My Last 5 Girlfriends Page #2

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Now, I just think of the future

for both of us.

The three of us, remember?

Oh, yes, the three of us!

Divine Dating.

'Cause one day,

the big fella will get round to you.

And that means you!

It has to be something like that

because otherwise people are just

meaninglessly bumping into each other.

Let me look.

I happen to be a doctor.

- It's very kind of you.

- I had to believe that Wendy and I

were meant to be together.

I mean, just look at the evidence.

We were both born at around midnight

in the same month

of an even-numbered year.

Both of us tried to learn the clarinet.

We were both in school productions

of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

We both have two large freckles

on a toe on our left feet,

and a cavity in the same rear molar.

And both of us

do this in bright sunlight.

We even own the same edition

of Anna Karenina.

I was convinced that I was always

destined to sit next to her

and not just any other girl.

I was meant to fall in love

with those eyes,

that way of combing her hair,

of biting her lower lip.

That despite odds of 0.313 per cent,

I was sure that I was put

on this earth to be with Wendy.

I love being with you.

I know that.

So, what's the problem?

It just wouldn't be fair on Alex.

I thought you said

that didn't matter anymore.

I know, but...

He should be devastated.

You're wonderful.

I want to spend

the rest of my life with you.

Stop! Don't, I can't.

It's gonna be painful

whatever happens.

The longer you leave it,

the worse it's gonna get.

- I know.

- You told me yourself

that you don't love him any more.

It's just that Alex has had so much

tragedy in his life this year.

- This'll just destroy him.

- But surely if you keep Iying to him,

it's only gonna make things worse.

I don't know

if I'm Iying to him, though.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

No. Come on, Wendy.

You either love him or you don't.

Yeah, I do love him.

Yes, but do you love him

more than me?

Wendy?

Wendy?

So how did this happen?

Where was...?

I need to see you now.

- And...

- You make me very happy.

Was this the same person that

on the sixth of December said...

Yeah, I'm sort of with this guy.

Sort of. But it's been pretty ropy

for quite some time now.

And two weeks later...

That's it. It's over.

It really is all over.

At what point did that become this?

- So you didn't tell him?

- Kind of.

It's kind of obvious.

He's not stupid.

When did the rot set in?

When did Alex start to seem

not that bad after all?

Was it the night

I described Wendy as...

- She's a bit dizzy.

- ... in front of her friends?

Was it my lack of enthusiasm

for this piece of contemporary dance?

Maybe I was too clingy.

- Hiya!

- Christ!

Or just too laid back.

Hey! Come on, it's starting!

Quick.

Or maybe I never really stood

any bloody chance in the first place.

Would you like some wine?

I don't mind. Do you?

Whatever you want.

- Either way is fine by me.

- I agree.

So should we have it or not?

Well, I don't think I'll have any.

After five dates with Olive,

I still knew almost nothing about her.

What kind of books do you like?

I like James Joyce, Henry James,

John Kennedy Toole.

I developed new personalities.

- Do you like your job?

- I think all jobs are pretty crappy.

Personalities based

on what I thought

she might like.

What do you like to do

at the weekends?

I run Saturday mornings,

and I have to see some nature.

Right.

But I couldn't tell who she was.

One minute she'd say...

I think there's nothing wrong

with being emotionally vulnerable.

- And the next...

- People are such wimps.

Had she liked any of the places

we had been together?

Did she like me?

I had no idea what she wanted.

Do you think two people

should live solely for one another?

- In most cases.

- Was your childhood difficult?

In parts.

Have you ever been truly, truly in love?

It felt like it,

but I think I was deceiving myself.

- So, what's your favourite colour?

- Orange.

Dessert, madam?

What do you think,

the chocolate or caramel?

I just love chocolate, don't you?

I can't understand people

who don't like chocolate.

- That one, please.

- Sir?

Well, it's only

a mild chocolate allergy.

It shouldn't be too much of a problem.

You'll have to give him

something else for Easter.

Perfect.

Did Olive like me any more

because I lied?

I mean, why had I been

attracted to her?

Exactly.

It had nothing to do with her interest

in chocolate or James Joyce.

When I originally told Olive...

- It's all right. I'll drop you home.

- ... it wasn't loaded with significance.

- I better get off then.

- Yeah.

But with a quarter of a mile to go

before Six Liverpool Mews,

it seemed monumental.

At some point, one of us

would have to define the situation.

- But the risks were high.

- What are you doing?

Everything would change.

The end of hidden signs

- and coded speech.

- Have you ever been truly,

truly in love?

But how to go about it.

Maybe I should propose

the metaphorical cup of coffee.

Orjust leap straight in.

In the end, the double chocolate cake

made the decision for me.

It's one of the world's

most extreme rides, the Rhona-coaster.

Highest drops, the most loops.

It's supposed to represent the

two months you spent with Rhona.

Let me tell you, most people

feel sick when they get off.

Why are they in shoes?

As my next girlfriend's influence

spread across my flat,

one thing was clear:

Rhona and I were very different.

And to begin with,

I rather liked each new exotic addition

she added to my life.

But at some point,

we would have to deal with the fact

that our tastes were not the same.

I'm back!

I've got to show you something.

I've got to show you

what I bought today.

I could have bought the whole shop.

They have such amazing things there.

You should have seen

the boots they had.

I'm going to wear them every day.

Don't you just love them?

A fine leather caresses the ankle.

The heel gives a perfect balance

between functionality and style.

This upturned toe

has a remarkable way

of lengthening and flattering the leg.

And I'm loving these pin tucks that

lead you through to this jaunty bow,

making this a beautiful shoe.

Yeah, and you forgot to mention,

they're f***ing horrible!

How could this person,

the person I'd spent three months

feeling so in touch with,

be in such raptures about

the world's most unattractive shoes?

If I'm honest, other differences

between us had started to appear.

Why did Rhona insist

on walking everywhere?

Why did she always

complain in restaurants?

Excuse me?

Why did she never have

more than six hours sleep?

Why did she find

Patch Adams so funny?

Why did we have to have sex

at every conceivable opportunity?

And why-oh-why

was she so bloody clumsy?

It was like Rhona

was a wonderful symphony orchestra,

but one or two of the players

were slightly off-key.

- Do you fancy going to a club?

- OK. Or we could go to the cinema.

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