New Girl Page #3

BOSS:

So... you’re eating that whole

thing?

(Coach keeps chewing)

You know, Coach, people need tolook at you and think: “I want to

look like that.”

(Coach keeps chewing)

15.

BOSS (CONT’D)

Okay. So. There have been fivecomplaints just in the past week.

COACH:

So I should stop teaching spinclass and go back to weights, huh?

BOSS:

I know you want to get back to theweights, but I need you teaching aspin class.

(then)

Did you pretend you had a gun inyour pocket to make a woman spinfaster?

INT. SQUEEZE GYM. FLASHBACK.

Squeeze Gym. Coach’s Spin Class. 3-4 SCARED WOMEN are

spinning as Heavy Metal music plays. Coach yells, drillsergeant style. He pretends to have a gun in his pocket.

COACH:

(in a woman’s face)

YOU’RE WEAK!

As the woman is about to scream:

BACK TO OFFICE.

COACH:

She burned 800 calories. What do

you want me to do...

(doing a silly voice)

Be friendly with them and talk tothem-

BOSS:

Yes. That’s exactly what I want.

INT. THE LOFT. LATER THAT DAY.

Coach sits in the living room. Jess, wearing the same tightstriped sweater from Lost and Found, is trying to figure outhow to use a hair straightener.

COACH:

Hey.. How do you talk to women?

16.

JESS:

You’re doing it right now.

COACH:

No, for real.

JESS:

I’m a woman.

COACH:

No, for real.

JESS:

Well, you know what I tell myfourth graders- if you don’t

understand someone, try to putyourself in their shoes.

COACH:

Yeah right. I’m not wearing girl

stuff.

(then)

Why is your hair on fire?

Jess screams and runs into the bathroom...

INT. THE LOFT. BATHROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Jess takes her hair out of the straightener. It’s a half

burnt, wavy mess. She looks down at the box where KimKardashian is smiling up at her and giving her a thumb’s up.

She looks at herself in the mirror, about to cry.

JESS:

You can do this.

(singing)

Your hair looks crazy, but you’re

still on top! That’s Jess!

Jess high-fives herself in the mirror, leaves the bathroomand heads into her room. She opens the door to find...

INT. THE LOFT. JESS’ BEDROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Coach wearing Jess’ jeggings in front of her mirror.

JESS COACH:

Aaaaah! My jeggings! You told me to- They looklike jeans!

Jess shuts the door to her room. She sits outside. Schmidt

walks by, looking amazing.

17.

SCHMIDT:

Okay, let’s do this. How long is itgoing to take you to get dressed?

JESS:

I’m dressed.

Schmidt stares at her.

SCHMIDT:

Right. Sort of Grandma-hot. I couldgo there with you. Listen, itwouldn’t be my first choice, but I

could go there. Let’s do this.

COACH:

(from inside the room)

I can’t get them off... they’re too

tight...

Schmidt looks at her, weirded out. She shrugs.

INT. THE BAR. NIGHT.

Schmidt, Coach, and Jess sit on stools, as Nick tends bar. A

girl walks by, flips off Schmidt.

JESS:

Does she know you?

SCHMIDT:

No, Jess. Not the real me.

COACH:

(quietly to Jess)

They looked like jeans.

JESS:

(softly to him)

It’s okay. I accept you.

Schmidt points at A HOT GUY at the end of the bar.

SCHMIDT:

Okay. Him.

JESS:

He looks like you.

SCHMIDT:

You’re right. He’s out of yourleague.

18.

Nick is one of the bartenders- he delivers drinks.

NICK:

Beers. And... a Rosé.

JESS:

Pink wine makes me slutty. One sip

of pink wine and I’m like Fergie in

the Black-Eyed Peas. I’m like the

Incredible Slut.

(to a passing guy)

How you doin?

SCHMIDT:

Now listen to me. I know at some

point someone in your life told you

that it was okay to be exactly who

you are and that one day you’d find

a man who loves the real you- a man

who just lives to rub on your

hairy, hairy legs.

(then)

That’s not going to be tonight.

You’re going to take off that

sweater, because it smells like

apple sauce... And you’re going to

go over there, and you’re going to

hide your crazy. Because that guy

broke your heart and the only way

it’s going to stop hurting is if

you go do some bad things with that

man, right over there.

NICK:

Listen to him. He’s like Mary

Poppins for rebound sex.

SCHMIDT:

Here’s what’s going to happen. You

walk over there. You stand next to

him. You smile.

Jess smiles a large, toothy smile.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)

You don’t smile like that.

Jess smiles using her lips to cover her teeth.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)

Nope.

Jess shows a little teeth- it looks weirder.

19.

NICK:

You look like a young Susan Boyle.

SCHMIDT:

No smile. If he checks you out,

make eye contact, but just for asecond. Don’t speak unless hespeaks to you. What did I just say?

JESS:

I got this.

Jess takes a swig of her pink wine and walks over. She sidlesup next to the guy. The GUY quickly checks her out. Jesswaits. A beat. She can’t help herself.

JESS (CONT’D)

Hey Sailor...

Jess makes a weird half-toothy, half-toothless smile. Helooks scared.

Over his shoulder, we see Nick laughing and Schmidt banginghis head against the bar.

Benjamin, the intern, and Mandy walk up with another friend,

PETER.

MANDY:

Schmidt. This is Benjamin. He’s an

intern. We’re boning. Can I get

some shots up in this b*tch?

SCHMIDT:

(to Nick)

Check his ID.

MANDY:

What are you- like a bartender?

NICK:

Yup.

MANDY:

Weird.

BENJAMIN:

(to Schmidt)

I heard you’re not coming to the

party Saturday. I heard you’re not

on the list. Suuuucks bro.

Schmidt looks at Nick: “You’re going to let this happen?”

20.

NICK:

Oh, we’re going.

Schmidt smiles. Jess walks up behind them.

BENJAMIN:

Whoa. You scared me.

PETER:

What’s up, I’m Peter.

Jess just stares at them, trying to make her mouth into asexy smile. Everyone waits for her to speak.

MANDY:

Do you guys smell applesauce?

JESS:

You’re mean.

Jess hits Mandy with a light girly smack.

MANDY:

Oh my god!

Mandy lightly hits her back. Jess lightly hits her back.

SCHMIDT:

Yes! Yes!

The guys break it up.

JUMP CUT- LATER:

Schmidt plays Big Buck Hunter with Coach.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)

Wait. You put on her pants?

COACH:

Not pants. Jeggings. Jeans plusleggings. Can I show you something?

He lifts his shirt to reveal the jeggings.

COACH (CONT’D)

I couldn’t get them off.

AT THE BAR:

Jess and Nick are at the bar. ANOTHER GUY walks up.

JESS:

Hi.

21.

GUY:

I have a girlfriend.

JESS:

Wow. I just said Hi. I can’t hide

my crazy.

NICK:

Where would you hide it? One morepink wine.

JESS:

Maybe you should be my rebound. Youknow? Just get it over with. Getall that sexual tension off the

table.

NICK:

Okay, sure.

JESS:

Wait, seriously?

NICK:

Sure. But I mean, you’ll fall in

love with me. And then you’llrealize I’m emotionally stunted andincapable of love, and I’ve been

studying for the bar exam for threeyears and that’s not normal. And,

in the morning, when you just wantto eat your breakfast, I’ll be

picturing you naked. And then oneof us has to move. So, yeah, weshould totally hook up.

JESS:

(then)

You got dumped, didn’t you?

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