My Sister Eileen

Well, thats exactly

what we were looking for...

the right atmosphere at the right price.

There we are now, the Sherwood sisters...

one would-be writer

and one would-be actress...

in search of fame, fortune,

and a for rent sign on Barrow Street.

The one in red, thats me.

And the beautiful blond,

thats my sister Eileen.

Here we are.

Youre standing on the brink of disaster.

Take my advice. Forget about it.

- Forget what?

- The vacancy.

You wouldnt care for the apartment.

- Why not?

- Termites.

- Termites?

- This big.

- Believe me.

- Ruth.

An exterminator went in there last week

and he got the beating of his life.

However, if you young ladies are seeking

a sanctuary in this troubled world...

seek no more.

I will show you the best value

in Greenwich Village.

- Come along with me.

- Wait a minute. Who are you?

Allow me to introduce myself.

Im Appopolous.

Papa Appopolous

to my children on Barrow Street.

How do you do?

I am Eileen Sherwood

and this is my sister, Ruth.

- Of the Ohio Sherwoods.

- Of course.

Now, where is this sanctuary?

Due south.

Here we are, darlings.

The pride of Barrow Street,

the Appopolous Arms.

You mean you...

- Is the apartment very high up?

- Up?

Down.

Youll be crazy about it.

Here we are, darlings, all righty.

Your luggage, please. Your luggage. Please.

Isnt this exactly

what youve been dreaming about?

My dear young ladies, this is the best value

you can get for your money in New York.

Architecture, neighbourhood.

Thank you, llI have it fixed.

- It isnt too bad, Ruth.

- Too bad?

Let me point out

a few salient features of this studio.

A:
It is summer.

B:
It is exactly 30 degrees cooler down here.

Cooler? Lts musty enough to hang venison.

Note the exquisite imitation fireplace...

the magnificent day beds.

And look here, there is even a piano.

Id never have known without an autopsy.

And here is a model kitchenette...

complete in every detail.

And here is a luxurious bathroom.

What fiend designed this?

In those two rooms, you wont entertain.

- It does look clean, Ruth.

- Yeah.

Whats that?

One of your neighbours.

Perhaps a future Lily Pons or Helen Traubel.

Come, let me show you the garden.

Its beautiful in the summer.

- A garden.

- Real outdoor living.

- How are you, Papa?

- Very busy, Mr. OConnor.

You see, youre surrounded

by fellow artists like yourself.

- It is colourful, isnt it, Ruth?

- Lf you like loud colours.

- How much is this apartment?

- Only $65.

- $65? For this concrete catacomb?

- Ill even wallpaper the kitchen.

It is cheaper than anything else

weve looked at.

As an added inducement,

llI tell you what llI do.

Take the place for a month,

then, if youre still not satisfied...

Ill give you back your first months rent.

- I dont see what we can lose. Do you?

- Legally, youve got me where you want me.

I gave you my word

in front of two witnesses.

Three, including me.

Please, I just cant look at any more places.

- Well...

- Then its all settled.

- The rest of your luggage is at the station?

- Yes.

You girls make yourself at home.

Ill send for it.

Thank you.

You have the luggage checks, dont you?

- Yeah.

- And the...

Just a minute.

$20, 40, 50, 60.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Thank you.

Thank you, my children.

Thank you very much.

From now on, you can call me Papa.

Ill have it fixed in the morning. Good luck.

Be it ever so humble,

theres no place like home.

Mr. Appopolous!

- Wheres that doorknob?

- Here it is.

Mr. Appopolous, wait just a minute.

- It was terrible.

- Yes?

- What was that?

- What was what?

- That noise.

- The whole room shook.

It goes to show you how you get used to it.

- I didnt even notice it.

- Get used to it?

- It happens all the time?

- You wont even be conscious of it.

A little blasting. The new subway.

- Theyre blasting right under our feet?

- What are you so worried about?

Those engineers know

how much dynamite to use.

Does it happen all the time?

No. They stop at midnight,

and they dont start again until...

6:
00 in the morning.

- 6:
00.

- How would you like to step outside?

- What are you getting so hysterical about?

- Im not getting hysterical yet.

- All we want is our money back.

- Yes.

I told you Id give back your money

and I will...

if, at the end of the month,

youre still dissatisfied.

Goodnight, darlings.

What are we going to do?

Were gonna do 30 days.

You know, we ought to have

that phone connected in the morning...

so we can start calling up for jobs.

You dont call up for jobs,

you go out and look for them.

I hope we dont have to look too long.

Incidentally, that money from Dad

is the last were gonna take from him.

- After that, its beg, borrow, steal, or starve.

- Of course.

Maybe we shouldnt have come

to New York just yet, huh, Ruth?

Dont tell me

youre getting homesick already?

Maybe a little.

I wonder what Billy Hunniger

is doing tonight.

Hes probably at the country club dance

with Annie Wilkerson.

- He can have her.

- Dont you think he knows that?

Of course, those things never bothered you.

Men never meant very much in your life.

Not after they got a load of you, they didnt.

Thats the trouble with you.

Youve got a complex or something.

Youre a lot more attractive

than you think you are.

Youre close.

Im a lot more attractive than men think I am.

Remember what Dad said.

There are eight million people in New York,

and half of them are men.

One of them is bound to be

the right boy for you.

Yeah, and I wonder

where the poor devil is tonight.

One, two...

- Im gonna take a shower.

- Okay.

Five, six, seven.

One, two...

The heck with it. Let it spread.

When I started shedding my avoirdupois

I thought

it would get me somewhere with the boys

I went to a gym and got myself slim

I went on long hikes, I wore out three bikes

And from those masseurs

What beatings I took

Yet nobody said

How lovely you look

- Whatd you say, Ruth?

- I said, Let it spread.

What good

does it do me to slenderise?

Who needs this reducing routine?

Slender or stout

I am a washout

As soon as they see Eileen

I long for a young man with tender eyes

But my competitions too keen

My name is mud

Im a real dud

As soon as they see Eileen

But shes an angel

As well as a cutie

Her kind of beauty is rare

Still I always have found

That when she is around

Nobody knows that Im there

I wish I could dream

And philosophise

With someone who knows what I mean

But what is the use?

Im a gone goose

As soon as they see Eileen

Im over 20 with plenty of knowledge

I earned my college degree

But Im frankly annoyed

Tell me, Doctor Freud

What is the matter with me?

Hi.

Mommy!

Some night

Maybe Ill see the starry skies

With someone who isnt too green

But with all my desire, Im a flat tyre

I have the appeal

Of a fifth wheel

Im just out of luck

Im a dead duck

As soon as they see

Eileen

- Ruth?

- Yeah?

Ruth, where are you?

What are you doing out there?

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