New Girl Page #2

NICK:

When she cries, it sort of sounds

like Rihanna.

JESS:

(crying, like Rihanna)

Eh! Eh! Eh!

INT. THE LOFT. ANOTHER DAY.

Jess is in front of the TV watching “Pretty Woman,” dippingSaltines in fried rice. She’s in a sort-of trance. Nick,

Schmidt, and Coach watch from the table.

SCHMIDT:

She’s watched that movie seven

times. I know all the lines now. I

don’t want to know the lines to

“Pretty Woman.” What if I’m talkingto a girl and all of a sudden I’m

just like, “Ohh, I’m not wearing

pantyhose!”

9.

COACH:

She ate all the food I have stashed

in the couch.

NICK:

You have food stashed in the couch?

COACH:

Yeah. Obvi.

INT. THE LOFT. ANOTHER NIGHT.

Schmidt comes home from a night out, making out with a HOTGIRL in the doorway. Suddenly, the girl stops making out withSchmidt and sees Jess watching “Pretty Woman” in the dark.

HOT GIRL:

Oo, I love “Pretty Woman”!

The girl runs to the couch and sits next to Jess, leavingSchmidt standing there.

REVEAL Coach sitting on the couch next to them reciting allthe lines, as if in a trance.

COACH:

(doing voices)

I was in here yesterday, youwouldn’t wait on me- Oh. - You

people work on commission, right? -

SCHMIDT:

Nick!

JESS (V.O.)

The problem was I didn’t know who Iwas without him. I was like a

frozen computer. I tried to clickon stuff, but all I had was that

little spinning pinwheel thing. Orsomething.

INT. LIVING ROOM. SAME TIME.

The kitchen is a mess with open jars and food products. Jessis sitting on the floor eating bread, on her ex-boyfriend’s

Facebook page. She’s singing “My Favorite Things.”

10.

JESS:

(singing)

Raindrops on roses and whiskers onkittens- I hate you, I hate you, Ihate you

(takes a big mouth full ofbread)

I miss you.

REVEAL Nick, Schmidt, and Coach are standing together andwatching her on the floor.

SCHMIDT:

We got to get her out of here.

Jess, startled, turns around. In a moment of panic, shethrows the bread across the room.

JESS:

It’s not mine!

(then)

Oh god. This is bad, right?

SCHMIDT:

Yeah. It’s been a week. I can’t

live like this. I brought a girlhome the other night, and shethought I had a baby. I’m taking

you out. I’m going to get you a

rebound. Shower sex. Hopefully.

NICK:

This is not going to work.

JESS:

Can I wear this flannel?

SCHMIDT:

Wait, let me see it for a second.

Jess takes it off and hands it to Schmidt. Schmidt

immediately takes a pair of scissors, cuts it up into tinypieces in the sink.

INT. GARFIELD ELEMENTARY. HALLWAY. LATER THAT DAY.

Jess is walking down the hallway, on the phone. As she walks,

kids say hi to her and slap her high-five. She’s clearly oneof the most popular teachers.

CECE (FROM PHONE)

So, good, they’re taking you out...

11.

STUDENT:

Hey, Ms. Day.

Jess slaps the student high-five.

JESS:

Ceec, I feel great. Why have Inever had guy friends before?

INT. SOUND STAGE. CROSS CUT.

Cece, in a bizarre deconstructed designer dress, sits in adirector’s chair getting primped and poked by makeup and hairpeople. She talks on the phone.

CECE (INTO PHONE)

Yeah, that’s so weird...

INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM- FLASHBACK.

A TEENAGE JESS is sitting at the piano with her legs splayed.

She sings “Silent All These Years” by Tori Amos with a lot ofemotion.

ON TEENAGE CECE, watching in the crowd, her arm draped over ahot guy who looks like Jordan Catalano, shaking her head inshame.

JESS:

(singing)

So you found a girl who thinksreally deep thoughts! What’s so

amazing about really deep thoughts?

Boy, you best hope that I bleedreal soon...

A GUY IN THE AUDIENCE runs out of the auditorium gagging.

