Mystery, Alaska Page #3

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I don't wanna lose you toJody Lange

just 'cause she gives.

Marla.

I'm not gonna leave you

on account of not having sex.

I love you.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Oh!

Oh, I'm-I'm...

I'm sorry.

That's okay. That's...

That's okay.

L...

Does this mean we're done?

I'm-I'm sorry.

I must have...

That's okay.

It's okay, Stevie.

Hey, Sarah, sorry to be calling on you

so late, but have you heard?

- The Rangers?

- Yeah.

Yeah, good news makes

the compass point north.

How about a quick rattle?

After you, Skank.

"Mother walrus going

thwap, thwap, thwap"?

- What?

- You wanna hear a thwap?

Women don't like being referred to

as fat mammals, Skank.

I never would've said that

to her face.

- Are you gonna arrest me?

- Do you want me to?

Well, if it's all over what he said, I'd

just as soon it'd be all over that I hit him.

It will be.

You gonna let the kids keep the school?

We gotta have a new rink, Donna.

You want one of those goddamn

TV trucks to fall through the ice?

Plus we need new boards, lights,

and they're sending us a Zamboni.

Oh, a Zamboni.

Gettin' wet just thinking about it.

Jesus!

- Donna. Hey.

- Hey.

- Hi. How you doin'?

- Hi. Good.

- How are you?

- I'm good.

- You ran out before I could say hi last night.

- I know. Hi.

Hi.

God, you look good.

How can you look this good? What do

you have, like nine children now?

All right, well,

we're not the Partridge Family.

- Three kids.

- I know how many kids you have.

So, you're a producer, huh?

Yeah, well,

associate producer.

What's a producer do?

Uh, well,

I'm-I'm doing it.

- Really?

- Yes, I'm liaising with the locals.

I see.

And the helicopter was...

Well, you know, it's the kind of news

you wanna deliver in person, you know,

and I can't help it if it impressed

the hell out of you.

So, uh...

Well, so did it?

Do I look impressed?

You look good.

Your Honor,

at this time I'd be asking the court

to dismiss the charges...

on the grounds of patriotism.

I'm not in the mood,

Mr. Pruitt.

If Price World

did come here...

with the one-stop shopping

and the low, low prices,

it would threaten to put every merchant

in this town out of business,

as it has in so many communities

across this country.

- Trial date?

- This Tuesday.

Tuesday?

- Fine by me.

- All right, next Tuesday.

And impanel Monday.

I don't want a trial now. Suppose I

lose? I get jail, I miss the game.

Connor, trust me. They're not gonna

lock up our leading scorer.

As the puck comes off the ice,

the left wing will always drop back.

These four swing around here,

try and force the puck this way.

So the puck carrier is

always facing three defensemen.

- Are we gonna play it?

- No.

We're gonna learn it

so we can beat it.

It's five-man, not four.

It's complicated.

Before we get into that,

There's one rule we got we live by.

What happens in this room,

what's said in this room,

stays in this room.

Now, last night Skank

took a shovel to the temple...

because somebody repeated what

was said in the locker room.

Somebody repeated

to Silvie Walker,

and Silvie Walker

repeated it to Sarah Heinz.

- I told her confidentially.

- Aw, Jesus.

What you say in the room

stay in the room.

I didn't think she

was gonna say anything.

Skank, I'm sorry.

She just smoked the hog, man.

I wasn't myself.

- It's your call, Skank.

- Oh, I want it.

F***!

F***in' wind-chill. This ain't right.

It's not that easy!

- One slip of the tongue. All right, that's it.

- Rules are rules!

Come on, guys!

- Do it!

- Come on!

Aw, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

Mother...

I hate you bastards!

I hate you all!

All I did was suggest we meet,

and then he pulled out a gun.

Did he say anything,

Mr. Walsh?

Objection!

Now, that question...

F*** it.

What did he say?

Well, he conveyed his anger at the idea

of Price World moving into the community.

He threatened to shoot me if I didn't

leave the premises, and then he shot me.

Thank you, Mr. Walsh.

Reserve the right to recall, Your Honor.

Big doings we've got going here

in Mystery these days, huh?

Price World wants to come here,

and now the New York Rangers

want to come.

Mr. Pruitt, I don't want to hear

anything about Price World.

I don't wanna hear another word about

a hockey game. We talked about this.

Yeah, well, forgive me, Your Honor.

I'm fat.

Mr. Walsh, that bullet

that struck you,

did it appear to ricochet

off a wheelbarrow?

It... Maybe.

So what?

Is it legal to shoot in the vicinity

of people in this town?

You don't care very much for

our community, do you, Mr. Walsh?

- I have nothing against

your community, Mr. Pruitt.

Did you say,

"What the f***-ass f***

of a bum-f*** shithole town is this?"

Did you say that, Mr. Walsh?

The game is tentatively

scheduled forJanuary 16.

- Hey, this is it!

- Sounds like fun, Barry, but evidently not for everyone.

No, I don't think so, Steve.

No one thought...

to check with the New York Ranger

players about this.

The bottom line is, you only get

a few days off during this long season.

Now, instead of spending these days off

at home with their families,

they're told they gotta go to Alaska

and play a game of pond hockey.

- This is a joke.

- Turning now to real hockey news,

the NHL named Wayne Gretzky

as its player of the month.

The superstar scored 17 goals

with 22 assists...

Yeah, wait till we beat 'em.

Then we'll see who's a joke.

You guys know what you're made of.

You know what you've got inside.

Nervous?

- Come on, let's work it around.

- Don't leave him alone!

- Whoa. That guy can shoot, huh?

- Yeah.

- Get on him! Get on him!

- Okay, guys, come on, now!

- Fighting the puck a little.

- Oh, let him find his legs.

Yeah, his first game.

He'll be fine.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Look out!

Get away! Get away!

- Stevie? Stevie!

- Give him some air.

- Biebe.

Good work, Tree. You killed him.

- Head was down.

- I know. I know.

I brought the salts, Dad.

- Stevie?

- Huh?

- It's okay. It's all right.

- Hello.

Stevie, how many fingers

have I got? Hmm?

I'm a premature ejaculator.

Let's go, guys.

Three on three.

- So?

- So?

- Anyone special in New York?

- Uh, no.

I don't... I don't want you

to feel bad about that either,

just 'cause I haven't had a relationship

that's lasted longer than six weeks...

since we broke up

in the 12th grade.

- That's... The important thing is that you're happy.

- Right.

You are...

You are happy, I take it?

Yeah.

I'm happy.

Good. Good.

How is your husband,

anyway?

Appears to be, uh,

well fed.

Of course he is.

I mean, what else

do I have to do, really,

besides slave over a hot stove,

rub my fat husband's feet,

dig splinters out of my ass that I get

while sitting around pining for you?

Well, you said it,

I didn't.

Seriously, though.

I mean, forget about me.

Don't you ever wish you lived

in a town that had a museum...

or someplace where brothers and sisters

were off-limits to each other sexually?

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