Mystery, Alaska Page #6

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- How are you? Welcome to Mystery.

- Oh, my God!

- Steroids?

- Yeah.

- Big. -

Uh-huh. - Yeah.

Not that big.

- Go for it!

- Hey, what's your name?

- Make it out to Stevie.

- Stevie.

- Here you go, Stevie.

- Wow.

Uh, a little problem,

Johnny.

- Aah!

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

- I'm leaving town.

- What are you doing?

- Come on. Get down.

Why? It's my Zamboni, right?

I brought it here.

- You want me to take you in?

- What, are you gonna arrest me for reckless Zamboni dri...

Fine. Take me in, John.

I don't care.

Why don't you impound

my helicopter?

Whoa. Why don't you break

my goddamn nose too, huh?

They'd probably elect you mayor.

- You wanna get some coffee?

- L... Where's my parade? Huh?

I brought 'em here.

Why don't I get a parade?

You know what I'd settle for

is a thank you.

This f***in' town.

You know, when I left,

this town rejected me.

Huh?

The day I checked out of here,

all I could think about...

was the day I would chug back in

with a Pulitzer in my hand.

And I would step off

that train and say,

"Why don't you

skate on this, you... "

I'm sick.

Oh, God, I'm sick. Oh, God.

So that's what this

is all about, Charlie?

You saying f*** you

to all of us?

No, it's not.

Goddamn, John,

what do I gotta do?

Huh? This town is hockey,

hockey, hockey, right?

So I bring back

the New York Rangers.

- The New York Rangers!

- You don't get it, do you?

Oh, I...

Clearly not.

Well, leaving out the fact that you

set all this up for your own benefit,

we agreed to a game

of pond hockey,

on open ice.

Now we're playing on a rink

in a box...

boards, blue lines,

referees.

What if we lose this game

25-zip, Charlie?

You brought back

the one thing...

that could tear the heart

out of this place.

Now, either you

thought about that,

or you didn't.

- Finally got them down.

- Uh-huh.

Dear Abby.

All the words

are crossed out.

Not the important ones.

Just read it.

"Radiant.

Maximum.

Madly.

Fancy.

Simple.

Stamina.

Wedding. "

John.

Keep reading.

"Body.

Baby son.

Bedroom. Morning.

Expressive. Tender.

Take care.

Love. Patience.

Amends.

Human. "

It's beautiful, honey.

John?

Hey!

Yeah.

Heard you lost a little.

Ah! Whoo!

You can't catch me!

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Hmm.

Mmm!

Inuit, Eskimo... whatever.

Just zero in on faces that look local.

Okay, ready, five?

Take five.

Welcome back.

I'm Jim Fox.

And joining me right now is

hockey legend Donnie Shulzhoffer...

in from Flin Flon,

Manitoba.

Donnie,

let's get right to it.

I've had a chance to see the

Mystery team practice. They skate fast,

and a couple of guys

can really shoot the puck.

Look, the Alaskans have never taken on a

team of this size and skill before, okay?

And don't kid yourself. The New York

Rangers are taking this game personal.

All right?

It isn't exactly rocket surgery.

Now send the kids

out of the room.

I don't care how fast a skater you are,

if you don't play this game...

with a big heart and a big

bag of knuckles...

in front of the net,

you don't got dinky-do.

- He'll see you now.

- Oh!

Oh, wow.

Uh, th...

Thank you for seeing me, Mister...

Little Richard.

This is an honor.

May I?

Little Richard,

I'm from Mystery.

Now, this is a little town

that derives...

much of its esteem

from hockey.

I was wondering.

When you're singing

the National Anthem...

- Well...

- I'm cold.

Yes.

Which makes what I'm

about to ask...

seem like

a monumental request.

- Can I get one?

- Okay, everybody, get your newspapers here.

- One newspaper apiece. Hi.

- Enjoy the game.

Hello. I'm Doug McLeod,

and with me is NHL Hall of Famer...

and two-time Stanley Cup winner,

Phil Esposito.

It's the Great Alaskan

Hockey Rush...

brought to you live

by the National Hockey League...

and the Sports Broadcasting

Corporation,

pitting the New York Rangers...

against a Cinderella team from

the tiny town of Mystery, Alaska.

And here come

the red, white and blue.

- Look at this! Wow. No respect. I love it.

And here come

the boys of winter.

All right!

Well, there are

only 11 skaters to the Rangers' 18,

but also,

it's minus ten outside.

That kind of cold

can be rough on the New Yorkers.

There's no doubt about it. But Mystery's

going to need more than the cold on their side.

- Yeah, Stevie!

- The town's grocer is their best scorer,

their fastest guy

is a high school kid...

and the captain

is the town sheriff.

Like we said,

folks, this is a small town.

And the size of this ice surface could

be an equalizer for the Mystery team.

- It'll definitely help.

I've never seen ice this big.

It's even bigger

than the Olympic rinks.

And now,

to sing the National Anthem, the one,

the only,

Little Richard!

"Tutti Frutti"!

This is great, huh?

Camera three, stay off the Rangers.

They look miserable.

They're freezing already. Why the hell

is he singing so goddamn slow?

- Yeah!

- Wow! Maybe the cold slowed him down.

- Beautiful.

- All right, the starting lineups...

- Uh-oh. - Great!

Starting to piss me off.

Where does it say

Canadian National Anthem?

- You all right?

The Mystery team

has a shot, right?

- A shot at what?

Hey, listen, buddy.

Do you know where a guy can get

a rub and a tug around here?

What?

Here we go. Let's play hockey.

All the hoopla is over.

The puck drops here.

Jackson dumps Banks and gets the draw.

Back to Billy Wasson.

He moves up and gives back toJackson.

He takes it wide

and gains the Mystery zone.

Down the borders with Lane

checkingJackson around the net.

Back to Wasson, wide open.

Shoots... What a save by Holt!

Get it out, guys!

Get it out!

Mystery is rattled. They're

running around like a house league.

- Don't chase! Don't chase!

- Get it!

Jackson controls again.

Over to King.

He moves it to Wasson,

over to Robertson.

Nifty toe drag around Banks.

Shoots! And a save by Holt.

- Sh*t.

- Rangers in control. Holt with another save!

It's a shooting gallery out there!

Wasson, a shot. Jackson shooting.

Finally, Holt controls

the rebound.

He dishes it around

behind the net forJohn Biebe.

Take your time! Take your time!

- And the captain holds it there.

Rangers press

as Mystery breaks out.

- Biebe on over to Banks in the corner.

- Go to Connor!

And there's the pass.

Here comes Weeks.

He is behind the advance.

It is one on one

with Sam Gainer.

It is a two-man hockey game

right here!

He leads left, goes right,

shoots... Scores!

Weeks scores on the breakaway,

and Mystery leads, one to nothing.

- That's cool!

- Unbelievable.

One step and he was gone.

That kid can actually fly.

Two minutes

into the first period,

Mystery gets

on the board first,

- and this home crowd is going crazy.

- Whoo!

Here we go at center ice.

Rangers win again.

Duffin chased into the Mystery zone.

Biebe back to get it.

Neskorami on the porch.

And hard! He stamps the captain

into the screen!

High sticking, f*** sh*t!

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