New Girl Page #4

NICK:

No.

JESS:

It takes one to know one. What

happened?

NICK:

I don’t need to talk about it. I’m

fine- I’m not the one crying on thefloor.

JESS:

Fine.

22.

NICK:

Fine.

Schmidt comes up to them, points to PETER, on the other endof the bar.

SCHMIDT:

Hey. The intern’s little friend

wants to talk to you.

JESS:

Why? I gave him the Boyle smile. IBoyled him.

SCHMIDT:

I laid some ground work. Go.

JESS:

Yes! Okay.

Jess bends at the waist, flipping her hair over. She fluffsit with her fingers, shaking it out. Peter sees her doing it.

SCHMIDT:

Stop. Stop whatever you’re doing

right now.

Jess shakes her hair back and forth violently, hittingSchmidt in the face. Then Jess walks over to the guy.

NICK:

What did you do?

Schmidt shrugs. He takes a swig of a beer.

SCHMIDT:

Why do we never have friends thatare girls?

NICK:

Yeah, Schmidt, I have no idea.

INT. THE LOFT. LIVING ROOM. FLASHBACK.

Schmidt sits on a couch next to a NICE GIRL.

SCHMIDT:

Let’s just be friends.

NICE GIRL:

Totally.

A beat. And then Schmidt and the Girl start making out.

23.

BACK TO BAR:

SCHMIDT:

You know, I don’t even really thinkof her as a girl. I think of her asa chubby little alien who islearning the ways of the human.

(alien voice)

A. Fork. Can. I. Eat. It?

Jess suddenly comes back, angry. She slaps a twenty down.

JESS:

You paid him to talk to me?

NICK:

Wow. Only twenty dollars?

JESS:

You know what? You’re just-

Peter walks by.

PETER:

See you tomorrow... Sailor.

JESS:

Can’t wait. Should I call or- cool!

Peter’s gone. Nick and Schmidt stare, surprised.

NICK:

What? What’s happening tomorrow?

JESS:

Dinner. With food.

She “raises the roof.”

JESS (CONT’D)

(singing)

Who’s that girl? It’s Jess! She’s

on fiiiiire!

NICK:

What is that- did you make up atheme song for yourself?

JESS:

You know, some guys like that Idon’t limit myself to the

conventional ideas of what’s sexy.

Some guys like my hairy legs- Maybenot Spencer, but...

24.

NICK:

Oh god. Are you going to cry?

JESS:

Yes! I am! What’s wrong with it?

What’s wrong with having feelings?

What are you so afraid of? You gotdumped. Just admit it sucks.

Instead of just standing therebeing like, “I know everything. I’m

Nick. I’m smarter than everyone.”

NICK:

Okay, but when you were imitatingme, your voice actually went higher-

JESS:

“I’m Nick, and I have a low voice.”

(to Schmidt)

And you- you are just wrong. I’m

not going to have anotherrelationship based on lies-I want

to be with a guy who doesn’t want

to play games, who likes honesty-

SCHMIDT:

How’d you get him to go out with

you?

JESS:

I said I needed rebound sex.

Jess “raises the roof.”

NICK:

You should be careful with that

roof. We wouldn’t want it to fall

down-

JESS:

I’m going out with that guy

tomorrow. And we may or may not getto third or fourth base. It is on!

She does a strange hip-thrusting dance and walks away. As sheturns around, REVEAL that her skirt is tucked into the back

of her LARGE GRANNY PANTIES.

NICK:

Should we tell her?

SCHMIDT:

I think we let her have her moment.

25.

ON JESS:

JESS:

(singing to herself)

She got a date in a bar with a realdude- She’s on fiiiiire!

(stops, realizing)

Wait, where am I going? I didn’t

actually have to go anywhere...

INT. COFFEE SHOP. THE NEXT DAY.

Nick sits across from CAROLINE, his ex-girlfriend.

CAROLINE:

Nick.

NICK:

Caroline. Just so you know- I amtotally over you.

