New Girl

INT. TAXI. NIGHT.

JESSICA DAY, late twenties, sits in a taxi with a largewinter coat on. She’s on the phone. It’s summer in New York.

JESS (INTO PHONE)

It’s a surprise for him. I’m going

to walk in and just drop my coat onthe ground. What do you think?

INT. CECE’S APARTMENT. CROSS CUT.

Jess’ model-beautiful best friend, CECE MEYERS, is putting onher shoes in front of the mirror.

CECE:

Why don’t you hang it up?

JESS:

No...

(speaking softly)

I’m not wearing anything

underneath.

The DRIVER looks back at her through the rearview mirror.

CECE:

What? I can’t hear you.

JESS:

I’m... I’m naked under my coat.

CECE:

Are you whispering something?

JESS:

(louder)

I’m naked!

The sound of the cab swerving a little in traffic.

JESS (CONT’D)

(softer)

I think the cab driver knows.

CECE:

It’s August, Jess. Anyone who’s

wearing a winter coat is eithernaked or a hoarder.

(then)

This will be good for you guys. Yougot to keep it spicy.

(MORE)

2.

CECE (CONT'D)

I don’t understand how you still

have sex at all after seven years.

I’d have to take Ambien and pretendit’s all a dream.

JESS:

He said he has this fantasy thatI’m a stripper with a heart of

gold. And he’s helping me putmyself through college-

CECE:

He didn’t say the college part, didhe?

JESS:

Nope.

CECE:

What’s your stripper name?

JESS:

I don’t know. Rachel Johnson.

CECE:

Your stripper name is RachelJohnson?

JESS:

Now, I’m nervous-

CECE:

Jess. Remember in 6th grade when wewere freaks and no one would talk

to us? Did you ever think you’d

have a boyfriend?

JESS:

No, I thought I’d be the crazy

woman living over your garage.

CECE:

Now look at you. You’re naked in

the back of a cab. I’m so proud of

you.

Jess beams.

JESS (V.O.)

You know in horror movies, when the

girl hears the sound in thebasement...

3.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET. MOMENTS LATER.

Jess gets out of the cab, and a soccer ball rolls over toher. She kicks it back to TWO BOYS playing...

JESS (V.O.)

And she’s like: “Oh my god, what’s

that sound? I better go downstairsin the dark while only wearing myunderwear...” And you’re like,

“What is your problem? Call the

police!”

The boys just stare. Her coat has fallen open. She doesn’t

realize it- just smiles and waves. She runs up the steps of abrownstone.

INT. APARTMENT- CONTINUOUS.

Jess walks into a small cozy apartment for two.

JESS (V.O.)

That’s what my break-up was like. Ishould’ve just called the cops.

JESS:

Heeey... I’m home...

Her boyfriend, SPENCER, walks out in his boxers, surprised.

Jess drops her coat. We stay above the shoulders, of

course...

JESS (CONT’D)

(sexy singing)

Duh-duh-duh...

SPENCER:

Jess-

Jess turns her back to Spencer and starts shaking her tush.

She doesn’t see a HOT GIRL come out and stand there, staring.

JESS:

(singing, oblivious)

Duh-duh, sexy, naked, it’s all

happening... Sexy, sexy, I’m doin’sexy stuff to this plant...

The plant falls over.

4.

JESS (CONT’D)

Oh, okay, I’ll pick it up later-

(singing)

Duh-duh- Who’s that girl?

She does a big jump and spins around.

JESS (CONT’D)

(singing)

That’s Jess!

Jess finally sees the girl. A moment of silence.

HOT GIRL:

I like your bow.

A red stick-on bow falls on the floor. FREEZE FRAME.

JESS (V.O.)

So that’s what happened.

INT. A LOFT. DAY- A COUPLE WEEKS LATER.

Reveal the voice-over is coming from Jess in present day...

JESS:

That’s why I need a new apartment.

She’s facing THREE GUYS, mid twenties: SCHMIDT, slick, button-

up shirt, NICK, hoodie, and COACH, large and in sweat pants.

