National Security Page #4

it said, "CIA heist."

And?

- That's all I saw, "CIA."

- That's it?

Hey, look, man, I said I got peripheral

vision, not X-ray vision, man. All right?

Now, apparently, we are caught up

in some real live...

...complex-ass, espionage sh*t.

This is great, man, isn't it?

Me and you, man, we're security guards

out here acting like real cops.

- I was a real cop, Earl.

- Well, you must've loved it, huh?

I can't believe you gave that up.

Yeah. There's Route 1.

Stay on the freeway,

it's a lot faster.

They wanna keep a low profile.

They're gonna go Route 1.

Stay on the freeway.

No, on the freeway, come on.

- Don't!

- Oh, sh*t!

- Hey, come on!

- Freeway traffic, man.

- Stay on the freeway.

- We're in the middle of the street.

What are you doing?!

- Let go of the wheel!

- Freeway!

What are you doing, Hank?!

Oh, sh*t!

- God! Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Sh*t.

- Hey!

Sorry.

- Somebody was right about the freeway.

- What?

Look at that. You can't tell me

that ain't a big, red truck.

Yeah, yeah.

Gun under the seat.

Hank! Hank!

Hank!

Get off me!

- Hey!

- Shoot her, Hank.

Shoot this big b*tch.

Hank's about to shoot you.

No, I ain't gonna shoot anybody.

Put him down...

...in a minute or two. No hurry.

I don't like nobody messing with my rig.

Don't be a p*ssy, Hank. Shoot her!

You oversized, big-boot,

thick-ass, Jerry Springer-reject ass...

- Earl, come on. Let's go.

- No, man.

Shaq here owes me an apology.

But then again...

...what your name is?

Brittany.

Yeah?

Got a ring on every finger

except that lock down one, huh?

You like to wrestle?

Because that's my thing. I like to wrestle.

Earl. Earl, come on, let's go.

Why don't you give me your number?

And if you're nice, I'll show you

what a real big rig looks like.

Earl, come on!

- I'll call you.

- Let's go! The truck's leaving.

- I'm with you. Hold on, hold on.

- Come on!

- Think these are our guys?

- How the hell am I supposed to know?

No, wait. Wait. No.

Sorry.

Earl!

Earl, come on!

Come on, come on!

Swing around!

Oh, my knee!

Oh, sh*t.

Hey, come on!

Come on, come on.

- You did that on purpose.

- Look.

So that's why the cops

couldn't find the van.

Hey, do you know how

to hot-wire a car?

Oh, because I'm black, I automatically

know how to hot-wire a car?

- Do you know how or don't you?

- Yeah.

- But not because I'm black.

- Do it then.

- Move your leg, man. Close your legs.

- Get in there.

- See that?

- All right, go, go, go.

Okay.

See that spark when one of them

bumped into each other?

That's because that red wire

is what gives off all that energy.

- I don't care.

- See how that's sparking there?

Got it?

- How's that? What's that doing?

- Earl, the windshield wipers are on.

Must be a '94.

I touched the wrong one.

How's that?

- What's that?

- What the hell?

- Turn it off. Turn it off!

- Oh, come on.

Somebody's back in that trailer.

Let's take a look.

Eddie, look out!

- Do it. Come on, come on, come on.

- Yeah.

Go!

Oh, sh*t!

Thanks, Hank.

That's the second time in 20 minutes

you landed us in some sh*t.

Hey, you messing with Earl and Hank!

What the problem is?

Let's find out what the hell

is in these boxes.

Oh, Hank!

Oh, it stinks.

- Oh, damn!

- Sorry.

Damn, it looks like Christmas.

Except for these fish guts

and orange peels.

Please be guns. Please be guns.

What the hell is that?

This is a beer keg.

It doesn't make any sense.

It makes sense

when you put together the pieces.

What pieces?

It's obvious.

The CIA, they're smuggling alcohol...

...into the inner city in an effort

to further subjugate the black man.

Hey, do you actually believe the crap

that comes out of your mouth?

Oh, I'm never really sure

until I'm finished talking.

Think they all kegs?

Yeah. Nash. We got a problem.

Well, what we have here

appears to be...

...your average, garden-variety,

$22-deposit beer keg...

...but it's way too light.

- It must be light beer.

- Yeah, way too light.

Couldn't be a pound and a half.

Let's take a peek inside, huh?

Yeah, she's empty all right.

You think there's a double wall?

Something stashed in between?

Happy to take a look.

Put on the glasses, boys,

or you will go blind.

This torch burns

at 4000 degrees Fahrenheit...

...so let's slice open this can of peaches.

Incredible.

She's cold as ice.

Gorgeous.

Why don't you and the keg get a room?

Gentlemen, what we have here...

...is an Area 51, high-tech,

aerospace alloy.

It weighs next to nothing,

disperses heat instantaneously...

...and is resistant to almost

any force in man or nature.

Well, is it worth anything?

Yeah, millions!

Which is exactly why...

...I want you two to take this thing

and get the hell out of my shop.

Personally, I don't feel

like dying right now...

...and this is exactly the kind of sh*t

people get killed over.

Thanks.

We'll stash the van here

until we find out what's what.

- Whose garage is this?

- This guy I know. It doesn't matter.

No, no. This ain't no guy garage.

There ain't a power tool in here.

Let's go.

Hank, this box up here

got your name on it.

This wouldn't be

your girlfriend's house?

Could you do me a favor?

Could you stay out of my business?

Oh, well, lookie, lookie, lookie.

Looks like somebody got dissed, huh?

All right, let me guess, Hank.

Your girl left because you

beat the sh*t out of her.

No. Ironically, she left me...

...because I was convicted

of beating the sh*t out of somebody else.

Oh, me?

Man, go ahead with that, man.

Look, Hank, I'm just saying, man...

...I suppose that's what your attitude

is all about? Huh?

Hanky ain't getting no loving.

I'll be happy to go back in there...

...and straighten this

whole mess out.

- No, thanks, you've done enough.

- No, serious, Hank. I wanna do it, man.

Earl Montgomery is a love-maker,

not a love-taker.

Wait a second.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me you'd go in there

and tell Denise...

...I never harassed you,

and I went to jail for no reason?

Absolutely.

But you and I both know

you got exactly what you deserve.

Denise.

I hope they don't think we're breaking in.

She's not home.

Damn. Denise got one fine-looking maid.

- Excuse me?

- Earl...

...that is Denise. Hey.

- What do you want, Hank?

- I only wanna talk.

- Oh, you wanna talk?

- Yeah.

Or you wanna lie?

Because there's a difference, you know.

- I've always been honest with you.

- Of course.

You just forgot to tell me you were

beating up black men on your lunch.

Oh, snap. She's witty.

Yeah. She most definitely

got the upper hand.

Hey, could you be quiet

for a minute? Thanks.

- Look, I told you how...

- Yeah, I know, the bumblebee did it.

- Yeah.

- You lied to me, Henry.

Lies, lies. Lies just compound lies.

You know? But you saying

the same thing. Do your thing.

I didn't beat anybody, okay?

And I can prove it.

This is the man that I was accused

of assaulting. Okay, Earl.

- Hi.

- You got something you wanna say?

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