Naked Page #2

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a hostile takeover of my company,

on this of all weekends.

You kids start without me. Hello?

What do you got? You're kidding me!

Is he really gonna miss the rehearsal?

It's okay.

I am the daughter of Reginald Swope.

- I'm used to it. Hi!

- Hi.

All right, loving family, let's rehearse.

- (Rob) Thank God we are here.

- (Ben) Yes.

Did I ever tell you that I love you,

but I hate your driving?

- Why, 'cause I know how to drive?

- You're terrible.

Yeah, whatever. I'm terrible.

Did you hear Megan's dad going on and on

about the programs?

Yes, and you need to tighten up, man,

because it's my responsibility

to make sure you handle your business.

What are you even talking about?

It's a fact that the best man

has his pick

of the single ladies at the wedding.

I don't want you making me look bad.

You don't need me.

You make yourself look bad.

Look at that Afro.

It's not coming back the third time.

You know what?

Just give me the ring. Come on.

Oh, ring... Uh...

Uh, must've packed it in the bag.

Megan told me you skipped out

on dance lessons, okay.

It's the first dance, man.

It means a lot to her, so lock it in.

Do you know I'm a natural dancer?

You know, my pop-lock is on fleek.

You know... Bah, bah!

All right.

Listen, how are your vows looking?

- I got 'em.

- Because you memorized 'em?

- Oh, no. I'm gonna wing it.

- Come on.

This is your wedding, man.

You can't just go half-ass it

like you do everything else in life.

Come on, you just can't do it...

Here comes Vicky. How do I look?

Like the Fat Albert kids went

to prep school.

Do I look nervous?

- Yeah, you look nervous.

- I do?

Boys. Here are your keys.

- And a porter will be out for your bags.

- Thank you.

- Hey, Vicky.

- Hey.

You look...

So, what is your policy

on wedding party relations?

Because I am so into that.

That's wonderful.

I would get more pleasure

from a plastic man doll.

So, you want me to bring the toys?

Wow.

(clears throat)

That was "no."

Congratulations, sir.

This must be the lucky lady.

- (Vicky) Oh, no.

- Oh, hell no. No!

- No, we tried that once.

- Just once.

It was weird. It was like hell,

if hell was really cold and wet,

like your grandma's moldy basement

after a bad flood.

- (engine revs)

- Hold up, is that Cody?

What is Megan's handsome, successful

ex-boyfriend doing here?

(sighs)

Rob!

Huh?

Nice car.

I was waiting for it to transform.

- What the hell are you doing here?

- Is that a cardigan?

- (women chattering)

- Holy sh*t.

She's gotten hotter.

(Cody) Hey, babe!

(chattering and laughing)

Cody.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Uh, what are you doing here?

Oh... there we go.

Your father made me his plus one.

Yeah, the old man gave me my start.

When he calls, I come running.

Made it sound

like Rob wasn't gonna show up.

Thought I might have to step in, so...

I brought a tux.

It's Armani.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'll be wearing a suit.

- Also Armani.

- (mouthing)

All right, let's get this party started!

All right, bachelorettes, in the bus.

Let's go.

All right, have fun. Good night!

Huh, Rob? Huh?

(Rob) Yeah. Good night.

Your dad's always full of surprises, huh?

What's next, prom date?

I'm sorry, babe.

You know, we haven't had time

to spend with each other.

Well, you know what's good?

The fact that you have the rest

of your life to make it up.

But what happens if I gain 50 pounds,

my hairline starts receding?

- Ooh.

- I stop making you smile.

I can deal with the bald head

and some love handles,

but you're gonna have to work

to make me smile.

(Rob) Hmm.

That's the easy part.

(laughs) It is!

I can't wait to see you tomorrow

in your tux, babe.

And you're gonna look beautiful

in your dress.

Oh, thank you.

(Rob) Bye!

- Bye!

- (Rob) Be safe.

All right.

See, now that woman

deserves a great wedding.

Yes, she does.

- You got a lot on your plate, Rob.

- Yeah.

- You sure you don't wanna stay in?

- Is the wedding tonight?

No.

One drink won't kill us.

(church bells ring)

Bye-bye, love

(pounding)

(groaning)

- (pounding)

- (mumbles)

Please!

Christ, for the love of God,

stop building sh*t!

(man) Hey, did you hear that?

(gasps)

(man) Hang on, buddy! I'm coming!

(pounding)

What in the hell?

(man) All right. I think we got it.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, no, we don't.

No, we don't got it.

Guys! I'm gonna need

just a little more time in here!

Everybody...

Everybody, y'all just take the next one!

Ocupado! Ocupado!

(elevator bell dings)

Finally!

(crowd gasps)

Oh! Oh!

You know what? Screw it.

I've been waiting for 20 minutes.

Are you in or out, guy?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

(man laughing)

(gasps)

Hi. Hi.

(woman) Hi.

- Hi.

- Excuse me, sir, you're naked.

Yeah. Um, listen, I need a room key.

I'm sorry,

but I didn't hear what you said.

I'm trying not to look at your junk.

(Rob) Okay, I need a room key.

- Thank you.

- Please.

- Oh, thank you.

- Name?

Rob Anderson.

I don't see your reservation.

Check under Swope.

Nothing under Swope, either.

- I'm in room 412.

- No, you're not.

- (stammers) Wait. Please, don't do that.

- Get security.

Listen, can I just use your phone, please?

Please?

Thank you. You are an angel.

Why should I feel

Discouraged?

- Why should the shadows...

- (cell phone vibrating)

This is Benny.

Hey, listen, I need you

to come downstairs to the lobby

and tell Cadbury McPocketsquare

that we have eight rooms in the hotel.

You're still at the hotel?

Yeah, where are you?

I am at the church.

You're at the what?

Boy, you did not go

to my wedding without me!

Dude, you weren't in your room, man.

I know, because I was stuck

in an elevator!

Wait, what?

Listen, I just need you

to come down here and get me

before everybody notices I'm gone.

Hey, Rob, I got something to tell you,

and I don't think you're gonna be

too jazzed up about it.

Did you pick up the programs?

Okay, two things.

Come on, Benny. I only gave you one job!

Dude, they weren't open, man.

So I kind of just came on down

to the church,

and the ceremony

kind of just started, man.

- No, no, it didn't.

- Yes, it did.

Look, I'm not saying it's ruined.

- Only half the guests have left so far.

- (groans)

But the mood up in here

is like menopause and PMS had a baby.

All right?

Plus, your mom over there playing...

I sing

Because I'm free

just a bunch of gospel songs.

No, tell me you're lying.

Man, look, she played "Amazing Grace"...

Oh, no!

"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."

Next on the playlist is

"What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

I ain't never heard so many slave songs

played back-to-back in my life.

It's so bad, Rob.

I wish we could trade places, man.

Yeah, I seriously doubt that

because I'm standing

in the hotel lobby completely naked.

- Buck-ass naked?

- Benny, this is not a joke.

Or course not, man. People are pissed.

All right, I'll be right there.

(sighs)

I'm supposed to be

at my wedding right now.

Congratulations.

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