Napoleon Dynamite

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[Birds Chirping]

## [Folk Pop]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Stops]

[Birds Chirping]

[Sighs]

[Vehicle Approaching]

What are you gonna do

today, Napoleon?

Whatever I feel like

I want to do. Gosh!

[Bell Rings]

[Woman]

Your current event, Napoleon.

Last week, Japanese scientists "explaced"--

placed explosive detonators

at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness...

to blow Nessie

out of the water.

[Girl Chuckles]

Sir Curt Godfrey

of the Nessie Alliance...

summoned the help of

Scotland's local wizards...

to cast a protective spell over the lake

and its local residents...

and all those who seek for

the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

[Chattering]

[Grunts]

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Hey, Napoleon, what'd you do

all last summer again?

I told you. I spent it with my uncle

in Alaska hunting wolverines.

- Did you shoot any?

- Yes, like 50 of 'em.

They kept tryin' to attack my cousins. What

the heck would you do in a situation like that?

- What kind of gun did you use?

- A frickin' 12-gauge. What do you think?

You think you're funny?

Just watch your step.

- But I didn't--

- [Indistinct]

[Groaning]

[Phone Ringing In Distance]

Hey, could I use your guys's

phone for a sec?

- Is there anything wrong?

- I don't feel very good.

[Line Ringing]

[Phone Ringing]

- Hi.

- Is Grandma there?

No, she's getting

her hair done.

[Sighs]

- What do you need?

- Can you just go get her for me?

- I'm really busy right now.

- Well, just tell her to come get me.

- Why?

- 'Cause I don't feel good.

- Well, have you talked to the school nurse?

- No, she doesn't know anything.

- Will you just come get me?

- No.

Well, will you do me

a favor then?

- What?

- Can you bring me my ChapStick?

- No, Napoleon.

- But my lips hurt real bad.

Just borrow some from the school nurse.

I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer.

I'm not gonna use hers,

you sicko.

- See ya.

- [Dial Tone]

[Groans]

Idiot!

[Woman On P.A.]

David Dempke, please come to the office.

[Woman On P.A.]

David Dempke, please come to the office.

- David Dempke.

- [Man] You do understand English?

This isn't that complex.

Look, the cafeteria's down the hall...

to the right and downstairs.

Hey, is that a new kid

or something?

Napoleon, this is Pedro.

Would you mind showing him

where his locker is?

Sure. Come on.

You know, there's, like,

a buttload of gangs at this school.

This one gang kept wanting me to join

'cause I'm pretty good with a bow staff.

Do you ride the bus

to school?

No. I ride my bike.

- What kind of bike do you have?

- It's a Sledgehammer.

Dang!

You got shocks, pegs.

Lucky!

You ever take it off

any sweet jumps?

[Dog Barking]

You got, like,

three feet of air that time.

Can I try it really quick?

[Groans]

Dang it!

[Groaning]

I love the way...

your sandy hair...

floats in the air.

To me it's like a lullaby.

I'm just flying by,

oh, so high...

like a kite

tied to a stake.

[Humming]

[Coughs]

How was school?

The worst day of my life.

What do you think?

- Well, I want you to go see

if Tina wants some of this.

- [Fly Buzzing]

[Sighs]

Kip hasn't done

flipping anything today.

Look, tonight me and your--

Kip, listen!

What?

Tonight me and your aunt are

gonna go visit some friends...

and we're not gonna

be back till tomorrow.

We're gettin' low on steak, so I got Lyle

comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.

- Well, what's there to eat?

- Knock it off, Napoleon.

Make yourself a dang

quesadilla!

- Fine!

- [Keys Jingling]

I'll be back tomorrow.

Stay home and eat all

the freakin' chips, Kip!

Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been

chatting online with babes all day.

Besides, we both know

I'm training to become a cage fighter.

Since when, Kip?

You have the worst reflexes of all time.

- Try and hit me, Napoleon.

- What?

I said come down here and see

what happens if you try and hit me.

Such an idiot.

Let me see what

your best move is.

- [Sighs]

- [Doorbell Rings]

- [Sighs]

- [Doorbell Rings]

I'll go get it.

Geez!

Um, hello.

Would you like to

look like this?

This is a girl.

Because for

a limited time only...

glamour shots by Deb

are 75% off.

I already get my hair cut

at the Cuttin' Corral.

Well, maybe you'd be interested

in some home-woven handicrafts.

- ## [Heavy Metal]

- [Man] I'm Rex...

founder of the Rex Kwon Do

Self-Defense System.

After one week with me in my dojo,

you'll be prepared to defend yourself...

with the strength

of a grizzly...

- [Groans]

- the reflexes of a puma...

and the wisdom of a man.

Come down today

for your free trial lesson!

In here we have

some boondoggle key chains.

A must-have for

this season's fashion.

I already made, like, infinity

of those at Scout camp.

Well, is anyone else here?

I'm trying to earn money

for college.

[Kip]

Your mom goes to college.

- [Laughter On TV]

- [Man On TV] Let's bring in that--

[Door Closes]

[Groans]

Tina, you fat lard.

Come get some dinner.

[Grunts]

Tina, eat.

Eat the food.

Eat the food!

[Grunting]

It'd be nice if you could

pull me into town.

My name is Rex, and if you study

with my eight-week program...

you will learn a system

of self-defense...

that I developed over two seasons

of fighting in the Octagon.

It's called Rex Kwon Do!

I need a volunteer.

Okay, you'll do.

Come up here.

Bow to your sensei.

Bow to your sensei!

Okay.

Now, I'm gonna give you

one chance.

One chance, people.

Give me your best shot.

All right.

That was pretty good. Okay.

Now, watch this, everybody.

Grab my arm.

The other arm.

My other arm.

Now watch this. I'm just gonna break

the wrist and walk away.

Break the wrist, walk away.

- Geez!

- Okay.

It's just that simple.

Now, I want you to kick me.

Come on. Kick me.

Okay, do it again.

Do it again.

- Ouch.

- Okay. You'll block it every time.

Have a seat.

Now, in addition to

what you just saw...

if you study with my eight-week program,

you're gonna learn these things.

First off...

Rex Kwon Do,

we use the buddy system.

No more flyin' solo. You need somebody

watching your back at all times!

Second off, you're gonna learn

to discipline your image.

Do you think I got

where I am today...

because I dress like

Peter Pan here?

Take a look at what

I'm wearing, people.

Do you think anybody wants

a roundhouse kick to the face...

while I'm wearin'

these bad boys?

Forget about it.

Last off...

my students will learn

about self-respect.

Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure

because I go home to Starla at night?

Forget about it!

Now, for only $300,

you can sign up right now...

for my eight-week program.

Well, that place

was a rip-off.

Hey, Lyle.

[Moos]

[Moos]

Nothin' on here works smooth.

- [Gunshot]

- [Screaming]

## [Piano]

## [Soft Rock]

## [Continues]

## [Ends]

[Chattering]

So me and you are pretty much

friends by now, right?

Yes.

So, you got my back

and everything?

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