New In Town Page #5

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Kids don’t like that. Kids always wanna do stuff. Kids get angry, they go, [mockingly high and whiney voice] “Aw, we didn’t do anything ALL DAY.” You ever ask an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn’t do anything, their faces light up. Be like, “What’d you do this weekend?” [puts hand on hip and looks down and speaks softly] “I, um, I did nothing. [looks up with bright expression] I did nothing at all. [looks down] Did we do anything? [looks back up with epiphanic joy] No, I didn’t do anything.” [light audience laughter]

People especially don’t wanna do their jobs. I’ve found that out recently too. I have a friend named Megan, she’s an elementary school teacher and I was out with her one night and she was drinking like a monster. And I said to her, [holds out arm and looks to the side with a confused expression and an accusatory tone] “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?” And she went, [closes his eyes and slurs his words] “Ahh, I’ll just show a video.” And I was like, [shocked but excited expression] “That’s why teachers show videos?” [audience laughs] She said this, she goes, [closes eyes and slurs] “Yeah, I don’t wanna work!” And I was like, “You know the kids don’t wanna work either” and she was like [closes eyes and slurs] “Good!” [pantomimes taking a shot]

I, uh, really do — I was psyched to do it in New York. Uhh, I’m really happy to live here and was glad that we could do it in New York City. And, uh, I’m not sure how you all got here tonight, um, but I did wanna say this, I’ve never been, uh, killed by hit men so I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. [audience laughs] Just that brief moment where you’re reading and you’re like [looks up from imaginary book with a pleasant expression and tone] “Oh, a guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, another guitar player. [looks down and then back up] Oh, an accordion player — [expression changes to a cartoon-like dread and surprise and he speaks in dramaticised slow motion] OOOHH NNNOOOOO” [audience applauds] [John begins imitating mariachi music] [sings with a slightly slurred and lower voice] ♬ This is the loudest thing in the world! [audience laughs]

[low and almost mumbling] Uh, I was really excited a lot of people, uh, showed up. They told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come. So thank you for coming. I wanted to, like, take ads out in the paper. Like, be — you know, do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something. [light audience laughter]

Uhh, the New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I think it’s great, I read it every day. I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. [audience laughter and applause] It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, [pantomimes grabbing someone by the shoulders and shaking them violently, yells shrilly] “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” and they’re like, [throws arms out with a shocked expression and speaks in a low voice with a New York accent] “There’s a perv in Queens!” You’d be like, [pantomimes tipping a hat] “All right, thank you.” [audience laughs]

Or rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. [moves thumb to pantomime texting] [audience laughs and John chuckles] Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. I really do love the Post, I read it a lot and there’s a hierarchy in the New York Post. Uh, different people that they like [gestures hand up at head level] and different people that they don’t like. [gestures hand down at waist level] Uh, and if you pay attention, [moves hand down from head to waist level in segments] you can start to identify some of the rankings that they have.

Um, the number one thing that you can be [holds hand up and head level] in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better… in the eyes of the Post.

After that, [moves hand slightly lower] under an angel is a hero. [lowers arm to his side] A hero is any man who does his job. [audience laughs] You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, [announcer voice] “Hero Tutor Teaches After School,” and you’re like [shrugs and uses a low voice] “Yeah.” [shrugs] [audience laughs]

[holds up hand at chest level] Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots, [moves hand slightly higher] tots are angels who haven’t died yet. [audience laughs] [points behind him] There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. [chuckles] You’re either a tot [points next to him at shoulder level] or you’re dead and you’re an angel. [points next to him at head level]

[turns on his heels toward audience and holds up a finger] I did leave one out, sorry. [turns back towards his imaginary chart and gestures from chest level to slightly higher] Above perv is a bozo. [audience laughs] A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. [bobbles head and speaks out the corner of his mouth with an old-timey accent] That guy’s a bozo! [audience laughs]

I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says [mocking announcer voice] “Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says [turns sharply and speaks with emphasis] ‘Beat it, bozo!’” [audience laughs] No, she did not. [audience laughter] She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said “bozo” in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage and they were like [squats down and speaks with excitement] “Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?” [turns and squats lower, pantomiming smoking a cigarette while squinting and speaking in a low gravelly voice] “Eh, she told him to ‘beat it, bozo.’” [audience laughs and John straightens himself up]

I’m feeling good tonight though, I got a massage recently. Went to a spa to get a massage, [chuckles] I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. Those were her words, she said, [bends over slightly and speaks in a gentle feminine voice while doing a “calm down” motion with his hand] “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” [quickly straightens up and turns] So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe. [light audience laughter]

I’m trying to, in general, take better care of myself. I’m trying to stop smoking, I’ve smoked since I was 13 years old. I started when I was 13 years old ‘cause I stole 2 cigarettes [holds up two fingers] from my older sister and I hid them in a shoebox under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. [light audience laughter] And one day, my mom cleaned under my bed, and she [hushed voice] found the shoebox. I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it and she said, [pantomimes holding a box and stares forward with an accusatory look and speaks with a loud sharp voice] “Hey mister! I found your treasure!” [audience laughs]

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