New In Town Page #8

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Also if you quit drinking you’re about to lose the greatest excuse in your life, which is (As if talking to a girl):“I’m really sorry about last night. I was just too drunk…” That is a get out of jail free card that you don’t even realize you’ve had until you lose it. I can’t say that anymore. I can never be like: “Sorry about last night, I was just so drunk.” Now I have to be like(As if to a girl again): “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud, (pauses) it probably will happen again.” (Audience laughs)

Now I, myself — I quit drinking ‘cause I used to drink too much and then I would black out and I would “ruin parties”… or so I’m told. (Audience laughs) When you do that enough, you black out drinking and you do crazy things, you kind of become like Michael Jackson. Like any story anyone says about you might be true and (Acting mysterious) even you don’t know by the end. I saw an interview with Michael Jackson before he died and they were like(Like a reporter): “Is it true you bought the elephant man’s bones? And he was like(Pretending to be Michael Jackson): “I don’t know!” Ya know, cause how could he keep track of that? (Audience lightly laughs)

So I would hear stories about myself. Here’s a story I once heard about me. I guess I was 20 and I was at a party at someone’s house and I had blacked out drinking, and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle with some liquid in it, and they said, “Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?” And apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it(pretending to drink a bottle), “ and said (pretending to throw the bottle behind his head): “It’s perfume.” And it was.

Another story I heard about myself — this one happened in high school. Uh, We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Jake McNamara went to our high school. He was a sophomore when I was a senior. So he was two years behind me. And Mr. McNamara was an a**hole. And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do IF YOU’RE AN A**HOLE! (Audience laughs) And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher’s house. (Sarcastic) Hooray! And everyone around town heard about it and we all got up individually and thought(Speaking maniacally), “Okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.”

I walked into this party. Everyone I had even met was at this party, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. (Audience laughs) People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. (Audience laughs)It was totally unsupervised; we were like dogs without horses… we were running wild. I walked down (pauses) I walked down to the basement, they had a pool table in the basement. One dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara’s and went upstairs and took a sh*t ON HIS COMPUTER! (Audience laughs)So the party was going great (sarcastically).

I’m standing in the basement, and I’m holding a red cup you’ve seen in movies. And I’m standing there and I’m holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like “something something police.” and in a brilliant moment of word association, I YELLED “F*** DA POLICE! F*** DA POLICE!” (In a drunken accent, Audience laughs). And everyone else joined in, 100… drunk… white… children yelling “F*** da police” with the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. (Audience Laughs)You know, like the: “I served my nickel! You come and take me!” confidence, but white children. (Audience laughs)

The reason someone had said “something something police” was because the police were there. So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers YELLING: “F*** THE POLICE” In his face. He was almost impressed. He was like [whispering] “WOW.” And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and my friend john, who is now a father — this man now has a baby — (Imitating the action)he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled: “SCATTER!!”

And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in “Ratatouille” when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways. (Audience laughs as Mulaney acts frantic)We all ran in different directions, I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through a window into the backyard and now I’m running through the backyard and there was this big chain link fence and I thought I’ve never climbed a fence that high before. And then I woke up at home (pauses, audience laughs).

On Monday, I went to school, cause that’s what we did back then. (Audience laughs) And I’m walking into the school building and who do I see but Jake McNamara. And he says to me “hey, were you at my party on Saturday?” and I was like: “No” you know, like a liar (Maniacally, then pauses). And he said things really got out of hand: “Someone broke the pool table, someone took a sh*t on my dad’s computer, But the worst thing” he says — “the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaking out about it.” and I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have (pauses, audience laughs and claps while he says): “Did I do that?”

I figured no, I would never do that. I was never sure until two years later (audience in shock)… relax. I’m playing video games with this kid named Alex that we also went to high school with. Two years later, we’ve graduated by now. We’re playing video games for a couple hours, and then Alex says to me(in a hushed tone), “Hey, come here. I want to show you something.” And he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a side room off of his bedroom. Never a good thing to have. (Laughing)(Mulaney is in a hushed voice even worse than before)And he shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people’s parties over the years. (Audience laughs)And I said: “Why? Why do you do this?” and Alex said “Cause it’s the one thing you can’t replace.” (Long pause, Audience is laughing hard now) That’s the end of that story but how f***ed up is that? That’s crazy! (audience laughs more and claps)

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