Mystery, Alaska Page #2

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you scored a goal?

Look, it's not fair to the Weeks boy

to keep him back.

And it's not fair

to the Saturday game.

Sh*t!

I gotta go.

Donna's inside, Johnny.

- Hey.

- Hey.

I'm fine, Donna.

We talked about this.

We knew one day eventually...

I'm fine.

Don't tell me you're fine.

I better check on Mike.

- You could've told me.

- I can't give you that kind of information.

We're sleeping together,

for God's sakes.

Skank, we're committing adultery. It's

not like I threw in trust as a perk.

Honey.

- Hi.

- Look, you, uh... you may have heard.

- We just did it.

- I heard.

And so did I,

and it's a big mistake.

John Biebe is the anchor,

for God's sakes!

Geez.

Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!

Guys, it ain't my birthday.

It's better.

You're in the Saturday game!

L- I could go down

as fast as I come up.

- There's no way.

- Hey, I'm next. They'll be callin' me next.

Hey, Mike.

- Hey.

- Why don't you get yourself that milkshake?

Better not hear

your grades are dropping off.

They-They won't, sir.

You skate like you can

and you'll be fine.

- Boys.

- Sheriff.

- I ordered one for you too, Dad.

- Thanks, Mike.

- Johnny?

- Yeah?

You gotta get out to Gagney Grocers.

Connor Banks just shot a guy.

Ow! Jesus!

What, did you put your finger in it?

- Try and hold still.

- Could you jam the oxygen tank...

a little further up my ass, please?

Have you done this before?

- Who is he?

- A rep from Price World.

Good. Twist it! Yeah, that helps.

Think about trimming

those nails too, Tarzan.

- Just try to hold it there.

- Are you trying to hurt me?

Huh?

- You okay?

- No, I'm not okay!

Do I look like I'm okay?

The f***er shot me!

What the f***-ass f*** of a bum-f***,

shithole town is this?

I make a business call.

I give him my card.

And the hick-ass f***er shoots

my foot off! Cock-f***ing sh*t!

- John, it was an accident.

- You read him his rights?

- You have the right to remain silent.

- Oh, come on, John!

- I didn't mean to shoot him.

- Call Bailey Pruitt. Talk to him.

Don't be saying

anything to me.

Johnny, I heard.

- I'm sorry.

- Connor, you just shot a guy.

- Take him.

- Read him his rights.

Cock-f***ing suck-ass f***er!

Have fun in jail, a**hole!

They, uh,

got into a beef.

- Connor pulled a pistol.

Happened over in feed.

Says he was aiming at a sack

of Puppy Chow, trying to scare him.

He hit a wheelbarrow.

It ricocheted.

- Ow! Ow, ow!

- Johnny?

- Yeah?

- There's a helicopter hovering over town hall. Looks Russian.

Whoa!

I'm slow in the feet?

That's it?

That's all you got for me?

No, "Wow, nice helicopter"? No, " Hey,

great article in Sports Illustrated"?

How's Donna doing?

Does she miss me?

Twice in one year, Charlie.

What do you want this time?

I come bearing

the New York Rangers.

The New York Rangers?

Yeah, I was pretty blown away myself.

But the article sparked some kind

of brainstorm at the NHL.

- Good writing, I guess.

- The New York Rangers.

The New York Rangers.

- In Mystery, Alaska?

- Right here.

To play against our boys?

The NHL feels it'll be

great publicity,

and the network figures

a 14 share, minimum.

All right.

What's in it for you,

Charlie?

Community pride.

A sense of giving back to

the place where I grew up.

Money.

If you all settle down, we'll, uh,

we'll try to answer all your questions.

Now, nothing is definite.

There's still some dealing to be done

with the players' unions and things.

But what needs to be decided first is,

do we want this game?

- I won't kid ya, it would be

a goose to the economy.

What economy?

We can be serious

about this,

or we can simply leave the decision to

the committee, which I'm quite happy to do.

Yes, Miram?

The question is,

do we really stand a chance?

'Cause if all that's gonna happen

is we'll get laughed at,

I'm not for it

at any price.

That's fair. That's fair.

And to answer that,

I'd like to call up here

someone we all know and...

Well, we all know.

Charles Danner.

Thanks. Um... Well, first of all,

it's really great to be back.

Bullshit!

Uh... Um, here's the thing.

On a standard ice rink,

no, we don't come close.

But... our boys on a pond?

Now, hold on

just one second.

You're using words

like "we" and "our boys. "

You left this town,

Charlie Danner.

You can't even skate.

Plus, this may be

an old lady talking,

but I've always thought

you were a bit of a prick.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This is a town meeting.

Let's have some order,

for God's sakes! John.

Could we make a game of it?

Yeah, John.

Depends on rules.

We play four on four.

They play five on five.

Boards, offsides,

two-line passing.

Rules that keep everything bunched.

It's a different kind of game.

John, excuse me, but this game

is gonna be played on a pond.

- Hey, Chuck...

- One second.

Everybody here always says on a pond,

nobody beats us, right? Nobody.

Okay, well, you got a chance

to prove it now.

John, can we win?

Shooting, passing, stick handling...

The truth?

Except for Connor,

nobody here comes close.

Except for Connor,

nobody here comes close.

But on the pond,

black ice, wide open surface,

it's all about skating.

And we can skate.

Yeah, we can.

All right, man.

The New York Rangers

are professionals.

Two things we've always had

in Mystery:

Our dignity

and our illusions.

I suggest we cling to both.

Where's the dignity

in not trying?

I'll play those Rangers.

- I'm in.

- I'll play.

I'll beat 'em.

As mayor of Mystery, Alaska,

I'm gonna extend a little invitation

to the New York Rangers!

Hey, Johnny!

- This can't wait till tomorrow?

- No, no, we gotta be on the ice at sunup.

If this game happens,

it's only 32 days away.

We gotta get goin'.

- I bet you're back on the team now, right?

- Maybe.

Well, they're not gonna play the Rangers

with just ten guys.

Here he comes.

- John. Hey, Donna.

- Hey, Scott.

- Witch-tit cold, huh?

- Yeah.

Look, John,

these are the developments.

Things have changed.

We want you to coach.

Judge turn you down?

Yeah.

He's got some bug up his colon.

But next toJudge F*** Nut,

you know most about hockey.

Scott, you'll need him

to play, right?

Oh, uh...

Well, the committee feels you can best

help the team by, you know, coaching.

You're the guy.

They all look up to you.

Scott, I don't coach.

John, I'm asking you

as mayor of the town.

Will you coach?

Look, think about it.

Let me know, huh?

You know,

every ex-player turned coach says

they prefer coaching to playing.

Why would they

all say that?

Because they can't play.

So why'd you wanna come?

You never wanna come when I plough.

- Well, um, could you pull over?

- Sure.

What...

What are you doing?

Um...

I thought, um...

I think we should celebrate

you making the team.

N- Now? Here?

I don't know where else

to do it.

I got a condom too.

- So...

- Marla.

With you on the team, Stevie,

a lot of girls are gonna be,

you know, after you.

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