write you out | of the story.

I got written out of Act 3.

Now you're in Act 4, where I get you | banged every night of the week.

Charlie, I'm toast. I just got shredded. | I am...

- It's time, healing time. I'm on the bench. | - Hey. Hey.

I'm out of the game. | Bench me, bench me.

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