Mystery, Alaska
Oh, Skank!
F*** me!
Hey.
What did you say?
You teach him that?
He heard it
in the locker room, Dad.
- From who?
- Everyone.
You know what it's like
in there.
He shoots.
He scores!
Wouldn't start again?
- Was it the gas line?
- I don't know. I'll ask Tinker.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Take the sled, will ya?
I wanna wait for the mail.
- The magazine's supposed to be here, express.
- Okay. Better be good.
That's the whole point.
I don't exactly trust
Chuckie boy.
Come on.
Pass it off.
All right.
Let's go again.
Bailey!
Hi, Bailey.
Fat men don't shovel,
Bailey.
No, it's dry.
It's dry.
- Ew! F*** me!
- That's a lung biscuit.
Joey!
That's it. Neither of you guys
are coming to the locker room again.
John?
Have a good game today.
- God, it's cold!
- The taters are hot.
Right here, Connor.
Thanks. Hot, hot, hot!
- What the hell kind of bird is that?
- Bobby, throw some tape.
- It's gonna be a hot one today.
- Hey, tape!
- Hey, is the magazine out yet?
- Monday.
- Johnny's supposed to get a copy expressed.
- Maybe we made the cover.
- We ain't on the cover.
- He said it would be a big story with pictures.
Yeah, Chuck exaggerates.
Hey, guys, you are
Sarah Heinz.
I know!
She's supposed to be this shy girl.
I figure, what the hell.
I ain't that attractive.
I'll vaccinate her quick, get home for an
early sack, beat what's left of the bishop.
Like this?
- She's much fatter naked. Yeah!
- No.
I'm telling you, she got her February
fat now in the second week in December.
She's riding me
like a wet walrus,
making these fat sounds.
- Thwap, thwap, thwap.
- The boy's got no shame.
You're a sick man, Skank.
- Hey, you got the magazine? Damn.
- The mail didn't come yet.
- Hey.
- What?
- You kill one more wolf...
- Ain't no sheriffin' in here.
I ain't sheriffin'. I'm just
a teammate concerned for his freedom.
Come on, boys.
Let's move it.
The committee won't be happy.
- The committee.
- You seen Weeks lately? He's been skating the river.
I don't care. I'm about to be on
the cover of Sports Illustrated.
That photographer said I have
one of those expressive faces.
- A face that tells a story.
- Too bad it's a tragedy.
- A comedy.
- A horror story.
Come on, guys.
Let's start gettin' our heads into it.
Like Connor says,
that Weeks kid, he's got jump.
I'm tellin' you, Tree,
there's rumors.
One of us is going down.
Let's go! Let's move!
Let's go!
Good game!
Good game!
Stretch 'em out.
- Let's do it, Sheriff.
- Sticks!
- Line 'em up, Michael!
- Don't give me Tree. I wanna win this week.
- I win no matter what side, huh?
- Win this, Tree.
- Maybe it's you and me, huh?
- Winetka.
Here.
- Paul.
- Brown's the winner.
- Dad!
- Thanks, Mikey.
Tree!
- You see Stevie Weeks yesterday?
- Chump.
You think
we gotta do it?
- Birdie!
- Try and pass me!
- Give it to me!
- Try it! Try it!
Pass! Damn!
Whoo!
All right!
Soon, it'll be you
out there.
- Oh, I don't know.
- It will, Stevie.
- Ow!
- Daddy!
There are things you do in public...
and things you don't.
We're just kissing.
For God's sakes.
Geez.
Very effective, Walter.
Nipped in the bud.
- MaryJane.
- You got it?
I got it. Look. It's three pages
with pictures and profiles.
- There's John.
- A mix between Bobby Bond and Moose DuPark.
Yeah,
he won't like that.
"Clears the crease like a snowplow. "
Well, he can't not like that.
Come on.
- Honey. Look at this.
- Hey.
- The mayor should get first look. Not bad, right?
- Wow.
Son of a piss whore.
Our town in Sports Illustrated.
Listen to this.
"The legendary hockey players of
Mystery, Alaska, were born on skates...
in a world perpetually covered
with ice and snow.
Isolated by rugged mountains
and vast glaciers,
they hone their skills
by playing each other,
Saturday after Saturday,
for as long as anyone can remember.
religious devotion in sub-zero weather.
A committee of town fathers
decides who plays and by what rules.
The game has become
more than a sport.
It's a weekly
ritual celebration. "
"The Winetka brothers
forecheck like gophers.
When a puck goes into a corner,
- Yeah!
- Read. Read!
And then there's
Connor Banks.
- Connor!
Montreal had its rocket.
Mystery has its cruise missile!"
The only rocket you got
is your meat whistle.
Hang on. Hang on. " Perfecting the art
of the pass is John Biebe,
whose precision and accuracy more
than compensate for slowness of foot.
- The only player without lightning speed.
- Every team needs its thumper.
F*** 'em, Johnny. F*** 'em.
On pure skating ability,
the boys of Mystery, Alaska...
rival any team in
That's us!
That's us!
And isn't it exciting
for Charlie...
And isn't it exciting
for Charlie...
getting his article published
in Sports Illustrated?
I bet this is a big
accomplishment for him.
He kind of embellished
a little.
He's always been so smart, that Charlie.
I knew when he left he'd make it big.
Well, actually, I heard he left
'cause he skated like a homosexual.
You think because you scored two goals
today, you played a good game?
We don't talk about hockey at the table.
for 20 minutes.
We've been talking
about the magazine.
Which is about hockey.
Can't we just enjoy
the attention tonight?
Sports Illustrated,
for God's sakes.
Hockey is played
at both ends of the ice.
You, you coast in your own zone.
You skate like a figure skater.
And when you get the puck,
you don't pass.
More potatoes?
No.
I've lost my appetite.
Oh...
He never made the Saturday game.
That's what's bothering him.
Why should he tell me how to play?
- He played college 2-A, Birdie.
- 2-A isn't the Saturday game.
- That's enough.
- Well, he started it!
Margie has relatives
in Waterville, Maine.
She said as soon
all the local shops
went right out of business.
Price World's not gonna come, Mom.
We're not big enough, for God's sakes.
Well, they've been sniffin'.
Oh, Skank.
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
"On the left side,
Skank Marden is a master
of sticky sores... "
No, no, Shawnette.
Um, remember, you want
to sound out the words.
- Okay.
- Let's try again.
"Skank Marden,
a master of the stick,
scores on demand. "
That's right. Good. Excellent.
Tommy! What?
Word is Biebe is out
Really?
- Don't get too far.
- Yeah, Dad.
- Hey, Johnny.
- Hey.
Thanks for coming, Johnny.
Well, we can't hold
Stevie Weeks back any longer.
You'll be first alternate,
of course.
That's...
There's more to the game than speed,
Scott. Experience counts.
till we call him up.
You've been in the Saturday game
13 years, Johnny.
- That's a record!
- I can still play.
When was the last time
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"Mystery, Alaska" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/mystery,_alaska_14409>.
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