My Bodyguard

Hang on a second.

Ah, the Compleat Angler.

Big day tomorrow.

Hi.

Hey, Cliffie, how you doing?

- Gettin' ready for school tomorrow?

- Yeah.

Listen, good luck.

I told him, "Hector,

"TV is a narcotic.

"It drains away your manhood

if you watch it all the time."

It's a drug.

Exactly.

A drug.

There he is, a young fellow,

only 67 years old,

already his eyes are

turning into headlights.

It got to where...

I practically had

to drag him to bed.

Well, that's

what busted us up.

Oh, hey...

these are the Dumpys

from Cincinnati.

Dunphys.

He makes those

cute "get well" cards.

She writes the verses.

You got any X-rated cards?

Not as yet, Mrs. Peache.

Oh.

Say, that looks delicious.

Why don't you

squeeze a little shot

of lemon in there...

a little zing to it.

Live a little, huh?

Now, where...

Oh, yeah.

Everything is under control.

Hi, Dad.

She has no access

to the room keys.

I can't do that.

She's my mother.

It was nothing more than

a misunderstanding.

Mm-hmm.

Griffith is not the manager

of this hotel.

I am. Trust me, okay?

405's done.

I'll finish 406 tomorrow.

Tomorrow? When?

After lunch.

That's too late.

You want miracles?

Hold on.

Marty, wait.

- She's not in the pump room.

- Oh, God.

I can't be everywhere.

I'm on my break.

- She's in the bar.

- Alone?

I'm outta here.

I got a union meeting.

I'll call you back, okay?

Bye.

Where is he?

As usual, we're operating

like a well-oiled machine.

Have time for dinner?

Come on.

Yes, Griffith.

Mr. Peache,

things are going badly.

The fourth floor is a disaster.

Mrs. Dunphy...

alleges that her husband was

propositioned by an elderly lady.

And we know who that was.

Senator Byrum has had

his suite double-booked.

Okay, I'll take care of

Mrs. Dunphy and the senator,

and you take care

of the fourth floor.

You, young man,

still have to eat.

I'll try and join you.

Okay?

Hello. Hello, miss.

Have you seen a...

You wouldn't be Mrs. Dunphy?

For crying out loud, you were

described so differently.

This is your father?

Bats!

Bats!

I'm sorry.

Did I scare you?

No. I saw you.

You did not, you little liar.

Nobody suspects a bat attack.

I saw it coming a mile off.

No, no.

Don't you strike a woman.

Men think women want that.

They're wrong.

Leave her before you strike her.

Put that pillow down.

That's it.

Ow!

Stop it.

All right, I quit.

Oh, you dirty rotten kid.

You never take my advice.

Look what I got you.

A brand-new notebook,

a pack of paper,

and, uh... pens

and pencils and an eraser.

I always loved

opening day of school.

I loved going in

the stationery stores.

They smell so terrific.

Lumberyards, too.

And bookstores.

Yeah. Nothing smells

better than a new book.

Mother!

Mother.

Mother...

Mother.

How did you know

I was back there?

A little heavy

on theJungle Gardenia.

Ooh, that smell lured

1,000 men into my clutches.

Your clutches...

is precisely the subject

of tonight's sermon.

We've talked

about it many times.

I like the

"Thou shalt nots."

I don't own this hotel.

I manage it.

Where would it

be without you?

With a new manager.

Griffith watches me

like a vulture.

That greasy wimp.

He says you tried to pick up

some guy from Cincinnati.

A married man, Mom.

We were talking.

We had a few drinks.

It was perfectly innocent.

His wife was there all the time.

Okay.

Where do you

suggest we go

when they kick us out

of this hotel?

Well, the old actors home.

I'd be a resident.

You'd be a manager.

Cliff'd be a busboy.

I'll just retire.

You're going to school

and acting like a student.

I'll act like a hotel manager.

And, Mom?

Yes, Larry.

Try...

for God's sake,

to act your age.

- Are you going to act your age?

- I'll try.

I won't try. You try.

Give 'em hell, Champ.

Pick you up at 3:00.

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Bell Rings]

Excuse me.

Is 235 that way?

[Reply Inaudible]

[Students Chattering]

Good morning.

Would you please find a seat?

Hey, I'm sitting there.

Sorry.

Hello! Would you please find a seat?

Find one you like.

It will be your seat

the entire semester.

Uh, that's saved.

Would the young man

in the blue shirt

find a seat and sit in it?

Is this saved?

Feel under the desk.

You've got gum dating back

to Neanderthal times.

Really?

The gum's not the worst.

The boogers freak me out.

You get hepatitis

from the fresh ones.

Shelley, want to go out tonight?

Ask Moody.

Who's the new kid?

I don't know.

He's kind of little.

- Ask where he's from.

- You ask him.

Weren't you in

Mr. Sanford's class last year?

No. I'm new.

- My mistake. He is new.

- [Clattering]

Ladies and degenerates,

here's Moody!

Don't applaud.

Just throw money.

Aww.

I'm sure we're all thrilled

to have Mr. Moody among us

as we begin this great adventure

known as your sophomore year.

I saved a seat for you.

Thanks a lot.

Willie, take this seat.

You grew up over the summer, baby.

Where did you get this hair?

- K-mart.

- Heh heh heh. "K-mart."

What's so funny?

Mr. Moody, please find a seat.

This sucker swiped it from me.

- I was here first.

- Bullshit.

If you can't find a seat back here,

I'd be glad to have you

come sit up front with me.

Alan Blumenthal.

Cyndie Rush.

Move over to that seat.

Ricky Linderman...

Does anybody know if

Ricky Linderman is in school?

I hope not.

Who wants him?

Who's Linderman?

No one,

just the local mass murderer.

Does anybody know if

Ricky Linderman is in school or not?

Probably in New York climbing

the Empire State building.

Thank you, Mr. Moody.

Clifford...

P-E-A-C-H-E.

- Clifford, is that "Peach" or "Peachy"?

- "Peach."

Knew he was a fruit.

[Chuckles]

What did you say, Melvin?

- Melvin?

- Melvin?

I don't go by that no more, Clarice.

Fair enough, you call me Ms. Jump.

What shall we call you?

M. Big M.

I like that.

Is that "B.M." for short?

That kid's gonna get it.

You've got nerve, even if

you're not gonna live long.

You and me, we're gonna have

a little talk after school.

Right?

Right? Huh?

You know that was so dumb

what you said to Moody.

I never saw anybody

put him down before.

- I hope you get away with it.

- Hold this, will you?

Don't let him catch you in the

halls alone, or on the stairs either.

Hold it over the bowl.

Or especially in the bathrooms.

I never go to the bathroom here,

if I can help it.

- What do you do?

- Hold it in.

Stay away from liquids.

- That's ridiculous.

- You think so?

They say one kid got thrown out

a window. He's a vegetable now.

- That's dumb. Who told you that?

- Plenty of people.

Another guy had his eye kicked out.

Total gross-out.

- Never found the eyeball either.

- How are we doing here?

What do we got?

- You've done this before.

- Yeah.

- Did Moody do that?

- What?

Kick the guy's eye out.

I'm not saying he did,

and I'm not saying he didn't.

But you're better off

paying him protection money.

- You pay Moody protection?

- Shh!

You better believe it.

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