New York, I Love You Page #3

[roars]

like, scary stuff's

gonna come out.

You know,

I felt it right away.

I felt it right away--

that I think--

I'm gonna say something

a little bold here.

But I think you might

be married to the wrong person.

I don't know that

even if that were true

that I'd tell you.

Right.

We're not exactly friends.

No, we're not.

No.

That's true.

But we did share a flame.

Right?

Speaking of.

Oh.

See? Look at that.

See? You need me.

You're walking away,

and you need me.

We share a flame. Thousands of tiny

molecules are heating up right now.

They're penetrating

our brain.

They're stimulating

our sexual desire.

I don't know about you, but I

find that sh*t very romantic.

And I'm so glad

you walked over here

because now I can feel

a little bit more comfortable

to tell you

that I happen to be,

uh, on the forefront

of men

able to find and locate

a woman's G-spot.

And I could

do that for you.

That's really generous

of you. Thank you.

It's my pleasure.

Well, it's your pleasure.

And what makes you think

I haven't located it yet?

Um, the way you hold

the cigarette.

It's a little high

and tight, you know?

What you have to do

is you have to lower it.

You have to bring it all the way down

in there so it just sits comfortably.

It rests there. If it's

high and tight like that,

the whole body

gets restricted,

and the plexus

gets closed off,

you know, and the vagina

gets locked.

Look, I just happen to know this

crazy, weird technique with the vagina.

It's kind of cool, and I

thought you'd be interested.

But you have to

be prepared.

You know what I mean?

Preparation is the key.

I mean, it starts with a little

walk. Just a short walk, like...

You know, like, to, uh--

like my apartment.

It's a couple blocks from here.

And we would walk,

and I would tell you a few

little elegant, classy jokes.

You know, kind of getting us

a little giggly,

a little silly.

You know? And then we'd share

a glass of Burgundy. Burgundy?

Yeah.

We'd bask

in the warm, gentle,

romantic yet erotic

glow

of, uh, my spacious loft.

And then

I would undress you,

and you would undress me.

We'd stand naked before

each other, and we'd kiss.

I find-- I find kissing

a very helpful,

sweet way to-- to relax.

And then, maybe I would--

I would--

I would bite your neck

a little bit.

Not-- Not hard. Just gentle--

gentle little nibbles,

like-- like a little kitty cat,

you know?

And then--

And then you would feel

my hands kind of descend

to your lower region,

kind of, uh,

finding their way,

massaging the skin

around your clitoris,

which would even stimulate

the arousal even more.

All the time,

I'm whispering

delicate little poems

in your ear, you know?

And the blood

from your body

is-- is rushing

to the wet internal walls,

and my fingers

would slide effortlessly--

[laughing]

Are you an actor or something?

Or a comedian?

You're a comedian.

No. I, uh--

I'm kind of a writer.

Oh, you're kind of a writer.

Yeah, kind of.

You know, what about you?

What do you do?

I'm a hooker.

[stammering, laughing]

What exactly does that mean?

That exactly means that people

pay to have sex with me.

Mm-hmm.

So, if I wanted

to, um...

Here's my card.

It's got my number

and my Web site on it.

So wow.

You're, uh...

That's why you're--

Fridays is no good.

Saturdays and Sunday

are busy.

Weekends are...

Avoid weekends.

You know, I look forward

to hearing from you

and sharing another...

intimate moment.

Well, f*** me.

[barks]

[Young man, narrating]

In New York City,

there are currently

and over 1,600

registered pharmacists.

On the day of my senior prom,

one of them

would change my life.

Sh*t bums. They lose

They couldn't hit a ball with an

oar. Listen, this is on the house.

I heard about what happened with

you and that girl you were dating.

Oh.

I'm really sorry.

And on prom night.

Like there's gonna

be other proms.

Well, there's not

gonna be another prom.

Not now, not ever.

She's a whore, all right?

Crushing a young man's dreams.

She's a snake f***ing

devil whore is what she is.

She's got no right. It's-- It's really--

It's all right.

I mean, we only went out a couple

months, and I'm okay with it.

Here's the thing.

I'm gonna help you.

Come here for a second.

I got something

to show you.

That's my daughter. She will go

to the prom with you tonight.

It's the right thing

to do.

And that's not

chopped liver, right?

Nuh-uh.

I was 17, and I'd only

been to second base,

but I felt like tonight

could be my lucky night.

Hey, kid.

Hey, Mr. Riccoli.

Hey.

Call me Frank.

Oh. Yeah.

You look good.

Thanks.

Oh. Hey.

[choir vocalizing]

[slowing down]

[stops]

Listen, try to get her home

by 12:
00, 12:30.

She's gotta

take her pills.

[big band]

Why are you stopping?

That's my girlfriend.

[chuckling]

Hey.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I came with Gil.

He's a film major

at NYU.

Oh, that-- that's cool.

We're-- We're cool.

Whatever.

It's no biggie, you know?

How's your, uh,

swimmer's ear?

Good. Better.

[chuckles]

Who's your date?

Make-A-Wish.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, it was her dream

to go to prom,

and I said, "Of course I will

make your dream come true."

I want to dance.

Uh, we should--

we should talk first.

I want to dance.

[Man in singsong voice]

Everybody clap your hands.

[all whooping]

Check it out, y'all.

[laughs]

How low can you go?

Can you go down low?

All the way to the floor?

How low can you go?

Can you bring it

to the top?

Like you will never,

never stop?

Wait! That's my limo!

You have got your own wheels.

[laughing]

[laughter]

[sighs]

Want to walk me home

through the park?

Through the park?

Thanks.

I had a really

good time tonight.

Me, too.

I should probably

take you home.

Make a wish.

[chuckles]

I really can't think

of anything right now.

Come on.

Take my panties off.

Come on.

Yeah, that's them.

Okay, now take

your pants off.

Hurry.

Come on.

Come here.

Grab my legs.

That's it.

[moans]

[creaking]

Mmm, it's morning.

[giggling]

Oh, f***!

Motherfuckers.

[Boy] I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

They lose it in the 9th--

these rat bastards.

They lost it 8 to 7.

Them Yankees need some

pitching. Hi, Daddy.

Hi, baby.

Listen, I, uh-- I really want

to thank you very much.

There are not too many young

men like you left in this city.

Well, it's my pleasure.

Yeah, New York actresses--

they drive you nuts.

Actresses?

Last year,

she played Helen Keller.

She walked around the city

for two weeks, blindfolded.

You know, to get

the feeling of the part.

Broke her nose twice. Now she's

doing this thing downtown--

what the f***--

Whose Life is it Anyway?

Anyway-- Anyway, she's doing 20 hours

a day in a chair now.

Central Park covers

almost 843 acres.

It is 6% of Manhattan.

There are also 127,000

Method actresses in New York,

which is 2%

of the population.

And on the night

of my senior prom,

these two elements

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