Must Love Dogs Page #3

And when was the last time | you rode a bike?

- Meandering or any other way? | - Well, think of it as poetry, darling.

As who I am | in the bottom of my soul.

And, Sarah, my darling.

- What? | - I'm glad you've started dating again.

Dad, please. This is disturbing | on so many levels.

- At least let me have the rose. | - I can't.

I'm seeing someone else at 4:00.

Leave a message if you want to.

Sarah, it's me, Christine. Pick up.

I already talked to Dad.

- No one.

Come on, Carol has to know.

I once know something before she does?

She's there with you, isn't she?

- No. | - Hello, Carol.

I didn't know about this before...

Uncle Chet. We could have doubled.

Oh, no.

This story is going to be immortalized | into family history, isn't it?

Told and retold | at Thanksgiving dinner, year after year.

I think it's a good Christmas story too.

- Wait.

how would you rate Dad as a date?

Hot, super hot?

Don't be mad at me for this, okay?

The last time you said that to me | you stole my boyfriend. Danny Shea.

I did not steal Danny Shea.

- I haven't forgiven you, by the way. | - Stop. He was a terrible kisser.

- He kissed just fine with me. | - Okay. Here goes.

I went online, pretended I was you...

...and put your profile | on PerfectMatch. com.

You're making this up.

You can't just sit back | and passively answer...

...other people's ads anymore. | We are on offense.

Well, forgive me if I'm a tad gun-shy | after my last date with my father.

Come on, at least look at your profile.

That's my high school | graduation picture.

That's all I had. | That or your wedding photo.

"Voluptuous"? Carol!

Every woman listed claims | to be at least voluptuous.

Some are "gorgeous inside and out," | most are "sexually confident."

"Voluptuous, sensuous DWF seeks | special man to share starlit nights.

- Must love dogs." | - I put that in for you.

And yet I'm still pissed.

I must have done something right. | You have 18 responses.

You listened to them, didn't you?

I like three, 11 and 14. | Christine likes two and eight.

Michael liked them all. | But you decide for yourself.

Do you mean big breasts...

... or do you mean fat?

I love dogs too.

but you could probably already tell that.

Yo.

I'm an attorney.

I like opera. Don't delete me.

So anyway, I get all dressed up...

...and I walk down the stairs and I see...

...my father sitting there | holding a single yellow rose.

And it dawns on me...

- Is something wrong? | - Well, no offense, it's just...

I thought you'd be younger, that's all.

Well, you said your age range | was 25 to 45.

I guess I was hoping more for 25.

Twenty-three.

Eighteen. That's legal.

It's nice to be out.

I've been feeling kind of blue lately.

I know, you mentioned on the phone, | Lennie, that you've... Kind of depressed.

- Did I cry? | - Well, a little bit.

I've been on 17 first dates this year.

No second dates.

One went...

...to check her coat | and never came back.

One jumped out at the light | when it changed.

Well, we're almost through the salad. | That's a good sign.

No.

Lennie.

Please. Don't.

Please. Lennie. No.

Clap your hands

If you're happy

Clap your hands

Oh, God!

Come on, get up. | Get her. Get her.

Damn.

Don't be upset. | I come from a large family.

Lots of male cousins, brothers. | Used to this sort of thing.

Three out of five.

- Oh, that's all right. Maybe later. | - Come on.

- Your table's almost ready. | - Good. We're working up an appetite.

Food here is fabulous. | It's not cheap, though.

Well, I offered to pay my half.

And what did I tell you?

"Marshall's girls don't pay."

Beautiful.

You'd look really good in handcuffs.

Charlie, my boy, | some nice-looking pieces here.

- Really? I didn't see anyone. | - I meant the artwork.

- Bet this cost a bundle. | - Hey, guys.

- Hi! | - Speaking of artwork.

- Hi, Sherry. | - Hi, Charlie. Hi, Jake.

How are you? Let's do two.

- That's how they do it in France. | - You having fun?

Well, I feel sorry for the artist | at these things.

All this talent on display, | and everybody here's just trying to get laid.

I know I am.

You never called me, mister. | I waited and waited.

I know I am.

I'm sorry, Sherry, it's just that I'm not ready | right now to be in a serious relationship.

And with somebody as wonderful | and as beautiful as you...

...I just wouldn't expect | anything less.

- Why can't you be sweet like that, huh? | - Sherry!

- Hey, guys. | - Short attention span.

You're a sick guy, you know that?

Just another in a long line | of colossal mistakes.

I'm not answering an Internet ad.

Look at this. "Voluptuous and sensuous. | Must love dogs." Wonderful.

Look at the picture.

Well, she is appealing.

She'll be good-looking | when she grows up.

I'm surfing porn sites like always...

...I keep getting kicked over | to PerfectMatch. com...

...which is not where I want to be...

...and this girl's profile keeps repeating, like | a sign from heaven. And I thought of you.

Tell the prom queen thanks, but no. | I'm still benched.

Too late. You're meeting her at 11. | Bring a dog.

No, I'm not.

It's okay.

Stop that growling!

Use your words.

Stop, sit.

Stop, sit.

- Stop. Sit. | - I don't think he knows "stop" or "sit."

- What else have you got? | - Bruno, focus.

Roll over and play dead.

- Hey, look at that. Look at that. | - That's very impressive.

- You Sarah? | - Jake.

- Yeah, hi. | - Yeah. Hi.

I didn't recognize you | without the cap and gown.

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. | - Yeah.

- This is really amazing. | - Yeah.

It is. When he plays dead, | he really plays dead.

You don't know the half of it. | He can stop his heart like a Sufi mystic.

- Does he sleep on a doggy bed of nails? | - As a matter of fact, he does.

He feels nothing. | Or perhaps he feels too much.

- I think he wants his treat now. | - You think so?

While he's playing dead? | It might ruin the effect.

- I don't know. He's your dog. | - He's not. He's my friend Charlie's.

- So you're here under false pretenses. | - No, not at all.

You said "must love dogs," | not "must own dogs." I do love dogs.

In fact, I had one with my ex.

She was allergic, | went into anaphylactic shock.

So we had to put her down. Dog.

Not the wife. I'm kidding about both.

This is a beautiful canine | you have here.

- Hi. | - Yes, this is Mother Teresa.

Yeah, she plays with lepers?

Comforts the poor? Yeah. | How long you had her?

Technically, she's not really mine. | She's my brother's.

I'm shocked and saddened.

- False pretenses. | - Well, we are related. She's family.

And I do really love dogs, | and my ex was allergic also.

Yes, he often had | "anaphyphlectic" shock.

You're making that up.

- Yes, I am. | - Me too.

Tell me, I'm just curious | about one thing.

Why did you write "voluptuous"?

- Oh, my... | - No! I did not mean to be rude at all.

It's just that voluptuous, | that tends to go the other way...

...when someone uses that phrase.

Towards the full-figured end | of the spectrum.

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