CAROLINE:

Good. Does that mean you’re going

to stop prank calling me?

NICK:

What? That’s crazy.

CAROLINE:

(cockney)

‘Ello Caroline-Oi still love you.

(then)

So what is this about? The party?

NICK:

No... But if you could get us in-

CAROLINE:

No.

NICK:

Okay. Fine. I should probably...

(this hurts to say)

Why did you dump me?

CAROLINE:

Nick. Are you actually having afeeling that you’re not making a

joke about?

NICK:

Can you just- just tell me.

26.

CAROLINE:

Because. When I met you, you wantedto change the world. And you werecrazy and fun and trying to figureit out. And then your parents toldyou to go to law school. And youjust gave up. You stopped caringabout everything. Including me.

NICK:

(after a beat)

Oh. That’s it? That’s not bad. I

thought you were sleeping withsomeone else.

CAROLINE:

Nick. I’m glad you called.

NICK:

(cockney)

‘Oim glad, ‘oney.

CAROLINE:

(smiling)

Fine. You’re on the list.

Suddenly REVEAL Schmidt at the next table who had been hidingbehind a Village Voice. He stands up, pumping his fists.

CAROLINE (CONT’D)

Has he been there the whole time?

Of course he has.

SCHMIDT:

Caroline. I’ve missed hearing you

guys have sex. It was like hearingdolphins playing with a ball.

INT. SQUEEZE GYM. SPIN CLASS. SAME TIME.

Coach’s spin class has transformed. Soft acoustic guitar

music plays. Coach is wearing jeggings and trying to be nice.

COACH:

Would you like to go a littlefaster?

WOMAN ON BIKE:

I can’t...

27.

COACH:

What about now? Would you like togo any faster now? I would reallylike you to go faster.

The woman, creeped out, leaves. Another woman leaves. Thatonly leaves a CHUBBY 11 year old GIRL.

COACH (CONT’D)

Hey, aren’t you going to go too?

CHUBBY GIRL:

My mom said if I don’t exercise,

she’s taking my phone. I like your

jeggings. I didn’t think guys wore

those. They make fun of them atschool.

COACH:

Jeggings are awesome.

CHUBBY GIRL:

You’re awesome. Look. I made jorts.

Chubby girl shows him her cut-off jeggings. Chubby Girl’s MOMruns into the room and grabs Chubby Girl out of the class.

MOM:

Was the man in tights making youfeel uncomfortable?

INT. THE LOFT. LATER THAT NIGHT.

Cece, looking gorgeous as per usual, sits on the couchwaiting for Jess. Nick and Schmidt sit opposite her, staring.

CECE:

Does the dress fit, Jess?

JESS (FROM OFF)

Ummm...

The sounds of things falling.

SCHMIDT:

Cece, Are you warm? I’m a little...

warm.

NICK:

No, Schmidt-

Schmidt takes off his shirt. His abs are oiled up.

28.

CECE:

All that oil- can’t be good for thecouch.

SCHMIDT:

Cecilia.

(Italian accent)

Che-cilia. What are your hopes anddreams? Tell me everything.

COACH (FROM OFF)

What’s up, jerks?

Coach walks into the room, then stops in his tracks when hesees Cece.

CECE:

Hi, I’m Cece, Jess’ friend from

growing up-

COACH:

What- are you a model or something?

CECE:

Yes. Yeah. Mostly print right now-

I’m saving money so I can go to an

engineering program. I’m really

interested in video game design.

A wordless moment from all of the guys.

COACH:

That’s cool. I know what it’s like

to have people judge you on yourlooks. I’m a trainer.

CECE:

Oh, really, don’t you have to be...

NICK:

Not fat?

COACH:

Can a fat man do this?

Coach tries to pick up the couch that Cece where Cece sits.

He falls back down immediately, screaming:

COACH (CONT’D)

(high pitched)

Oh god, oh god.

29.

CECE:

I think you look great. I likethose pants.

Coach just stares at her, his mouth open a little.

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