My Fake Fiance

Not another wedding

Sure, they can be lovely

But when you're a single girl and

most of your friends are married

Let's just say, going to weddings can be treacherous

I know Courtney and Steve mean well...yet I'm

always at the losers' table

Okay, okay. I'll behave

Maybe for once the guy that they put me

next to will be...decent.

Weddings...what a joke

Beautiful Ceremony, wasnt it?

I couldn't believe they used 'thy shalt obey'

in the vows, who does that?

Actually, I was..um...I was just making a little small talk.

Great, they set me next to that guy

What do you mean 'that guy'?

Well, I'm sure you're not wearing a ring

and you're what? Mid-30s?

Uh, late 20s

It's uh...a early 30s

Let me guess, you lease a really nice car you can never buy,

you never cry in movies and you only bang hot chicks.

Have we met?

No

They're perfect for each other

So, why don't you like weddings?

It's a silly fairy tale. Marrying the man of your dreams

and living happily ever after and a gingerbread house

nestled in a field of cotton candy.

Yummy

No, I mean there's no such thing as soulmates

So, you sleep around

Sorry, I'm not your type

I don't have a type, what makes you think I have a type?

Please, you ever hear the phrase 'the clothes make the man'?

I...I don't...maybe

Well.....look at you

What?

You were invited to a formal wedding, but you obviously

couldn't afford a tuxedo,

so you decided to get away from the dark suit and

matching tie; only you don't own a dark suit

just a... navy blue blazer which judging by the lapels

what? 10 years old?

Not that you couldn't afford a new one necessarily but

because you also chose not to get it cleaned and pressed.

I'm guessing you're one of those people that just can't be

bother, as long as it still fits right why get a new one,

Am I right?

-Wow. Uh... I...

-Which would also explain the jeans and the stain on

your shirt. May I?

What are you..

Yeah, just like I thought. A clip on.

Yeah, just like I thought. A clip on.

You want me to show you?

Yeah,hey, show the world. Flash.

You don't know me

Hi, can you do me a favor? Would you mind switching

seats with me? I don't think she'll attack her own.

Beer,please. Do you know the score in the game?

Thanks.

-Thank you. I really appreciate it.

-Your Welcome, Steve.

-Congratulations, bud.

-Thanks, man.

You have service?

May I?

-How do I know you won't call a 900 number?

-I won't

Fine.

-Hey. It's Vince. Is the monkey there?

-Yeah

-How did I do today?

-Not Good

-Damn it. Crap. Yeah, I know the

monkey's looking for me

-Thank You.

So how much do you owe?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't realise how transparent you are. Either you

owe money or you're being stalked by a monkey.

It's not 'a' monkey. It's 'the' monkey

So how much do you owe 'the' monkey?

Enough.

-Congratulations.

-Thank You.

How big a haul would you say they'll take in?

Have you seen the registry? I mean who needs a

600 towel warmer?

People say gambling's throwing your money away.

Plus, when I tried to get them something,

almost all the gifts had already been bought.

And you should see the pile of gifts

she got at the bridal shower.

I bet if you added up over the years, I've

spent 20 grand in wedding gifts.

Yeah, yeah, at least. I guess in real life it's

like a savings account.

We're supposed to get that money back

one day when we get married.

We? Like I'd marry a guy like you.

Really? I was kind of hoping we'd grow old together

Besides the hernia and the back spasms,

I think that went very well.

-I owe you one, Moving is the biggest drag there is

-So you still scared?

I have no margin for error. I put all my savings into

the down payment. What if I get laid off?

Am I crazy for doing this?

Look, you've been saving for six years to buy your first place.

You'll be fine.As long as you don't buy food or gas

or, God forbid, turn on a light.

Ugh. Well, my whole food thing is overrated.

I'll just really miss this place. Seven years,

three boyfriends, four crash diets.

Ugh. That cabbage and cayenne-pepper thing almost killed me.

I'm just gonna go take one last look around.

All right, I'll use the little boys' room.

It's great that you're moving into Courtney and Steve's building.

Yeah, I wouldn't have found the apartment otherwise.

I meant that they'll be there to help us unload on the other end.

Don't you wish? They're still on their honeymoon.

-I'll meet you outside.

-Okay.

-Uh, Jennifer?

-Alright. I'll put it back.

Can I show you something?

-What happened?

-There's a slight possibility that I might have

left the keys in the ignition.

You are no longer my gay boyfriend.

Be the coffee maker. Be the coffee maker.

The Monkey sends his regards.

Fellas, how sweet. You decided to stop by, huh?

A phone call would have sufficed.

Yeah, listen, you've got something for him.

You have to tell the monkey I need some more time.

Fellas, come on. There's got to be a choice.

There's always a choice, right?

Yeah, like we can leave you in here on the floor in a

crumpled mess or out there on the tracks.

I'll let you decide.

Those are the only choices?

That's a bad cough, Vince. You might want to get that

checked out.

- Now, we'll be back next week. Either you have the

money by then or...?

- Yes.

It'll be monkey business?

I was just going to say break some bones, but that was

way more clever. You know, you're smarter than you look.

You guys are really a cliche, you know that?

- We are not.

- Are too.

- We are not.

Let's get out of here

-Congratulations.

-Excuse Me?

Oh well, I couldn't help but notice.You know,

there's an easier way to do that.

Everything is computerised these days,

so just choose what you want,

aim the gun at the barcode and pull the trigger.

It's a lot of fun.

Wow. This is fun.

Here you go. You know what they say?

It pays to get married.

-'Hey, it's Courtney. Leave me a message'.

-Hey, Courtney. It's Jennifer.I hope you guys are

having a great time on your honeymoon.

But, listen, um, there was a guy at the wedding.

I think his name was Vince.

Well, we were talking and I just have some information for him,

so no big deal, but, you know, if you could call me

back with his number, that'd be great. Thanks.

Ooh, the monkey guy.

-Hi, is, uh... ? Is Monkey there?

-It's 'the' Monkey.

-What?

-You heard me.

'The' Monkey? You're the kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

-Oh, Sorry.

-Who is this?

Listen, a guy named Vince called you the other day from my phone,

and I really need to talk to him, but I don't have his number

- I'll give it to you.

- Oh, that's great. Thanks.

-You're very 'the' kind.

-What are you, smart?

-Okay, I won't do it again. I'm sorry.

-I have to admit, I was a little surprised you called.

I didn't think you liked me.

- I don't.

- Well, I don't like you either.

- Great. Lunch?

Did you put it on a credit card? Maybe the

credit-card company insurance will pay for it.

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