Mystery, Alaska Page #4

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All right,

just follow the light.

No, just over here. There you go.

Over here. Come on.

Still sleepin'?

- How's he doin'?

- He's a little happy.

No, no, no.

Easy, son.

- I'm okay. Birdie, I'm sorry.

- All right.

I didn't even get

the condom on.

It was 'cause of your sister's breasts.

They're perky.

Well, he's out again.

- Honey, what's wrong?

- Nothing.

- Sweetheart...

- I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

Well, if you can't talk

to your own mother...

Stevie doesn't wanna

sleep with me.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Hmm.

So, uh, you two

have already,

uh, you know,

had relations?

No, he came in the condom.

Oh!

Where, uh,

was the condom...

when he, uh,

you know...

Um...

On-On his, uh, serpent.

Hi.

What's wrong?

Uh, Walter, get out.

This is private.

I'm entitled to know

what's going on under this roof.

After all, I am

the father of this child.

Walter, if you don't leave,

I swear I'll tell you.

Right.

The defendant will please rise.

What say you, Karen?

The State of Alaska

versus Connor Banks.

Second-degree assault.

We find the defendant

not guilty.

That's a not guilty verdict on Connor.

Betty?

And we further order Price World

to pay damages...

in the amount of $42,000.

- What?

- 42,000 bucks?

They can't do that.

This is a criminal trial.

We don't award damages

to criminal defendants.

The damage award is vacated.

What's that, "vacated"?

Look around.

Look at yourselves.

You have exalted this game

above what is right,

but you have

your star center back.

The defendant is free to go.

You have embarrassed

my courtroom.

Thanks a lot.

F***in' moron.

It's me that embarrasses you,

isn't it?

- Did I say that, Brian?

- I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment.

I'm sorry I don't feel like goin'

to college and getting some degree.

I'm sorry for only wanting to play hockey,

and I'm sorry that you never played...

in the Saturday game, but I would think

there are bigger tragedies in life!

Brian!

Scotty. Hey.

I want you to meet

the folks from the network.

- That's Jonathan Slaven. Scott Pitcher.

- Hi.

- And, uh, this is Janice Pettibone.

- My nostrils just froze.

It's a pleasure to welcome

a famous TV personality.

- Uh, hi.

- Janice, see how everybody skates here?

- Yeah.

- Even on the sidewalks. We should get some shots...

- I can't feel my nose.

- All right, then.

- She's cold.

- She's weird.

"Eskimos On Ice. "

In fact, that's what we're calling

the team:
The Mystery Eskimos.

Well, we're not Eskimos.

Well, I don't think it refers

so much to your ethnicity.

And the Native Americans who do live

here call themselves Inuit, shark meat.

The deal here is we're selling

this as a human interest story.

The strange snowmen who play

on a lake... the Mystery boys.

We don't know who they are

or what they are.

All we know is they have poor dental

health and can skate like the wind.

It's a hockey game.

- How does she know what kind of dental health we have?

- Guys!

Guys!

It's just a name, you know?

Nobody thinks the Dallas Cowboys

are actually cowboys.

- If this ends up making fun of us...

- Scott, it won't.

- You think I'd let that happen?

- For business, who knows?

- Excuse me?

- He's right.

- You'd bite off your own jimmy if the price were right.

- Really, Scott?

My own jimmy? You know what?

Why don't you go plan a rummage sale...

- or renew a fishing licence?

- If you try pulling something, I'll be so far up your ass...

- Gentlemen.

- You sorry piece of tit meat!

- Just talkin' about the game.

- Yeah.

If nothing else,

it's good for morale.

Good night.

No blood.

Judge!

- He started it.

- Don't!

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

I don't know how to coach.

You taught half the kids in this town

how to skate. You played 2-A college.

You understand

North American hockey.

Sh*t, they used to call you

the Bear.

That was then.

Okay, Judge.

If we're gonna make a game of it,

it should be you.

It won't be, John.

Come on! Pull it off!

People of Mystery,

I give you...

your very own Zamboni.

- Now, don't be alarmed.

- It looks 100 years old.

Well, it works just like new,

and it's kind of in keeping with

the whole idea, don't you think?

What whole idea?

Scott, you got a Zamboni here

in Mystery, Alaska.

Yeah.

The original.

Why'd you say yes to boards?

Sponsors?

You guys have never played with boards.

Won't that be a huge advantage to the Rangers?

John?

You've been smiling

a lot lately.

- Excuse me?

- Ever since he came back.

Charlie.

You've been smiling a little more.

John, that was high school.

This is not a pond.

The fans are into it.

Let's play hockey.

- Oh, there we go.

- Oh, Domi and Langdon.

Well, eight seconds in. Domi leads

the league in penalty minutes.

A couple of short rights knocks the helmet

off. Another one. Are they gonna get tired?

- I don't know.

- We're playing these guys?

Oh, he's landing a couple of big ones,

and so is Domi.

He's got the fans

into this one early, Sam.

Yo, maybe we should fast-forward

to the hockey part.

- Yeah.

- Good idea.

- Yeah.

- Good idea.

- Come on.

- Come on!

- Caboose, holding on back there?

- Yeah.

- Toot, toot!

- Uh-oh! Uh-oh, we're gonna crash!

- Aah!

- Oh, no!

- What happened down here?

Are you okay? Let me see.

Are you all right?

It's a Rockewellian Christmas

up here...

skating, barbecues, snow.

We're here with defenseman

Matt Marden and...

- Cut.

- What?

I can't feel my fingers.

You need to rub 'em on

a nice warm Yuletide log.

I beg your pardon?

Look. Christmas is a lonely day

for a guy to be choking his own chicken.

And, as women reporters go,

I find you supple.

Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame

we weren't rolling for that.

I'm sure he'd be happy

to repeat it.

- You need to relax.

- Charles!

Do you like massages?

- Tree, take the man up front!

- Defense!

Tree, you've got to take

the man!

- Jesus!

- All right, all right, all right, all right.

Sorry, Johnny.

- Don't say you're sorry.

- Okay.

Sorry.

Tree, am I a big guy?

Yeah, Johnny.

No. Look.

See? You're the big guy.

And we need you to start

playing like a big guy.

Okay?

Are you a big guy?

- Yes, Johnny.

- Come on. Say it.

Say it!

- I'm a big guy!

- Okay!

- Okay? Okay?

- Okay.

Okay, hit me.

I don't want

to hit you, Johnny.

- Come on, Tree. Hit me!

- Johnny...

I'm notJohnny!

I'm a New York Ranger!

- Hit me!

- Stop it!

You look like the back end

of a moose, Sasquatch.

You all right?

Just like that, Tree.

- You hit me like that,

I'll kick your ass.

Eskimo soup.

I'm beginning to have

second thoughts about this.

And having Chuck F*** as our liaison

with the network doesn't help.

If they're gonna be pouring

a lot of money into it,

I suppose you have to let them sell it.

I suppose.

Besides, if they're going to

be doing a profile on the town,

it's as good

as a commercial.

Our tourism might grow.

You know, this is the kind

of opportunity that...

What?

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