Must Love Dogs Page #2

- Hey. | - Benched.

I'll be right with you.

- Hi. Can I help you? | - Single chicken breast, please.

For an extra 75 cents, | you can get the whole fryer here.

Two breasts, two thighs and a wing.

Thank you. I don't know | when I'd eat all that.

- It's just an extra 75 cents. | - It's not the 75 cents.

I hate to see food go bad.

We got a hundred recipes. | You can cook them, freeze them and...

Look, listen to me, mister. | I'm divorced, okay?

I eat alone, | usually standing over the sink.

I don't want chicken | hanging around, okay?

- Okay. | - Thank you.

Hey. There she is.

- Good morning. How are you? | - Good morning.

I called you last night | to see if you were up for a movie...

...or bowling or group shampooing. | - I'm sorry. Eric's parents are in town.

Mr. and Mrs. Stalin. | I'm under house arrest.

- Weren't they just here? | - Thank you.

I don't know why they can't stay at | a hotel. Nothing I do makes them happy.

And they make Eric so nervous, | he's like the Tin Man.

You have to hang in there, Leo. | You and Eric are my model...

...for a successful relationship. | - I fear for you, child.

Anyone have anything exciting | happen this weekend to share?

My Uncle Mike slept over.

Uncles and aunts | are very important to us, aren't they?

He's not really my uncle, | but my mommy makes me call him that.

When he's there, I can't sleep with | my mommy because he's in her bed.

Anyone else have anything | they'd like to share?

Yes, Austin.

My parents are trying it | apart for a while.

- We have a theme, June. | - Yes, we do.

And Mom says my dad is incorrigible. | That means he likes other women.

Good.

One, two.

Let me try.

That's a hop.

One, two, that's a new step. | Very good.

- Molly, you wanna try the sticks? | - Yeah, come on, Molly.

Very good. Keep it going like that.

- Watch. | - No, I'm doing it.

Austin!

Good Lord, it's a gusher.

Let me see your teeth.

- Hey, bubba. | - Look who's here.

Daddy!

- Are you all right? | - Yep, I'm fine.

He had a decent bloody nose | for a while, but he's fine now.

- You didn't have to rush right over. | - A kid bleeds, I show up. It's house rules.

- You wanna get your stuff together now? | - Yeah.

- Then I need a minute alone with Ms. Nolan. | - Okay. Bye, Ms. Nolan.

Bye.

No. No. No.

So, Ms. Nolan...

- Sarah, please. | - And I'm Bob.

Actually, everybody calls me Bobby.

I've been trying to change it | since third grade.

I'm a pushover for Bobbys...

...ever since my first boyfriend, | Bobby Healy, just...

You know?

I forget, is it "always discuss your personal | history with parents" or "never discuss"?

It's "always discuss." | Besides, I find it comforting.

So has Austin told you | anything about...?

- About you and... | - Yeah.

That you're taking a break from | your marriage and you're incorrigible.

That phrasing came from his mother.

- I wouldn't have put it that way, but... | - I'm sorry.

If there's anything you think | I need to know, tell me.

- I will. | - Sometimes with Austin, you can forget.

- Because he seems so mature. | - I know.

The other day he asked | about my retirement plan.

Well, he cares about you, and he | wants you to be financially secure.

You know Austin adores you. | I can see why.

- Thank you, Bob. | - I might prefer Bobby after all.

I mean, I like the... | I like the history.

Two guys alone in the afternoon | watching "Doctor Zhivago".

- There's something gravely wrong here. | - It's all there, man.

The yearning, the suffering, | a woman you'll pursue...

...through blizzards, across continents.

A love so real, | even after you're dead it still hurts.

- That's all I want. | - You need to get out.

- You do. You need to see real people. | - You wanna watch it again?

No. I want to go out. Come on, | I previewed some Internet ads for us.

Internet ads? Come on, | I want Zhivago's Internet ad:

"Tragic doctor/poet | in desperate pain seeks...

...like-minded playmate | for long snowshoe across Eurasia."

What do you bet he gets | a hundred responses?

We'll start with bisexual | Asian women who fly-fish.

- No Internet ads. | - This is for you. I hate to fly-fish.

- No, you don't. | - What about Sherry?

- I gave you her number. You never called. | - Sherry?

Sherry's 24. Her range of interest | extends from kickboxing to Tae Bo.

She slept with half the guys | in my office.

Then why do you want | to set me up with her?

She slept with half the guys | in my office.

She's in her early 20s. You know | the epic narrative I talked about?

Hers would not only be secret, | it would be incoherent.

I wouldn't get past the cover page.

I mean, I'm looking | for something more than Sherry.

"Hopelessly romantic, | young 50s widower...

...seeks lady friend who enjoys | the slow bloom of affection.

Loves dogs, children | and long, meandering bike rides.

I will be carrying | a single yellow rose."

- I gotta meet this guy. | - Where are your boob shirts?

- My what? | - Your boob shirts.

- Don't worry, I brought some of mine. | - Oh, boob shirts.

- I can't wear that. | - Okay, I have some dating tips for you.

I got them from "Sports Illustrated". | Solid gold.

Yes, that's always been my bible | for personal relationships.

At least listen to the tips.

- Your sister has gone to a lot of trouble. | - Okay.

"One, maintain eye contact.

But be sure it isn't too intense. | You aren't a hawk eyeing its prey."

Good that you told me. | I might have done my hawk thing.

"Two, men respond sexually when | they think women are excited by them."

- Really? | - "The more you like what you see...

...the more your pupils | will open wide to take it all in."

Open your pupils.

Oh, my God.

- I'm dating again. I can't do this! | - It's okay. Come on.

- No, you'll be fine, it's okay. | - It'll be fun.

What if he wants to have sex? | What if I want to?

You don't understand. It's been | a long time, Christine. I could freak out.

What if I can't control myself?

You're meeting for muffins | in a public place. I think you'll be safe.

- Dad? | - Sarah.

My darling girl.

Darling, don't you put | the sunshine to shame.

What are you doing here?

That's a fine how-do-you-do | from one of my favorite daughters.

I'm sorry, it's just that I'm meeting a... | Why do you have a yellow...?

- Is that a rose? | - It is a rose, if the truth be told.

But by any other name...

- And it's for a lady friend, isn't it? | - That is, in fact, the very purpose.

- No! | - Now, Sarah, come on.

It is a natural course of this life that | your dad would have a lady friend by now.

I feel your mother whispering her | approval to me every day.

And would this lady friend | be someone who might enjoy...

...the slow bloom of affection, perhaps?

That would be grand, yes.

I'm your date, Dad.

I am. I answered | my own father's personal ad.

Don't laugh. It's not funny!

It shows I brought you up to know | the diamond from the riffraff.

A young 50, Dad? You're 71.

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