If you squint, they look like the three stages of theevolution of man...

MAIN CREDITS:

BACK TO THE LOFT:

NICK:

Come on. You had no idea he was

cheating on you?

JESS:

No. We’d been dating forever. I

thought I- I thought I knew him-

Jess starts crying a little. The guys glance at each other.

JESS (CONT’D)

It’s okay- I’m just emotional right

now... You know how it is.

The guys stare at her blankly. They have no idea.

5.

JESS (CONT’D)

It’s weird. When I saw your ad on

Craigslist, I thought you weregirls-

SCHMIDT:

(very defensive)

What? Why? Why would you thinkthat? That’s crazy.

NICK:

Schmidt wrote the ad.

JESS:

I guess because you described thecurtains as “beige-y”.

Schmidt takes off his t-shirt, revealing a rock hard six-

pack. He runs his hand up and down them.

SCHMIDT:

What about these? Are these beige-

y?

JESS:

This isn’t going to work, right? I

mean, you don’t want to live with agirl. I’m going through a break-up

and I’m a teacher, so I’m going to

be bringing home like a lot ofpopsicle sticks and stuff, andsometimes when I’m sad I pretend tobe Carrie Bradshaw and I put onweird bras and type on my computer.

Oh yeah, and I sing to myself. Alot.

(sung)

A lot.

SCHMIDT:

Are you going to shower naked?

JESS:

I mean- yeah?

SCHMIDT:

Then yes. Yes we want to live with

you.

COACH:

No. She’ll tear us apart. She’ll

make me wear pants. I want to siton that couch and let my beans out.

6.

Jess immediately stands up from the couch.

JESS:

So I’m going to go-

NICK:

Wait, sorry. We’re idiots. Give us

a shot. Take a look at the

apartment.

SCHMIDT:

Nick. Come on. We’re not desperate.

We’ve got a lot of options.

INT. GUYS’ LOFT. FLASHBACK.

GUY:

One thing about me. I love soup.

(a long, weird beat)

I. Love. Soup.

INT. GUY’S LOFT. FLASHBACK.

A GUY IN HIS FIFTIES wearing LIPSTICK.

GUY:

Weeeell. Full disclosure. I’m

definitely a morning person.

BACK TO LOFT:

NICK:

We’re desperate. Our buddy moved

out three weeks ago.

JESS:

I’m sorry, I don’t think-

SCHMIDT:

Wait, you’re telling me you had no

idea that guy was cheating on you?

JESS:

No. I told you. And I don’t really

want to talk about it-

SCHMIDT:

Did he lose a lot of socks?

JESS:

Yeah. So?

7.

SCHMIDT:

Where do you think those sockswere?

JESS:

I don’t... oh.

NICK:

Did he take his phone into thebathroom?

JESS:

He thought it was rude to talk atthe table.

COACH:

How many showers did he take a day?

JESS:

Two. One after the... gym.

NICK:

Whose idea was it to move in

together?

JESS:

Well, my lease was up, so...

They all stare at her.

NICK:

(softly)

Keyser Soze!

JESS:

Oh my god. You guys are geniuses.

NICK:

No. We’re guys.

SCHMIDT:

Come take a look at my room.

(then)

Wow. I’ve never said that to a girland not meant sex.

As they’re walking away...

JESS:

So, wait, my boyfriend took thisclass on Chinese Tea Ceremonies

every Thursday....

As Nick shakes his head, cut to:

8.

QUICK SHOTS:

Jess moves in her boxes, while crying uncontrollably.

JESS (V.O.)

In the words of Kanye West, breakups

are hard.

INT. THE LOFT. MORNING. ANOTHER DAY.

Jess wears a large flannel and jeggings. She is cutting up anapple at the table with Nick and Coach.

JESS (V.O.)

Just when you think you haveeverything under control, youdon’t...

Nick watches with Coach. Nick hands her a banana.

NICK:

Banana?

JESS:

(breaking into sobs)

My. Life. Is. A. Lie.

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