Neds Page #2

are they?

Before the Christmas break,

the top two in each class move up

and the bottom two move down.

If you can manage

to come in the top two,

and, more importantly, prove to me that

you're a different boy from your brother,

then you can move up to 1A1.

- Sir, I just don't understand...

- it's not for you to understand.

It's for me to understand.

Now, get back to your class.

Periods 3, 4, 5 and 6,

it's Latin with Mr Bonetti.

Well? We're all eager to hear

what the headmaster had to say.

If I work hard and behave myself,

I'm out of here before Christmas.

It's not a bloody prison sentence,

McGill. Sit down.

And copy what you've missed

off one of your classmates,

if they're not intimidated

by your superior intellect!

Periods 7 and 8, music.

Period 9, physical education.

Down here now, cow!

I want you down here now!

I want you here, cow!

I want you down here!

Don't make me come up there!

You fat slag!

Shh!

I want you down here, now!

Right now! Fat b*tch!

Come down here, right now!

Don't make me come up there!

Don't make me come up there!

You fat slag!

Come down here, right now!

Right now!

Fat b*tch.

Now...as you can see,

I've written the marks

in the top right-hand corner.

Now some of you,

if not indeed most of you,

might assume that

these are marks out of 10

and thus think that

you have done rather well.

But, in fact,

these are marks out of 100.

And you have embarrassed

yourselves.

One pupil, however, has embarrassed

himself more than all the others.

Stand up, Mr McGill.

Now before you all sharpen

your adolescent claws,

let me tell you

that the source of this young man's

embarrassment...

...lies not in failure

but in a shining success.

100 out of 100. Full marks.

Now, this shall no doubt,

result in you singling

Mr McGill out as a swot.

So, I have decided to take it

upon myself to get it in first.

You are a swot, Mr McGill.

You have the temerity

to exercise your intelligence

and thus rise above

the mediocrity of your peers.

Come on. Up you get.

Take your place upon the podium,

up here, on the upper level. Please.

An example to you all, boys.

Mr McGill...l salute you.

Round of applause for Mr McGill.

- All right. That's enough.

- Arsehole.

Any of those snowballs hit me, you'll

get a toe right up your arse.

Youse have been warned.

Oi! What one of youse two

threw that?

What's your name?

Right, listen up. I have averaged out

your various class marks.

Top of the class with 87%...

...Liam McCole.

Well done, McCole.

Second is 85%...

- ...John McGill.

- Yes!

Sit down, McGill.

Try and curb your enthusiasm.

- I thought I was going next door, sir.

- Sit down!

You could show your classmates

a little bit more respect.

Despite what you may think,

they have also worked hard

these last few months.

Third place, with 80%,

Stephen McLaughlin.

Fourth with 79%, Dean Walker.

Fifth, with 75%, Lloyd Butler.

Also with 75%...

Mitchell, Brown.

McCole, McGill.

Take your seats.

And stop your crying.

Why, whenever a boy is sent

to this class, he seems to think

he's in the beginning of a never-ending

downward spiral to failure?

Now I'm starting to take this personally!

I am just as good as any other teacher

in this or any other bloody school.

You don't know you're born.

You could have had, like me,

an education with the nuns...

Wait! Before you all...

Wait, shut up. Shut your mouth!

Before you all go away,

here, book tokens.

Third place...

...McKendrick. There we go.

Second place, Engels.

There you go.

And first, McGill.

All right, now you can go.

On your way. Enjoy your summers.

John, wait there, please.

Have fun.

You did very well this year.

Thank you, sir.

- Going on holiday with your family?

- No, sir.

Boys your age can find themselves

with nothing to do over the summer.

And sometimes they get themselves

into trouble.

So try and keep yourself occupied.

There's a friend of mine runs

a summer school for kids like yourself.

Keeps them fit.

I think you'd get a lot out of it.

- Understand?

- Yes, sir.

Go. Enjoy yourself.

Oh, no, I'm not having this again.

No way.

Bad enough your father turning this

place into a doss house without you...

What are you staring at?

When you near your illness read out,

put your hand up. Okay?

All right. Er...perforated eardrum?

Okay.

Er....diabetic'? Good.

Okay. Epilepsy? All right, buddy.

And who's the other asthmatic?

Okay.

Glass eye?

Oh, that's good.

It looks...a good one.

Er...hole in the heart?

Okay.

- And you've had the operation?

- Aye.

Your mammy's happy you're here?

Aye? Good, good, good, okay.

- Right, what have you got?

- I've got verrucas, sir.

"Verrucassir"? Oh, verrucas, right.

What's a "verrucassir"?

Yourself?

Have you?

- You're a bit young, are you?

- Just sort of happened, you know.

How do you spell that, do you know?

What about youse boys? You must

have something wrong with you.

No?

Well, you two better keep

eating your porridge,

cos it looks as if the future of

the human race is gonna depend on you.

Right, okay.

Fielders, go to the field.

Batters, get behind me...Satan.

This is f***ing amazing, man.

You're rich.

It's my dad's player

but he lets me borrow his records.

Try them. Sounds f***ing amazing.

- Will I take them out?

- Aye. Put them on.

Here. You ready?

- This is f***ing amazing, man.

- What?

F***ing amazing, man!

Bring your friend down for some

juice and biscuits, please, Julian.

- We have to go down.

- Down where?

For some juice and biscuits.

There we go.

- So what's your name?

- John.

- And which school do you go to, John?

- St John of the Cross.

Oh, so is that Lourdes Chapel

you attend?

- Yeah.

- Oh? Biscuit?

Thanks.

- And what does your father do?

- He's a toolmaker.

- Do you have brothers and sisters?

- Two.

What about your mother?

Does she work?

She's part-time.

In a supermarket or something?

No. She's a nurse

in the Southern General.

Oh...

And what do you want to do

when you leave school?

- Go to work with your father?

- No. I want to go to university.

Really? And study what?

I dunno.

Is this one of them?

No. No, he's not one of them.

You better not be

pissing me about, son.

- What you running for?

- Don't know.

- Where do you stay?

- Dove Street.

- What's your name? Name?

- John McGill.

Are you sure he wasn't one of them?

I'm not repeating myself to you,

you prick.

If you're f***ing with me, son,

I'll come back and do you worse

than those boys ever could.

- You got me?

- Got you.

On your way, son.

F***ing state of them, man.

How do you not just get a new pair?

- Can't afford them.

- How? Your mum and da are minted.

Say they spend too much

on my school fees.

- I can give you my pair if you want.

- How come?

My ma says if I get a paper round,

then I can get a Provy cheque.

- What's a Provy cheque?

- You never heard of a Provy cheque?

F***'s sake!

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