New Girl Page #5

NICK:

So you hung out with Jess in highschool. Was that like God watchingthe Titanic?

CECE:

We just found each other. I waskind of freakishly tall and she wasjust... freakish.

Jess comes out in Cece’s high-fashion, super tight dress,

high heels, and a shiny beaded scarf.

JESS:

Check it out.

(beat-boxing)

Um-ch-um-ch-um-ch...

She takes one step, and immediately falls.

CECE:

Maybe no heels?

JESS:

(getting back up)

I can’t breathe... I haven’t eaten

bread in twelve hours.

NICK:

How many of those hours were youasleep?

JESS:

Do you like this scarf with it? Igot it on a bus. For free.

CECE:

I love it. He’s going to love you.

SCHMIDT:

No! No! That scarf is horrible.

Don’t take advice from a hot girl.

Cece telling you to wear that scarfis like Mozart saying, “You can

play the piano! It’s easy!” No. You

can’t. You can play, like, maybe a

plastic harmonica. Maybe.

30.

CECE:

What are you saying? Jess isn’t

hot?

SCHMIDT:

No. I’m...

Schmidt suddenly runs out of the room.

SCHMIDT (FROM OFF) (CONT’D)

It’s a trap!

JESS:

(texting)

I’ll just tell him I’m ready...

NICK:

Don’t text him- he didn’t text you.

(off her look)

Oh god, how many times today?

JESS:

No, no- Nick. I really need this.

NICK:

(then, genuine)

Don’t worry. You’re doing

everything right. You’re the one

who knows who you are. If he

doesn’t like that, he’s crazy. I

mean seriously, why would you

listen to us?

Coach tries to lift the couch again.

COACH:

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Jess looks at all of them, nervous but excited.

INT. RESTAURANT. LATER.

A HOT HOSTESS leads Jess to her table.

HOT HOSTESS:

I love that scarf.

JESS:

Thank you!

Jess suddenly looks at how hot the hostess is and getssuspicious. She takes off the scarf.

31.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE VICTORIA’S SECRET PARTY. SAME TIME.

Nick and Schmidt wear cool versions of Western gear waitingin line to go to the party. Mandy (with a band-aid on herface) and the girls from Schmidt’s work walk by, laughing andpointing at Coach, who wears his JORTS, NO SHIRT, AND AFEATHER IN HIS BASEBALL HAT.

GIRL:

Creepy Indian!

COACH:

Yeah!

The girls high-five him.

COACH (CONT’D)

Can I tell you guys something?

NICK/SCHMIDTNo/Please don’t.

COACH:

My balls feel amazing. It’s like

the end of “Pretty Woman”. It’slike my balls are living the fairytale.

SCHMIDT:

Take off the pants, Coach. You looklike you just walked out of anAsian YouTube Video.

COACH:

No. This is me, Schmidt. I’m fat. I

use calamine lotion for weird

stuff. I wear jeggings. And whenyou make fun of me, it makes mefeel bad.

SCHMIDT:

Oh god, are we all talking aboutour feelings now? Because I’m not.

Suddenly, Benjamin, the intern walks up with his friend Peter-

Jess’ Date.

BENJAMIN:

Hey, guys. What’s up?

(to Coach)

Are those spanx?

COACH:

Jorts.

32.

NICK:

Wait, where’s Jess?

PETER:

(shrugs)

Not happening. She texted me seventimes today.

SCHMIDT:

What?

PETER:

Yeah. Like long ones. I just wantto hook up.

NICK:

Wait, so she’s just waiting for youto show up? Did you call her?

PETER:

Uhhh.

Nick looks at Schmidt, pointedly.

SCHMIDT:

No. No. I’m not going. Coach and I

are staying-

COACH:

I’m going with Nick.

SCHMIDT:

Fine-

NICK:

Fine.

Nick ducks under the rope. Coach follows, and starts runningdown the street.

COACH:

Jess! We’re coming, Jess!

JUMP CUT:

Coach and Nick are still running down the street.

COACH (CONT’D)

(high-pitched)

Why are we running?

NICK:

I have no idea.

33.

A yellow cab pulls up. Schmidt’s in the back.

SCHMIDT:

Get in. I don’t want to talk about

it.

COACH:

Oh god, thank you. Thank you.

Nick nods at Schmidt as they all pile into the cab.

INT. RESTAURANT. LATER.

Jess’ table is now covered in bread- crumbs, half eaten

rolls. She’s in the pits. The hot hostess walks up.

JESS:

Do you have anything more that’s

free that also has bread in it?

HOSTESS:

I’m sorry, we’re going to have to

ask you to give up the table-

NICK (O.S.)

We’re here.

Reveal Nick, Schmidt, and Coach behind the hostess.

COACH:

We’re here for the date.

JESS:

What?

HOSTESS:

You’re all on a date?

NICK:

(announcing it)

Yes. We’re all her boyfriends.

We’re like Reverse Mormons. One man

just isn’t enough for her.

JESS:

I can’t believe you guys came-

NICK:

You can cry if you want. We’re goodwith it.

34.

JESS:

(crying)

I’m not crying... I’m not...

People in the restaurant look over. Coach steps forward.

COACH:

(singing softly)

Raindrops on roses and kittens...

on kittens. Brown paper, whitepaper, blue fish with strings.

Nick joins in.

NICK AND COACH:

These things are the things thatare my favorite things-

SCHMIDT:

No. Not doing it, sorry.

Coach hits him on the shoulder hard.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)

When the bears come-

NICK:

And the aliens land-

COACH:

And put an alien pod inside youthat makes you an alien feedingdevice-

COACH, NICK, AND SCHMIDT

(a big jumbled mess)

Something, something, something, Myfavorite things/These are myfavorite things/Feels so sad.

ON a table with an OLD COUPLE.

OLD WOMAN:

What’s happening over there?

OLD MAN:

They’re doing some kind of show.

OLD WOMAN:

(looking at Coach)

Look. It’s Peter Pan.

BACK TO JESS’ TABLE:

35.

HOSTESS:

You have to leave. Now. All of you.

They start to head out.

JESS (V.O.)

When you get your heart broken, youcan call up a girl and spend anhour talking about how men suck.

That’s fine. But sometimes what youneed is just a guy to look at you,

shrug, and say…

SCHMIDT:

I’d still do you.

COACH:

Yup.

NICK:

Yeah.

JESS:

Aww, you guys.

(then)

That’s never going to happen.

INT. THE LOFT. LATER THAT NIGHT.

The guys are sitting on the couch wearing jeggings. Jess sitson the floor with a bottle of pink wine. They are allwatching “Pretty Woman,” reciting lines.

COACH:

How much for the entire night?

SCHMIDT:

You couldn’t afford me.

COACH:

Try me.

SCHMIDT:

300.

COACH:

Done.

NICK:

I just have to say. My balls feelincredibly supported right now.

END OF SHOW:

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