BACK TO PRESENT:

JESS (CONT’D)

They’re going to help me pick up

dudes. Like real ones. I gotta lookhot.

Jess passes a group of OLDER WOMAN TEACHERS who waveenthusiastically and make “hang loose” hand gestures. Some 10YEAR OLD students have started following her.

CECE (INTO PHONE)

Just don’t take anything from Lost

and Found again- Jess? I’m serious.

12.

JESS:

Of course not. I gotta go.

CECE (INTO PHONE)

Jess-

Jess stops in front of a Lost and Found box. She holds up astriped sweater. She puts it on. It fits, but snug.

JESS:

What do you think of this?

Jess turns around and talks to the nearby group of ADORING 10YEAR OLDS. All of the girls “Oo and Aah.” One of the little

boys in the group speaks up.

YOUNG BOY:

(a la Rachel Zoe)

Die. Die. Love. Die.

INT. SCHMIDT’S OFFICE. MEETING ROOM. SAME TIME.

A staff meeting at Schmidt’s suit-and-tie, high stress officefilled with ball-busting WOMEN. MANDY, his douchiest coworker

bothers him as he tries to text.

MANDY:

Victoria’s Secret party on

Saturday. Are you on the list?

SCHMIDT:

(covering his panic)

Yeah. Obviously. We go every year.

His FEMALE BOSS comes in.

FEMALE BOSS:

Hey Schmidt, nice tie. Can I borrowa tampon?

All Schmidt’s female co-workers snicker and high-five.

SCHMIDT:

You know what- I’m not a sex

object. I’m just trying to do my

work, do a good job...

More laughter. One of the women makes a cat noise.

INT. SCHMIDT’S OFFICE. BULLPEN. LATER.

Schmidt looks at the Victoria’s Secret website, on the phone.

13.

SCHMIDT (INTO PHONE)

We need Caroline, Nick. She can getus in.

INT. THE LOFT. CROSS CUT.

Nick is sitting next to a pile of L-SAT books, but readingone of Jess’ copies of US Weekly.

NICK (FROM PHONE)

I’m not calling her.

SCHMIDT (INTO PHONE)

Listen to me. Knowing, every year,

that I will go to the Victoria’s

Secret Wild West Charity Auctionfor Poverty reminds me that eventhough these women make fun of meand they slap my ass on theelevator, I’m still a man and I can

still motorboat a girl dressed likea Native American.

INT. VICTORIA’S SECRET PARTY. FLASHBACK.

Schmidt, incredibly drunk, with his shirt off, is motor-

boating a girl dressed as Pocahontas. He looks up.

SCHMIDT:

I’m never going to die!

General cheers.

BACK TO OFFICE/THE LOFT- CROSS CUT:

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)

Just call her. You call her when

you get drunk all the time.

NICK:

I don’t know to what you are

referring.

INT. THE LOFT. FLASHBACK.

Nick, drunk, speaking into his cell in a cockney accent.

NICK (INTO PHONE)

‘Ello Caroline... Caroline... No,

it’s not Nick, it’s Tiny Tim...

14.

BACK TO OFFICE/THE LOFT- CROSS CUT:

SCHMIDT:

Nick. Call her.

NICK:

Schmidt. I’m not calling her.

SCHMIDT:

Perfect. Tell me. Why did you letthe girl who does PR for Victoria’sSecret dump you?

NICK:

She didn’t love me anymore.

SCHMIDT:

You can work around that. Look at

your parents.

(seeing something)

No. No.

ON a group of young guys, including BENJAMIN (we’ll meet himlater), holding up cowboy hats to a group of women.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)

The interns are going.

(then)

You have 24 hours.

Schmidt hangs up on him. Mandy pokes her head over.

MANDY:

Ha, ha. You suck.

SCHMIDT:

One day, Mandy, I will defeat you.

INT. SQUEEZE GYM. OFFICE. A LITTLE LATER.

Coach sits across from his boss, Bob, at the Squeeze Gymwhere he’s a trainer. They both wear Squeeze t-shirts. Coachis eating a power bar. Boss watches him warily.

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