Naked

---

(pop music playing)

(man)All right, settle down, settle down.

Yes, I know. They're both great books.

So, my question is:

which one do you like better?

Catcher in the Rye, for sure.

Holden Caulfield's a pimp.

- (class snickering)

- (man) No.

Iceberg Slim is a pimp.

Holden Caulfield is a spoiled rich kid

from the Upper East Side

who goes to a fancy prep school.

Sound familiar?

(laughing)

Uh, what about you, Mr. Anderson?

Well, my dad's not

a billionaire Wall Street CEO,

and if he is, he owes my mom a whole lot

of back child support.

- (laughing)

- So I'm partial to Lord of the Flies.

I don't think Holden Caulfield

would last a week on this island.

He'd be running around like a little punk,

wishing for this nightmare to be over.

- (laughing)

- Kind of like a substitute teacher.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- (laughing)

Well played, Max.

You know, the good news is

you have a very bright academic future

ahead of you.

The bad news is,

you're probably gonna be a virgin

till you're 35 years old.

(laughing)

(school bell rings)

All right, class, that's a wrap.

Anderson, out.

(girl) Bye, Mr. Anderson.

Bye, sweetheart, take it easy. Later, man.

Saved by the bell, huh?

Principal Mellon, hey.

You definitely have a way

with the students, Rob.

Kids, for some reason,

I connect with them.

It's probably our love of Rihanna

and the occasional acne flare-up.

Listen, Ms. James' stint in rehab

is gonna go a bit longer than expected...

Okay, yeah, well, crack'll do that to you.

I've got a full-time position.

Love to talk to about it...

Let me stop you right there.

I'm good for a couple days a week,

but I can't commit

to anything more than that.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm getting married tomorrow.

I have an Uber waiting outside,

and I don't want

to mess up my five-star rating.

- Think about it.

- Thank you.

- (elevator bell dings)

- Baby, it's me.

I don't know if you got my messages.

I'm in the terminal.

- I'll see you soon. Whoa!

- Hey!

(grunts) Oh! Excuse me.

(grunts)

Ah! (groans)

God!

Excuse me. Whoo!

Hey. Hi. Rob Anderson.

I'm on Flight 1492 to Charleston.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, sir.

The doors to that flight are closed.

Well, can't you open them?

I mean, it's doors, that's what they do.

They open and close. (laughs)

I...

(typing)

Ah! I can get you

on a flight for tomorrow.

No, no, no, I can't go tomorrow.

I need to be there today.

I get married tomorrow.

Oh.

(typing)

I am sorry, sir. Our last flight out today

is completely booked.

- No.

- Mm-hmm.

Attention!

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Rob Anderson.

I'm willing to do unspeakably desperate

and nasty things

for a plane ticket

on the next flight to Charleston.

Anybody?

(woman) How desperate?

Um... Anything short of a felony.

Oh.

Well, do you have cash?

No, but I do have

this first-generation iPhone.

Oh...

Well, you're not exactly dazzling me

with options here.

I have been known

to be a pretty tender lover.

Ooh. Well, I'm gonna need a sample

of your work.

Okay.

(crowd murmuring)

- Hi, beautiful.

- Hi.

- How was that?

- (chuckles)

I got your messages.

We're on the next flight out.

- Yes! See, that's why I'm marrying you.

- You are lucky you just got here.

You know, I was really mad

about two glasses of wine ago.

I have a very good excuse.

See, I was securing our financial future.

(groans) You're late

because you were playing the lotto.

Baby, you got to be in it to win it.

Hey, I got you something.

You know, at one point,

you described that as a rainbow exploding

in your mouth.

Now, there's a lot of different ways

I can go with that,

but I'm just gonna stick to,

"They're yummy."

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Right now, I'm just happy you're here.

I had a really tough day.

Oh, what happened? Did your daddy

buy some mom-and-pop company

and has to fire everybody

so he ain't gonna make the wedding?

- You wish.

- I do!

No, I had to tell a six-year-old

that she has a tumor in her stomach

and needs surgery.

- Oh, babe, that's terrible.

- But she's gonna beat it for sure.

Yeah, she's gonna beat it. You know why?

'Cause she's got the best doctor

in New York City.

Oh, scratch that.

She's got the best doctor in the galaxy.

Assuming there are space doctors

out there on some undiscovered planet.

Stop it. Wait, how was school?

- It was good.

- Yeah?

Yeah, I didn't save nobody's life,

but Mellon offered me a full-time gig.

- Really?

- Yeah.

That's great, baby!

You are an amazing teacher.

Thank you.

What took us so long to do this?

Uh, probably because it took you

seven years to ask.

Hmm.

You know, a part of me

thought you'd never propose.

Well,

it's like my favorite Justin Bieber song.

- "Never Say Never."

- Oh, yeah.

Or my second favorite

Justin Bieber song...

- "Sorry."

- That was a good one.

(Rob chuckles)

(gasps)

- Would you look at the flowers!

- Yeah, it's nice.

Oh, look at that one. It's beautiful.

- Hey, my man!

- What's up?

- Excuse me for one second.

- Oh, hi.

- What's up, man?

- What's up, buddy?

Hey, real quick,

did you know your mother sang back up

for The Gap Band on the Humpin' Tour?

Yeah, I think

she missed my birthday that year.

- First of many.

- Robbie, baby! (chuckles)

- Hey, Mama.

- Listen.

I was just about to tell Benjamin

about the time I was singing

with Rick James in 1984.

It was a lot of cigarettes,

Johnnie Walker Black,

and it involved a basement!

(laughing)

There's my beautiful baby girl.

- Daddy, hi!

- Hi, baby. Oh.

- Wow, you made it.

- Yes!

- How are you, sir? Good...

- You're late.

Yeah, we had a rough start.

But I think the worst part is behind us.

What Rob didn't tell you

is that he got a job offer today.

- Really?

- Larkin Prep wants him to teach full-time.

Oh, now, that's nice.

You're getting married,

working for the man,

like a productive member of society.

Yeah, but I didn't say I was gonna accept.

You know, the hours, from eight to three,

and then you have to stay behind

and grade papers.

Sounds like backbreaking work.

Rob is just so amazing with those kids.

They love him.

I mean,

he is going to make a great father.

(laughs)

And I cannot wait for the grandbabies.

Maybe we'll just wait a while

for the kids.

We'll just enjoy marriage, right?

You ordered the wrong font

for the programs.

I expect you to pick up the new ones

first thing tomorrow.

Okay. It's not like I have

anything important to do, right?

And, Rob, this is your wedding rehearsal.

You could at least wear a jacket.

- It is a jacket.

- It's a sweater.

Well,

it's kind of like a jacketed sweater.

It's a "swacket."

A swacket.

Dad, uh, where is Vicky?

Oh, she's checking you guys in

because Rob was so late.

We're all just trying to make this

the perfect wedding for you.

If only your mother were here.

Dad, I know, but she is here. She's here.

(phone ringing)

Oh, I have to take this.

An investor group is planning

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